*Julian*
The past – my past – isn’t something I like to think about often, there isn’t much worth remembering. My personal life, یا lack thereof, has never been exactly exciting. The geek in high school I never quite grew up from the awkward loner who felt inept in social situations, دوستوں are not something I come across easily and I have never had ‘homies’ یا been ‘one of the guys’. Work – being successful – has been my main focus most of my adult life and I am lucky enough to find genuine joy in all my career moves which leads to me devoting even مزید time to it. My office is مزید a ہوم than my apartment, and as bare as it may be it has a lot مزید of me in it that the blank space waiting with a bed.
Home. آپ could call it that though it is far from my home, it’s a small series of empty rooms to remind me that I have no one to help occupy it which is why I am now sitting behind my ڈیسک at work in my office going over files.
As I flip through my papers I realise that rereading these notes is just my way of avoiding leaving, the truth is I have no real reason to be here.
Sighing I close the file and spin around in my chair, a stack of کتابیں gain my attention and once again I walk over and pick up Lucas’ book. It had been a gift from an ex girlfriend after I told her ‘An Unkindness of Ravens’ was one of my favourite books, two weeks later Janine had دیا me a copy of his latest book. A week later we broke up.
Not because of the book, Janine had decided she wanted to اقدام and was ready to start a new life after her marriage fell through. My relationships tend to have a pattern, looking back over the long series of girls who have entered then exited my life it has become clear I am like a temporary safety net. My دل falls for the broken girls, attracted to them I get the need to save them, to fix them, unfortunately once they are mended they have the tendency to throw me away because I am no longer needed. Most of the time it is mutual and I walk away with a friend, because lets face it most of the time I never really became مزید than a good friend.
Somewhere along the way I decided to break the pattern, when I see a broken girl I now walk in the opposite direction. Fixing other peoples problems isn’t my job – okay it is my job, but fixing broken hearts isn’t.
Dropping the book down I grab my جیکٹ and keys and prepare to leave, then at the door I stop and look back at my office and I see something resting on the back of one of my chairs.
Sam’s coat.
When I pick it up the soft fabric shocks me, the zing spreads up my arm and I rub the کالر between my thumb and finger before folding it over my arm and leaving my office once again. This time I don’t stop, I switch the light off and quickly make my way out, it’s dark but I don’t care about the lack of light.
In my car I place Sam’s کوٹ on the passenger’s side نشست and quickly start the car. I could drop it off at her house tomorrow on the way to work, یا during lunch, یا maybe I could meet her for coffee یا lunch. I don’t have her number though.
Maybe I should just stick to dropping it off at her place tomorrow morning and at the thought her address burns in my pants pocket. I don’t need to take a سیکنڈ look because I had memorised it earlier after one glance, the number and سٹریٹ, گلی going over and over again in my head.
And just like that I find myself turning in the opposite direction of my apartment.
…
I’m not sure why I’m standing outside the small townhouse but the moment I parked the car and saw the light on inside I felt like I had somehow reached my destination and hadn’t paused in stepping out and jogging to the front door, the کوٹ itching in my arms.
It’s not until I’m actually standing at the door that I سوال why I am here and not walking through my own door. It is after all late at night and Sam is probably asleep and it’s just a coat. But what if tomorrow is cold and she needs it?
Julian, she probably has another کوٹ آپ idiot.
This could be her favourite though, it looks well worn, and it smells like her. Shaking my head away from the thought I knock on the door.
If no one جوابات within a minute.. یا two… okay I will give her three minutes, then I will turn away and just come back tomorrow.
She’s probably asleep.
Then the door opens.
“Julian?” Sam looks at me shocked and a warm smile starts to spread across my face, I can’t fight it as I look her over, she’s dressed down, her face looking newly washed and گلابی and her damp hair is pulled in a tight pony. A baggy شرٹ, قمیض and sweat pants grace her body which is a far cry away from the teenager she use to be… um, anyway, I smile when I see her bare feet poking out and quickly take my eyes back up to her face.
“Hey”
“Um, hey” she says slowly and then narrows her eyes “what are آپ doing here?”
