*Brooke*
When Abby was a baby she cried all the time, I spent nights pacing up and down trying to figure out what was wrong with her. سے طرف کی that point in my life worry had become like a سیکنڈ nature to me and yet I still wasn’t use to it. Sawyer had been such a loud and happy baby, she only ever cried when something was wrong, and Keith had been such an easy baby, I barely remember him crying, and when he was a newborn I use to constantly check to see he was still breathing because he’d be so silent. Abby was a learning curve, I tried everything and nothing seemed to work. After five very long weeks I found the answer سے طرف کی mistake.
One night I’d been so exhausted the first chance I got for a شاور was after all the kids were in bed, I’d then fallen naked onto the بستر and gone straight to sleep only to wake up an گھنٹہ later to Abby’s cries, without thought I rushed to my daughter and picked her up. Hugging her to my chest and cooing to her, begging for her to tell me what was wrong, I was so focused on Abby the fact I was still naked completely escaped my mind.
Against my bare skin with nothing between us Abby’s little mouth stretched open, her dark baby blue eyes opened wide to look directly at me, and just like that she stopped crying. Relief had flooded through me, keeping my baby close to my دل I walked back to my own room and slipped on my fluffiest bathrobe کی, بیتھروبی and covered us both.
I knew after that night that whenever I couldn’t tell what was wrong all I had to do was bring Abby as close as possible and lay her اگلے to my heart.
…
The crash catches me سے طرف کی surprise. My ears are always alert for a noise that is out of the ordinary, so when it happens I’m turning towards it even as I jump from shock. Running upstairs a million worse case scenarios go through my mind, and when I finally stop at Keith’s doorway I take in the scene quickly, “what the heck is going on in here?”
They stand, a room between them, both panting, eyes locked on each other, my own gaze goes between them, I feel like I am not even here because they both continue to stand staring at each other, my presence ignored. I slam the bedroom door with the palm of my hand, “WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?” I yell into the silence.
Keith’s eyes snap to me, anger in them for a brief moment before his expression ashes away and a mask is slipped on, “nothing” he whispers. Not believing that for a سیکنڈ I turn my attention to Abby who has turned so her back is even مزید to me, I kink my eyebrow “Abra, do آپ have anything to say?”
“What Keith said” she hisses out, her tone dark, but I notice she looks immediately in the direction of the broken glass that is not scattered on the floor near Keith, if I’m not wrong its from the تصویر frame which now lays upside down on the floor.
Before I can so much as take another step, Abby crosses her arms and spins around, with her head down she begins to walk سے طرف کی me in her attempt to leave the room, I grab her arm on her way سے طرف کی “missy, don’t even think آپ are leaving this room until I get an explanation”
With a surprisingly strength Abby shakes her arm out of my grip, her hazel eyes shoot up at me, “let me go”
“No-”
“Mom-” Keith cuts in, and just like that Abby turns on him, her eyes wild “SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!-” she screams, practically tearing pass me, I grab her سے طرف کی the arms and stop her from going back into the room, Abby struggle against me but I don’t let go, even as she screams louder at Keith “-I HATE YOU, JUST DIE ALREADY!” and tears start falling down her cheeks, her body struggling even مزید to be free but I pull her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her so her back is pressed against me.
Keith takes a step forward, “I AM DYING, آپ IDIOT, DON’T آپ GET THAT?” he screams right back, louder than I think I’ve ever heard him. I’m not sure if I’m the one who gasps یا if it’s Abby but her tears are suddenly louder, faster, falling onto my arms as they drip from her face.
“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you” she repeats over and over again, no longer fighting against me, I pull her مزید into my chest, my hold becoming comforting instead of restraining but the moment I fully relax Abby pushes herself out of my arms and runs to her own room, my feet immediately follow, just in time for her door to be slammed in my face as I follow her, turning around I get a repeat performance as I watch Keith’s door slamming just as loudly.
“What the hell?” I whisper, unsure still what I just walked into the middle of.
A quick check shows both rooms are securely locked, and when my knocks are rewarded with silence I give up and sigh, after all they have to come out sometime, like most of my life I will just have to play the waiting game.