Fighting the urge to slap my head I quickly try to remember why I am here, my hands grip the کوٹ and it hits me “oh, آپ left this… at my office”
“Ah, thanks” Sam takes the کوٹ as I practically throw it at her and she chuckles a little and looks behind her, when she looks back at me she has a different expression on her face, lacking nerves یا confusion, her cheery composure helps settle my nerves. Why I am nervous I am not sure but that smile settles something inside me. That is until she says “so, do آپ want to come in?”
One half of me is going no, do not do it, go back to your car and drive away as fast as آپ can while the other half is jumping up and down in anticipation and practically yelling YES! Step inside!
The fighting between my halves stop me from making either اقدام and I’m not entirely sure why they are being so persistent. What is the big deal?
A wrinkle appears above the bridge of Sam’s nose, she looks at me and says “if آپ don’t want to…”
“No- No, I uh… that sounds great”
“Okay” she chuckles slightly and steps back to make room for me to walk سے طرف کی her, and as I do so the scent of cinnamon and coffee tickled my nose. The same smell that had lingered on the coat. My gut tightens and apprehension settles in as it hits me that maybe, just maybe, I was nervous about being around Sam not because of her ties to my past but because in the here and now I am having trouble remembering the teenage her and the picture of Sam the woman is far too appealing.
I pause and suck in a breath, I can’t be here. What am I doing here?
Taking a step back I’m ready to bolt when she quickly walks pass me, “coffee یا something a little مزید hardcore, I know I could use a drink after today” and she walks behind the باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ counter that separates the combined dining and living room from the kitchen.
Instead of going back I step forward, “do آپ have any whisky?”
I see the view over the counter and find Sam bent down with her face hidden behind the open fridge door, she laughs and straightens up, turning around she throws a bottle to me and I catch it, “sorry, I hope بیئر will do”
Truthfully anything cold at the moment will do, I look down at the bottle in my hand and see my سیکنڈ favourite brew “good taste” I can’t help but compliment her and Sam shrugs a shoulder and quickly opens her own بیئر and takes a long swallow.
I watch her and my hand twitches as a drop runs from her lips and slowly makes its way down her throat.
Turning away I quickly unscrew the bottle and happily welcome the cold بیئر down my suddenly dry throat.
When Sam stops اگلے to me she holds out her bottle, “to old friends” she says and I knock the glass bottles together before quickly walking away and use the excuse of looking around to put distance between us.
“So this is your place?”
“No, I just gave آپ the address and then broke in hoping آپ would stop by, I really live-”
“You can stop now” I cut in, “I get it”
“Then yes, this is my place”
“It’s… nice, really homey” I add as I take in the warmth of the space. It’s colourful, full of shades of reds, creams and browns, and the small burgundy سوفی, لٹانا with its spiral patterned cushions is calling my name. It is so different to my place.
Sam takes a نشست and quickly lifts her legs up, crossing them she places her bare feet onto the wooden coffee میز, جدول and takes another drink, “that’s because it’s… a home” she whispers as if telling me a classified secret.
I laugh, “Do آپ have to tease me so much”
“You think this is teasing you, god, Julian, and here I thought آپ knew me, this is me going easy on آپ but if آپ want me to really tease you?” she stops and lifts a brow and smirks a little smirk that though is all too familiar looks completely different on a now thirty-five سال old Sam. I lick my lips and tighten the hold of the bottle in my hand, “please don’t” I try to laugh but I fail miserably and instead give a nervous gulp. Sam suddenly looks confused, she leans آگے and leaves her bottle on a coaster and never takes her dark questioning eyes from me.
We stay like this for a long time, the contact not breaking until the awkwardness and the confusion just fades away, until it’s just the two if us and nothing else matters. And we both relax, the emotions inside me settling on a contented happiness as she smiles an easy smile at me. All urges to bolt leave me and I find myself walking around the coffee میز, جدول and taking a نشست اگلے to her.
“So we never really got a chance to catch up today, how are آپ Sam, what have آپ gotten up to in the last nineteen years?”
She shrugs and picks up her drink again, “not much, I’m a teacher” and she shrugs again as if it’s nothing.
“You teach?” I ask shocked yet proud.
“Well I’m a substitute teacher and it keeps me busy and gives me time to be a guardian ad litem, I enjoy it” she takes another drink and then looks at me in the eye “and what about you, mister lawyer man, that’s a little different from making movies”
“I wanted a change” which is an understatement.
After a loud laugh Sam shakes her head at me as if I just کہا the funniest thing she’d ever heard, “no, buying a new car is a change, completely changing careers and going to law school in your late twenties is… more. آپ completely dropped the call of Hollywood after producing ‘KTR’ ”
Wiping my forehead I close my eyes, “oh no, don’t tell me آپ saw that?”
“No” Sam chuckles and I look at her not believing her.
“Okay then how did آپ know-” and before I could finish the sentence she lifts the bottle to her mouth, and just before she touches it with her lips she cuts in “I googled you” and then she gently throws her head back and takes a long swallow, when she is done she avoids my eyes.
Allowing my own voice to become… the term flirtatious doesn’t seem right but I find myself teasing Sam right back with the same tone she has been using, “you googled me, huh?”
“Yes, I googled you”
“Find out anything interesting?”
She smirks, “wouldn’t آپ like to know” and I find I have no answer for that.
The air thickens between us, something shifting steadily as we stare at each other, she looks away awkwardly and wiggles further into the corner of her side of the couch, and she tucks her feet under her starts to play with the bottle in her hand.
I پار, صلیب my legs and then uncross them, my mind is blank, though there are so many things I want to say at the same time I have no idea what to say.
Somehow I have managed to drink every drop of بیئر in the bottle, with no excuse to be holding the empty object I abandon it to the coffee میز, جدول and lean back, my arm goes to the back of the سوفی, لٹانا but when my fingers brush against Sam’s hair I quickly اقدام it away and place that hand to my own side.
“So…” but I don’t get further than that.
I loosen my collar.
Sam shifts around and my eyes are drawn back to her.
There is just something so wrong about the way I admire the glow of her face in the barely lit room, یا notice the way a strand of her hair has escaped her ٹٹو and now grazes her کالر bone as it falls onto her smooth skin.
“So…” she says this time and I lift my eyes from her exposed neck back to her face.
Quickly I grab for something to say, something to remind me why I can’t look at her, “is your husband home?” I ask and allow my eyes to go to the pictures lined up above her fireplace.
I am assuming tall, dark and handsome kissing Sam with the Paris background is Mr Colson.
“There is no husband”
My eyes go back to her in a flash to find Sam wiggling the fingers of her left hand اگلے to her face, her bare left hand.
“I assumed, sorry” and my eyes go back to the photos. The room is full of تصاویر of a little girl with bright green eyes and dark hair smiling, that and the Paris تصویر and Sam’s change of last name led me to believe that she was off the market.
I’m not sure about how I feel knowing she isn’t married; I’m not sure about the shot of relief that washed throw me when she کہا there was no husband.
When I look nervously back at her Sam’s brow is creased and she is looking at where I was just looking, then her lips part and she meets my eye “I mean there was a husband, a long time ago, Andy, I’m divorced, happily divorced, have been for seven years but آپ know I never could be bothered changing back to my maiden name, not like Walker had much significance anyway- I’m babbling, I don’t babble”
“Don’t stop on my account” I chuckle, I found seeing Sam flustered cute, and hearing that Andy – what sort of name is Andy anyway?- was out of the picture was good, a little too good.
“No that’s okay, I don’t exactly need to talk about my dead end marriage, آپ been married?” she changed the subject to me and I almost choke “NO!” I say a little too loudly.
“Any kids?”
“Not that I know of” I shoot back.
This conversation is really straying too far into the personal area, way too far I think again when I notice how close we have somehow shifted.
Standing up quickly I look towards the front door, then back at Sam, she looks bemused “are آپ okay?”
“Yeah” I say but I don’t feel it “is it hot in here?” I undo my سب, سب سے اوپر button and loosen my شرٹ, قمیض some more, it is starting to feel really hot in here and the walls are closing in on me.