…
Walking back into the باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ with my head down my mind is on the bottle of white wine that is unopened below the sink, which is pathetic, the دن has only just begun and already I am itching for a drink to help chase away the emotions I don’t really want to face.
“So I was thinking we could start on Main Street, work our way up to Kew”
The voice snaps me to attention, causing a smile to form on my lips before I even look up and see Haley unpacking groceries, something I’ve repeatedly told her she doesn’t have to do yet every time she comes over she always seems to sneak in some sort of housework. A few times I’ve even walked in on her doing the dishes. I would tell her off but most of the time I am just too grateful, it’s as if she can sense when and how I need her.
She looks over her shoulder with a warm smile on her face “and don’t say آپ are too busy, we haven’t had a decent girl’s دن out in forever and I know آپ are dying for a distraction”
I nod, she’s got me there. Pulling out the wine bottle and two glasses I salute Haley, “bring on the distraction”
And then Haley turned that mom look at me, and she matched it with the classic hand on hip. I always admired Haley, saw her as supermom. For so long my only hope was I would one دن be even half as good a mother as her, and with that thought I wonder how many times she has had a door slammed in her face.
For some reason I doubt it’s in the double figures like me, but then again Sawyer had that door slamming thing perfected once she hit her teens. Daughters.
I shake my head and go to open the bottle, only to have it snatched from my hands. Haley looks down at me “honey, it’s barely eight” and then taking the bottle she manages to discard it and switch the kettle on at the same time, “so when will Lucas be home?” she changes the subject, her back still to me as she starts making our coffees.
For a moment I don’t say anything, looking down at my hands I just wish my husband was here at home, “tomorrow. I already miss him”
“You say that every time” she chuckles and continues what she’s doing, I watch her moving around my باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ as if its her سیکنڈ home, then again I guess it’s the same familiarity I have with hers. We’ve been through a lot together, from high school when we lived together to all the ups and downs of our adulthood, and between one husband who use to play professional باسکٹ, باسکٹ بال and spend half his time out of state and another who goes on book tours almost every سال sometimes all we had was each other to lean on.
I shake my head and let the memories of the past shrink back inside my mind, “I don’t know how آپ did it with Nate away so much, I hate even a few nights without Lucas سے طرف کی my side”
She looks up, a smile on her face “I had you-” and then a roll of the eyes “-and the boys” and just as our eyes meet in a mutual moment of reflection, smiles on our faces, a door above us slams shut. I cringe.
Just when I’m starting to feel normal there is a reminder, loud and clear, saying it will never be that easy. I can feel Haley staring me down as I avert my eyes, “I should probably stay ہوم with Keith today”
When my تبصرہ is met with silence I look back up and this time Haley has a mug in one hand and a phone in the other, both being held out to me, she lifts one dark brow daring me to argue with her, “call Karen” is all she says, and I just look at her, “one day, Brooke, just one day, آپ need this”
I stare at her for a moment, thinking it over. There are a million things I should do today, Keith aside I still have a half finished line for the new season, but one دن to just have a break does sound wonderful. A chance to breathe again, a chance to think about something other than this court case, so when Haley’s brow lifts even higher I give in and take the phone, after all I can always come back ہوم and worry later.
Karen doesn’t need any convincing, she agrees straight away and even asks us over for رات کے کھانے, شام کا کھانا this weekend, I have to pause a moment before agreeing and then I tell her I love her and hang up.
Haley gives a little clap and I roll my eyes, “Karen’s on her way” I tell her and then take the mug she’d offered me earlier. Haley just smiled her knowing smiles and joins me.
…
The drive is silent other than the موسیقی coming from the radio, and Abby sits with her arms crossed in the back, as close to the side of the car as she could possibly get with her eyes trained to the outside. I tried talking to her but my daughter just kept on her staring.
I can tell Haley feels awkward not knowing what to do, she sends me a sympathetic smile and I just close my lips together and do my best to smile back, to pretend that it is all going to be okay.