“Do آپ want another drink, I could get آپ one?”
The last thing I need right now is مزید alcohol but I don’t get a chance to reply, mid shake of the head a small voice pops in.
“Mommy”
Now its Sam’s turn to rush up, she almost trips in the effort to stand and twist around to face the small girl standing in the opening of the hallway that I assume leads to the rest of the house, including bedrooms. Bedrooms with beds… okay, thinking about something else.
I force myself to look at the little girl and observing her small features I realise that other than a similar shade of hair colour there is no resemblance between Sam and her daughter.
“Hey poppet, shouldn’t آپ be asleep?” Sam addressed the little girl and starts to walk towards her.
“I needed to go to the toilet”
“Nice try, that’s in the other direction and آپ went before bed”
“I’m thirsty”
“Yeah and then آپ will need to go to the toilet”
“I forgot to brush my teeth” the little girl changes tactics and Sam places her hands on her hips and tilts her head down at the girl, with a sly smile the child says instead “can I just have one مزید story? I missed آپ today” and she pouted.
I could see Sam giving in, “go ahead, I will wait” I say.
Sam shoots me a thankful smile and then reaches down and picks up her daughter, she throws her over her shoulder “okay one story and then its lights off no excuses”
I hear a small voice ask before they completely disappear “who is that man?”
And then a chuckled “a friend of Mommy’s”
I’m in deep trouble, deep trouble.
…
Against my better instincts I waited in the small living room for Sam to come back, I could have just left and gone ہوم but I didn’t. It wasn’t right to just leave without a goodbye even though it seemed the smart thing to do.
Now I wait on the سوفی, لٹانا alone, my hands between my spread knees, and my eyes continually going over every detail in the room.
There are no baby photos, it took me a good five منٹ to figure it out but there are no baby تصاویر anywhere in sight, the little girl that calls Sam Mommy was not displayed any younger than two. I don’t have long to think about it before Sam is back, she is sitting back اگلے to me before I even realise she had returned, “thanks for that, I was late ہوم tonight and Elena was already ready for بستر سے طرف کی the time I picked her up”
“She’s a lucky little girl”
Sam smiles shyly at me “I like to think so. I try to give her everything I can”
“And her father is he in the picture?”
“There is no father” she pauses before adding quietly “Elena is my foster daughter”
“Oh” I’m not sure what else to say. She is not exactly what I expected after all these years, there is so little traces left of the troubled teen I once knew. Sam is just so sure of herself, so there. “Brooke would be so proud of everything آپ have done with your life” I tell her knowing it to be true, knowing on some other level that Brooke is a huge reason why Sam is where she is.
As if she had read my mind Sam goes on to say “I thought about that when I met Elena, she was two and I saw her and the life she had and I thought about the chance I could give her, the chance Brooke gave me, and I knew that I had to just do it. Loving Elle is just a bonus”
I stare at her, truly taken in سے طرف کی the sight of the woman in front of me an every new thing I learn about her, “look at you. All grown up, a foster mother, teacher, guardian ad litem, آپ are-”
“Please if آپ are going to say some line about how I’m some sort of saint” she laughs and looks at me with a slightly disgusted look at the thought, as if she doesn’t get just how great she is, how what she does is changing lives.
Looking straight at her I tell her instead “I was just going to say آپ are amazing”
She looks up at me and time seems to freeze.
How did we get this close to each other, when did I slide across to her side? یا did she اقدام to me, I’m not sure but suddenly we’re sitting right اگلے to each other, our hips brushing and her face is practically right below mine.
I tell myself this is not what I need, a do-gooder, and divorced single mother, who happens to be my exes former foster daughter, an ex who has just come back into my life in a messy court case, which کہا do-gooder is involved in. The crazy thing is that I’m thinking about not doing this because I shouldn’t be thinking about doing it. This is Sampson; she is a kid, too young for me. She is…
I’m running out of reasons why it’s wrong.
I am coming back to the fact that I am starting to feel something, a zing, an energy, between us, something I haven’t felt so strongly in so long and all those reasons fade into the background as the feelings take centre stage.
Because the way she is looking at me, I think she is feeling it too and she is just confused but neither one of us can look away.
My relationships have a pattern, I fall for the broken girl and I fix her only to be left behind when she outgrows me and something مزید real comes along یا she falls back to what she had before me, as if I was a transition until the right guy came back.
This should warn me off Sam, but as I look down into her widening eyes, as her pupils dilate, I don’t see a broken girl, I don’t see somebody in need of fixing, I just see her in all her glory.
Here is a girl who doesn’t need saving.
And with the اگلے thought I find myself leaning down and touching her lips with my own, gently, slowly… it’s careful and hesitant but after a slight pause she kisses me back, one of her hands come up to cup my unshaven chin and she takes control.
The kiss is no longer careful, she opens my mouth and slides her tongue inside and I’m pushing her back onto the lounge, her soft body under me.
Somehow we are both lying full bodied on the small couch, our mouths devouring each other as her hands explore my body and mine keep me propped up above her.
She moans and then as I kiss the side of her mouth she sighs and her hands stop to grip my shirt, and then she runs them up my body and takes hold of my jacket, she slides it off of me and I return my lips to her mouth in a full kiss which quickly becomes out of hand.
Had I known we would end up like this I would have never knocked on that door because my دل falls too easily, and I can feel myself slipping against my better judgement and soon I may need to be the one saved.
I shouldn’t be kissing Sam yet I don’t stop.
Eventually we have to pull apart to breathe and I look down at her, her breathing is rough, and she’s just as shocked as me but then she smiles and suddenly she’s laughing forcing her body to shake under mine.
“Okay, I feel like a lot of things, laughing is not one of them”
“Sorry” she gets out between laughs “it’s just I use to catch آپ and Brooke making out on the سوفی, لٹانا and now look at us”
Brooke. Oh my god. What am I doing? Sam was Brooke’s foster daughter, hell she might as well have been mine and now I am pawing her on the couch.
“Don’t” Sam sees the look in my eye and places a finger to my lips stopping me from saying I have to go, “just stop thinking” she tells me and leans up to kiss me again.
I get lost in it, in her. It never seems to end.
My hands are moving out of my control, as her fingers unbutton my شرٹ, قمیض mine go straight to the hem of Sam’s شرٹ, قمیض and slip under.
Her moans of pleasure push me further, soon I am shirtless and her bare foot slips under my pants and one slides up and down my leg, it is my turn to moan.
Fingers play at the hair above the waist of my pants, then in the quiet room the sound of my بیلٹ, پٹی unbuckling is all too loud, grinding into her I moan again, the heaviness of my erection pushing against her. Her neck rolls back and I begin to kiss the spot below her ear and her hand slackens as we اقدام together.
My body has only one thought, straining to be closer to hers but I force myself to اقدام slower یا this will be over way too quickly.
Tilting her head back I take her lips and never stop the rhythm between us, imitating the act we both want with our tongues.
Her hands hold onto my hips and I trail one hand down her side and for a moment I play with the cords of her pants before closing my eyes tighter and slipping beneath the material.
Sam isn’t wearing underwear, our kisses become مزید heated, and then I find her centre. She’s wet and I fight the urge to pull her sweats and my own pants down and just push myself inside her. One thrust with our clothes still between us and then I touch her, my fingers moving quickly.
Sam stops kissing me, her hands still holding onto my hips she moves her body under mine, as husky sounds escape her throat. She gets louder and louder and I know she’s close.
God.
Oh god.
A small scream breaks free from her and she relaxes beneath me, her hips still moving slightly against my fingers.
I give her one last kiss and then bury my face in her neck.
I could stay like this forever, it scares me just how tempting that idea is.
When she speaks her breath is hot against my neck, “do آپ have anything?” it sends shivers all the way down my spine.
“What?” I can barely understand her, my head is too full of my thoughts and my body is too distracted سے طرف کی still being on سب, سب سے اوپر of hers, and my hips give an involuntary twitch.