When we get to the school Abby opens her door and immediately jumps out, “have a good day” I shout out the window and get no response, rolling my eyes I turn my attention back to the front view and drive off, “where to first?”
Haley just looks at me and I risk taking my eye of the road to catch her glimpse, I kink my brow, not sure if I can handle repeating the question, Haley gives a little nod “anywhere آپ want”
Anywhere?
“Can I go back a few years, heck I’ll take a few weeks?”
I don’t know where I would begin; I’m still not sure where exactly it all went wrong.
…
After I learnt the secret to stop Abby crying she became one of the most charming, easiest babies to take care of, she had her moments, like all children but the teary baby grew up into a peaceful and bubbly toddler, and that toddler grew into a sweet and inquisitive child.
Sawyer had always liked the attention being on her, if we weren’t giving her the amount she wanted she would then demand it, there were temper tantrums, performances, the over clinginess to get our attention, every way she could Sawyer would try and get the focus on her.
In the brief time I lived with Sawyer and Lucas before Lucas and I got back together Sawyer grew overly attached to me, every time I left the room she would protest, and it even came to the point I couldn’t close a door on her. Every time I went to the bathroom she would bang her fist on the door crying for me, Karen told us it was normal and Sawyer would grow out of it, and she was forced to سے طرف کی my moving out again. After I moved back in she wouldn’t cry at the door, she would sit there talking, knocking and making sure I was still there.
Trying to get alone time with Lucas had been near impossible, we never knew when Sawyer was going to pop into view wondering where we were and what we were doing, not that it was all bad, there was definitely the upside to that because it id force as to become, well, creative.
Keith never had to do anything to fight for our attention, and I don’t view this as a good thing, I wish he had needed too, god I wish Keith had wanted it instead of trying to gain a space we couldn’t afford to give him.
One child never had the attention she wanted, another got مزید than he desired, and then there was Abby who never asked for more.
For that sometimes she became all too noticeable, at other times it made her easy to let be, easy to assume she was happy and content. What’s that old saying about assuming too much? Well whatever it is I’m pretty sure it’s come back to bite me in my arse.
…
I waved goodbye to Karen and Haley and for the first time in a while I managed to smile a genuine, happy smile. Like always Haley was right and she knew what I had needed, so with a new bounce in my step I enter my home, “what do آپ want for dinner?” I yell out, my hand on the stairwell.
For a moment I wait, then my brow creases, hurrying up the stairs, I open go سے طرف کی Keith’s room and see him asleep in bed, then I continue towards Abby’s, opening the door I’m about to ask the سوال again but my mouth slackens as I stare at the empty room.
Closing the door behind me I give the house a quick look over, I hadn’t asked Karen if Abby was ہوم yet, why hadn’t I done that, I had just assumed she’d be back from school سے طرف کی now, maybe because at this time she should be.
Gritting my teeth I return back to Keith’s room and gently shake him awake, “sweetie, wake up, has your sister been home?”
“Sawy?” he mumbles rubbing his dark eyes and I shake my head, he just shakes his and rolls back over. Swearing I run downstairs and grab my phone, there are no messages یا missed calls, which causes a natural worry to rise inside me. Fingers working fast I dial Abby’s number and with the phone to my ear I wait.
As I stand there tapping my fingers against the میز, جدول Keith walks into the room, I frown at him and continue to wait, but there is no answer.
I call again, and then again, and then again.
“Abby didn’t say she was going anywhere after school, did she?” I ask and Keith shrugs, “please, don’t shrug me off”
“She didn’t say anything” he جوابات verbally this time, his eyes quickly darting away.
I don’t like this, I don’t like not knowing where my children are, not knowing how they are, that is exactly why they all have fully charged phones handy for easy contact, “Keith, if آپ know something…” I warn narrowing my eyes.
He spins around looking far too innocent, “I don’t, okay, we’re not exactly swapping secrets at the moment” and he shrugs again before going to walk right سے طرف کی me.
This time I follow straight away, all the way back up the stairs, “what is that about anyway?”
“Stuff” and he shrugs again.
Obviously. I roll my eyes as we reach his room, “stuff? Like the court case… she loves you, آپ know” I feel the sudden need to defend Abby. The moment the words leave my mouth Keith spins in his doorway, his hand reaching out to grab the دیوار and his eyes lock with mine. He has such determination in his eyes, such confidence that speaks of little doubt, it reminds me of his father, and then he says just as clearly “trust me, I know”
In the سیکنڈ it takes for me to process it all Keith manages to relax his whole manner, with another slight shrug of the shoulders he adds on lightly “its just brother sister stuff, normal brother sister stuff”
“Okay” I say, still not sure if I believe him.
Then he steps back and slowly shuts his door, I stand there staring at it, the white too clean and the lines too straight, and one crack runs down the door. My eyes seem glued to the imperfection, and then I walk away and go down the stairs again.
I can call her friends, her cousin, Haley and Nathan, and my other friends, and sooner than I know it Abby will be home. That’s what I keep telling myself as I go downstairs but I’m not even half way down when I hear it and all other thoughts leave me.
My hurried steps echo through the house, and I skid in front of his door not pausing before turning the knob and opening it wide.
Blood pours from Keith’s mouth, runs from his nose and as I watch he lurches آگے again, his mouth opening wide as with his hands to his stomach مزید blood comes out. The floor is suddenly covered, and even as I’m rushing آگے to my son his eyes lift to mine, this time full of pain, pain and sadness, and fear. And somewhere in that mixture of emotions I see just the hint of disgust in his eyes, he lowers his gaze to the bloody floor as his body doubles over just as I reach him and لپیٹ, لفاف کریں an arm around his waist.
I always knew I could help Abby even if I never knew what was wrong; all I had to do was hold her close. It worked when she scarped her knee, when she was bullied at school, when she had a nightmare, یا when she just needed to cry. I always knew how to make Abby feel better, it was the one thing I could always do right, she didn’t push me away like Sawyer and she didn’t live in her own world like Keith, and there was a control in that. Holding my son to my دل I wish I could help him as easily, but he was always harder to help, so I kept trying and trying, and trying, but there is always something else, always another thing a hug can’t fix with him.
No, Keith never had to ask for attention, it was just out of our control.
…
Letting go is hard, but sometimes آپ have to let go, pulling Keith into the car I eye the front نشست and then look at Keith’s pale face again, he grabs my hand “don’t leave me” he whispers, and I close my eyes, pain filling my heart.
Making a quick decision I let go of his hand “I’ll be back, don’t go anywhere” and for a moment a flicker of a smile graces his lips. Running to the گیراج I rush up the stairs to Sawyer’s apartment and start banging, this isn’t exactly the time for polite knocking.
Loud موسیقی still playing Sawyer opens the door, “what?”
“It’s Keith” I say and just like that Sawyer unlocks the door and steps out, grabbing her hand I drag her down the stairs and over to my car, and I hear her gasp as she sees Keith laying in the back نشست with traces of blood on his شرٹ, قمیض and face, “holy shit”
“I need آپ to drive” I instruct, throwing the keys at Sawyer I prepare to climb into the back, but her stare stops me, I turn my head back and meet her blue gaze. She looks at the keys, then at her brother and then at me, her mouth opens, and for the first time I really look at her. Sanger boils inside me, “are آپ high?” I hiss.
Her eyes meet mine and I know I’m right, shaking my head I ignore her struggled protest and grab the keys back, “get in the back and hold your brother, we’ll talk about this later” and with her head down she does what I say.
Do آپ ever just want to bang their heads against a دیوار and scream why? Well I don’t have the time for that but so help me god if I did…
The car comes to life and I let out a sigh of relief, and for a moment I close my eyes, when I open them I see our perfect looking house standing tall, the red roses around the porch looking so bright.
The car still runs, but the سیکنڈ before I reverse seems to last for hours, as I see those too red roses, the ones that suddenly remind me of all my son’s blood. Blood that still covers my hands, and suddenly I can’t stand the sight, I promise my self in that brief moment that the first chance I get I’m going to rip all those roses out.
When Abby was a baby she cried all the time, I spent nights pacing up and down trying to figure out what was wrong with her. سے طرف کی that point in my life worry had become like a سیکنڈ nature to me and yet I still wasn’t use to it. Sawyer had been such a loud and happy baby, she only ever cried when something was wrong, and Keith had been such an easy baby, I barely remember him crying, and when he was a newborn I use to constantly check to see he was still breathing because he’d be so silent. Abby was a learning curve, I tried everything and nothing seemed to work. After five very long weeks I found the answer سے طرف کی mistake.
One night I’d been so exhausted the first chance I got for a شاور was after all the kids were in bed, I’d then fallen naked onto the بستر and gone straight to sleep only to wake up an گھنٹہ later to Abby’s cries, without thought I rushed to my daughter and picked her up. Hugging her to my chest and cooing to her, begging for her to tell me what was wrong, I was so focused on Abby the fact I was still naked completely escaped my mind.
Against my bare skin with nothing between us Abby’s little mouth stretched open, her dark baby blue eyes opened wide to look directly at me, and just like that she stopped crying. Relief had flooded through me, keeping my baby close to my دل I walked back to my own room and slipped on my fluffiest bathrobe کی, بیتھروبی and covered us both.
I knew after that night that whenever I couldn’t tell what was wrong all I had to do was bring Abby as close as possible and lay her اگلے to my heart.
…
The crash catches me سے طرف کی surprise. My ears are always alert for a noise that is out of the ordinary, so when it happens I’m turning towards it even as I jump from shock. Running upstairs a million worse case scenarios go through my mind, and when I finally stop at Keith’s doorway I take in the scene quickly, “what the heck is going on in here?”
They stand, a room between them, both panting, eyes locked on each other, my own gaze goes between them, I feel like I am not even here because they both continue to stand staring at each other, my presence ignored. I slam the bedroom door with the palm of my hand, “WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?” I yell into the silence.
Keith’s eyes snap to me, anger in them for a brief moment before his expression ashes away and a mask is slipped on, “nothing” he whispers. Not believing that for a سیکنڈ I turn my attention to Abby who has turned so her back is even مزید to me, I kink my eyebrow “Abra, do آپ have anything to say?”
“What Keith said” she hisses out, her tone dark, but I notice she looks immediately in the direction of the broken glass that is not scattered on the floor near Keith, if I’m not wrong its from the تصویر frame which now lays upside down on the floor.
Before I can so much as take another step, Abby crosses her arms and spins around, with her head down she begins to walk سے طرف کی me in her attempt to leave the room, I grab her arm on her way سے طرف کی “missy, don’t even think آپ are leaving this room until I get an explanation”
With a surprisingly strength Abby shakes her arm out of my grip, her hazel eyes shoot up at me, “let me go”
“No-”
“Mom-” Keith cuts in, and just like that Abby turns on him, her eyes wild “SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!-” she screams, practically tearing pass me, I grab her سے طرف کی the arms and stop her from going back into the room, Abby struggle against me but I don’t let go, even as she screams louder at Keith “-I HATE YOU, JUST DIE ALREADY!” and tears start falling down her cheeks, her body struggling even مزید to be free but I pull her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her so her back is pressed against me.
Keith takes a step forward, “I AM DYING, آپ IDIOT, DON’T آپ GET THAT?” he screams right back, louder than I think I’ve ever heard him. I’m not sure if I’m the one who gasps یا if it’s Abby but her tears are suddenly louder, faster, falling onto my arms as they drip from her face.
“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you” she repeats over and over again, no longer fighting against me, I pull her مزید into my chest, my hold becoming comforting instead of restraining but the moment I fully relax Abby pushes herself out of my arms and runs to her own room, my feet immediately follow, just in time for her door to be slammed in my face as I follow her, turning around I get a repeat performance as I watch Keith’s door slamming just as loudly.
“What the hell?” I whisper, unsure still what I just walked into the middle of.
A quick check shows both rooms are securely locked, and when my knocks are rewarded with silence I give up and sigh, after all they have to come out sometime, like most of my life I will just have to play the waiting game.
…
Walking back into the باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ with my head down my mind is on the bottle of white wine that is unopened below the sink, which is pathetic, the دن has only just begun and already I am itching for a drink to help chase away the emotions I don’t really want to face.
“So I was thinking we could start on Main Street, work our way up to Kew”
The voice snaps me to attention, causing a smile to form on my lips before I even look up and see Haley unpacking groceries, something I’ve repeatedly told her she doesn’t have to do yet every time she comes over she always seems to sneak in some sort of housework. A few times I’ve even walked in on her doing the dishes. I would tell her off but most of the time I am just too grateful, it’s as if she can sense when and how I need her.
She looks over her shoulder with a warm smile on her face “and don’t say آپ are too busy, we haven’t had a decent girl’s دن out in forever and I know آپ are dying for a distraction”
I nod, she’s got me there. Pulling out the wine bottle and two glasses I salute Haley, “bring on the distraction”
And then Haley turned that mom look at me, and she matched it with the classic hand on hip. I always admired Haley, saw her as supermom. For so long my only hope was I would one دن be even half as good a mother as her, and with that thought I wonder how many times she has had a door slammed in her face.
For some reason I doubt it’s in the double figures like me, but then again Sawyer had that door slamming thing perfected once she hit her teens. Daughters.
I shake my head and go to open the bottle, only to have it snatched from my hands. Haley looks down at me “honey, it’s barely eight” and then taking the bottle she manages to discard it and switch the kettle on at the same time, “so when will Lucas be home?” she changes the subject, her back still to me as she starts making our coffees.
For a moment I don’t say anything, looking down at my hands I just wish my husband was here at home, “tomorrow. I already miss him”
“You say that every time” she chuckles and continues what she’s doing, I watch her moving around my باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ as if its her سیکنڈ home, then again I guess it’s the same familiarity I have with hers. We’ve been through a lot together, from high school when we lived together to all the ups and downs of our adulthood, and between one husband who use to play professional باسکٹ, باسکٹ بال and spend half his time out of state and another who goes on book tours almost every سال sometimes all we had was each other to lean on.
I shake my head and let the memories of the past shrink back inside my mind, “I don’t know how آپ did it with Nate away so much, I hate even a few nights without Lucas سے طرف کی my side”
She looks up, a smile on her face “I had you-” and then a roll of the eyes “-and the boys” and just as our eyes meet in a mutual moment of reflection, smiles on our faces, a door above us slams shut. I cringe.
Just when I’m starting to feel normal there is a reminder, loud and clear, saying it will never be that easy. I can feel Haley staring me down as I avert my eyes, “I should probably stay ہوم with Keith today”
When my تبصرہ is met with silence I look back up and this time Haley has a mug in one hand and a phone in the other, both being held out to me, she lifts one dark brow daring me to argue with her, “call Karen” is all she says, and I just look at her, “one day, Brooke, just one day, آپ need this”
I stare at her for a moment, thinking it over. There are a million things I should do today, Keith aside I still have a half finished line for the new season, but one دن to just have a break does sound wonderful. A chance to breathe again, a chance to think about something other than this court case, so when Haley’s brow lifts even higher I give in and take the phone, after all I can always come back ہوم and worry later.
Karen doesn’t need any convincing, she agrees straight away and even asks us over for رات کے کھانے, شام کا کھانا this weekend, I have to pause a moment before agreeing and then I tell her I love her and hang up.
Haley gives a little clap and I roll my eyes, “Karen’s on her way” I tell her and then take the mug she’d offered me earlier. Haley just smiled her knowing smiles and joins me.
…
The drive is silent other than the موسیقی coming from the radio, and Abby sits with her arms crossed in the back, as close to the side of the car as she could possibly get with her eyes trained to the outside. I tried talking to her but my daughter just kept on her staring.
I can tell Haley feels awkward not knowing what to do, she sends me a sympathetic smile and I just close my lips together and do my best to smile back, to pretend that it is all going to be okay.
When we get to the school Abby opens her door and immediately jumps out, “have a good day” I shout out the window and get no response, rolling my eyes I turn my attention back to the front view and drive off, “where to first?”
Haley just looks at me and I risk taking my eye of the road to catch her glimpse, I kink my brow, not sure if I can handle repeating the question, Haley gives a little nod “anywhere آپ want”
Anywhere?
“Can I go back a few years, heck I’ll take a few weeks?”
I don’t know where I would begin; I’m still not sure where exactly it all went wrong.
…
After I learnt the secret to stop Abby crying she became one of the most charming, easiest babies to take care of, she had her moments, like all children but the teary baby grew up into a peaceful and bubbly toddler, and that toddler grew into a sweet and inquisitive child.
Sawyer had always liked the attention being on her, if we weren’t giving her the amount she wanted she would then demand it, there were temper tantrums, performances, the over clinginess to get our attention, every way she could Sawyer would try and get the focus on her.
In the brief time I lived with Sawyer and Lucas before Lucas and I got back together Sawyer grew overly attached to me, every time I left the room she would protest, and it even came to the point I couldn’t close a door on her. Every time I went to the bathroom she would bang her fist on the door crying for me, Karen told us it was normal and Sawyer would grow out of it, and she was forced to سے طرف کی my moving out again. After I moved back in she wouldn’t cry at the door, she would sit there talking, knocking and making sure I was still there.
Trying to get alone time with Lucas had been near impossible, we never knew when Sawyer was going to pop into view wondering where we were and what we were doing, not that it was all bad, there was definitely the upside to that because it id force as to become, well, creative.
Keith never had to do anything to fight for our attention, and I don’t view this as a good thing, I wish he had needed too, god I wish Keith had wanted it instead of trying to gain a space we couldn’t afford to give him.
One child never had the attention she wanted, another got مزید than he desired, and then there was Abby who never asked for more.
For that sometimes she became all too noticeable, at other times it made her easy to let be, easy to assume she was happy and content. What’s that old saying about assuming too much? Well whatever it is I’m pretty sure it’s come back to bite me in my arse.
…
I waved goodbye to Karen and Haley and for the first time in a while I managed to smile a genuine, happy smile. Like always Haley was right and she knew what I had needed, so with a new bounce in my step I enter my home, “what do آپ want for dinner?” I yell out, my hand on the stairwell.
For a moment I wait, then my brow creases, hurrying up the stairs, I open go سے طرف کی Keith’s room and see him asleep in bed, then I continue towards Abby’s, opening the door I’m about to ask the سوال again but my mouth slackens as I stare at the empty room.
Closing the door behind me I give the house a quick look over, I hadn’t asked Karen if Abby was ہوم yet, why hadn’t I done that, I had just assumed she’d be back from school سے طرف کی now, maybe because at this time she should be.
Gritting my teeth I return back to Keith’s room and gently shake him awake, “sweetie, wake up, has your sister been home?”
“Sawy?” he mumbles rubbing his dark eyes and I shake my head, he just shakes his and rolls back over. Swearing I run downstairs and grab my phone, there are no messages یا missed calls, which causes a natural worry to rise inside me. Fingers working fast I dial Abby’s number and with the phone to my ear I wait.
As I stand there tapping my fingers against the میز, جدول Keith walks into the room, I frown at him and continue to wait, but there is no answer.
I call again, and then again, and then again.
“Abby didn’t say she was going anywhere after school, did she?” I ask and Keith shrugs, “please, don’t shrug me off”
“She didn’t say anything” he جوابات verbally this time, his eyes quickly darting away.
I don’t like this, I don’t like not knowing where my children are, not knowing how they are, that is exactly why they all have fully charged phones handy for easy contact, “Keith, if آپ know something…” I warn narrowing my eyes.
He spins around looking far too innocent, “I don’t, okay, we’re not exactly swapping secrets at the moment” and he shrugs again before going to walk right سے طرف کی me.
This time I follow straight away, all the way back up the stairs, “what is that about anyway?”
“Stuff” and he shrugs again.
Obviously. I roll my eyes as we reach his room, “stuff? Like the court case… she loves you, آپ know” I feel the sudden need to defend Abby. The moment the words leave my mouth Keith spins in his doorway, his hand reaching out to grab the دیوار and his eyes lock with mine. He has such determination in his eyes, such confidence that speaks of little doubt, it reminds me of his father, and then he says just as clearly “trust me, I know”
In the سیکنڈ it takes for me to process it all Keith manages to relax his whole manner, with another slight shrug of the shoulders he adds on lightly “its just brother sister stuff, normal brother sister stuff”
“Okay” I say, still not sure if I believe him.
Then he steps back and slowly shuts his door, I stand there staring at it, the white too clean and the lines too straight, and one crack runs down the door. My eyes seem glued to the imperfection, and then I walk away and go down the stairs again.
I can call her friends, her cousin, Haley and Nathan, and my other friends, and sooner than I know it Abby will be home. That’s what I keep telling myself as I go downstairs but I’m not even half way down when I hear it and all other thoughts leave me.
My hurried steps echo through the house, and I skid in front of his door not pausing before turning the knob and opening it wide.
Blood pours from Keith’s mouth, runs from his nose and as I watch he lurches آگے again, his mouth opening wide as with his hands to his stomach مزید blood comes out. The floor is suddenly covered, and even as I’m rushing آگے to my son his eyes lift to mine, this time full of pain, pain and sadness, and fear. And somewhere in that mixture of emotions I see just the hint of disgust in his eyes, he lowers his gaze to the bloody floor as his body doubles over just as I reach him and لپیٹ, لفاف کریں an arm around his waist.
I always knew I could help Abby even if I never knew what was wrong; all I had to do was hold her close. It worked when she scarped her knee, when she was bullied at school, when she had a nightmare, یا when she just needed to cry. I always knew how to make Abby feel better, it was the one thing I could always do right, she didn’t push me away like Sawyer and she didn’t live in her own world like Keith, and there was a control in that. Holding my son to my دل I wish I could help him as easily, but he was always harder to help, so I kept trying and trying, and trying, but there is always something else, always another thing a hug can’t fix with him.
No, Keith never had to ask for attention, it was just out of our control.
…
Letting go is hard, but sometimes آپ have to let go, pulling Keith into the car I eye the front نشست and then look at Keith’s pale face again, he grabs my hand “don’t leave me” he whispers, and I close my eyes, pain filling my heart.
Making a quick decision I let go of his hand “I’ll be back, don’t go anywhere” and for a moment a flicker of a smile graces his lips. Running to the گیراج I rush up the stairs to Sawyer’s apartment and start banging, this isn’t exactly the time for polite knocking.
Loud موسیقی still playing Sawyer opens the door, “what?”
“It’s Keith” I say and just like that Sawyer unlocks the door and steps out, grabbing her hand I drag her down the stairs and over to my car, and I hear her gasp as she sees Keith laying in the back نشست with traces of blood on his شرٹ, قمیض and face, “holy shit”
“I need آپ to drive” I instruct, throwing the keys at Sawyer I prepare to climb into the back, but her stare stops me, I turn my head back and meet her blue gaze. She looks at the keys, then at her brother and then at me, her mouth opens, and for the first time I really look at her. Sanger boils inside me, “are آپ high?” I hiss.
Her eyes meet mine and I know I’m right, shaking my head I ignore her struggled protest and grab the keys back, “get in the back and hold your brother, we’ll talk about this later” and with her head down she does what I say.
Do آپ ever just want to bang their heads against a دیوار and scream why? Well I don’t have the time for that but so help me god if I did…
The car comes to life and I let out a sigh of relief, and for a moment I close my eyes, when I open them I see our perfect looking house standing tall, the red roses around the porch looking so bright.
The car still runs, but the سیکنڈ before I reverse seems to last for hours, as I see those too red roses, the ones that suddenly remind me of all my son’s blood. Blood that still covers my hands, and suddenly I can’t stand the sight, I promise my self in that brief moment that the first chance I get I’m going to rip all those roses out.
![Brucas =]](http://images1.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/Brucas-brucas-982389_500_227.gif)