“Protection” she clarifies and then her hands are busy, they slide down my zip and I jump back.
“Whoa, hold on, I didn’t expect this so no I am not prepared” how close was I to forgetting something as important as condoms, if she hadn’t کہا anything I wouldn’t have even thought about it, I would have entered her unprotected and completely happy while being unaware of it.
She smiles, that smirk that really could be the death of me, “that’s alright, I’m sure I have some hidden away somewhere” and she wraps one hand around me.
I grow even harder but two thoughts enter my head, the unpleasant one of another man touching her intimately in the way that would need those ‘hidden away’ condoms, and how I am not a family guy.
It was a long time پہلے I settled down and became okay with not being the family guy, that I was never going to have what others have. No wife یا kids. Commitment just wasn’t for me, I’m okay with it, and really I am. No I’m not, it hurts, it hurts to be alone.
It hurts to fall in love and then lose it all and have to start all over again.
And looking down at Sam I see it happening, I picture her and her beautiful daughter, I picture a love that I could have and then I see it all being taken away. I picture the pain and I can’t do it.
I just can’t do it.
So I walk away before I can get hurt, and I see the confusion in Sam’s eyes as I get up and step away “We can’t do this”
“What are آپ talking about? We just did”
I grab my جیکٹ and quickly head towards the door and she follows me “Julian!”
“I’m sorry” I mumble not looking at her as I open the door and run to my car, and I don’t look back once as I get in and drive away.
…
My apartment is empty and dark when I walk inside and drop my keys, I walk like a zombie into my room and start stripping, belatedly remembering the شرٹ, قمیض I left on Sam’s floor.
Alone I get into bed, I close my eyes and try not to picture her, and I try not to remember the way she felt and smelled یا even the way she made me feel, like I still have a heart. I fail miserably.
And then it hits me - this time I am the broken one.
The past – my past – isn’t something I like to think about often, there isn’t much worth remembering. My personal life, یا lack thereof, has never been exactly exciting. The geek in high school I never quite grew up from the awkward loner who felt inept in social situations, دوستوں are not something I come across easily and I have never had ‘homies’ یا been ‘one of the guys’. Work – being successful – has been my main focus most of my adult life and I am lucky enough to find genuine joy in all my career moves which leads to me devoting even مزید time to it. My office is مزید a ہوم than my apartment, and as bare as it may be it has a lot مزید of me in it that the blank space waiting with a bed.
Home. آپ could call it that though it is far from my home, it’s a small series of empty rooms to remind me that I have no one to help occupy it which is why I am now sitting behind my ڈیسک at work in my office going over files.
As I flip through my papers I realise that rereading these notes is just my way of avoiding leaving, the truth is I have no real reason to be here.
Sighing I close the file and spin around in my chair, a stack of کتابیں gain my attention and once again I walk over and pick up Lucas’ book. It had been a gift from an ex girlfriend after I told her ‘An Unkindness of Ravens’ was one of my favourite books, two weeks later Janine had دیا me a copy of his latest book. A week later we broke up.
Not because of the book, Janine had decided she wanted to اقدام and was ready to start a new life after her marriage fell through. My relationships tend to have a pattern, looking back over the long series of girls who have entered then exited my life it has become clear I am like a temporary safety net. My دل falls for the broken girls, attracted to them I get the need to save them, to fix them, unfortunately once they are mended they have the tendency to throw me away because I am no longer needed. Most of the time it is mutual and I walk away with a friend, because lets face it most of the time I never really became مزید than a good friend.
Somewhere along the way I decided to break the pattern, when I see a broken girl I now walk in the opposite direction. Fixing other peoples problems isn’t my job – okay it is my job, but fixing broken hearts isn’t.
Dropping the book down I grab my جیکٹ and keys and prepare to leave, then at the door I stop and look back at my office and I see something resting on the back of one of my chairs.
Sam’s coat.
When I pick it up the soft fabric shocks me, the zing spreads up my arm and I rub the کالر between my thumb and finger before folding it over my arm and leaving my office once again. This time I don’t stop, I switch the light off and quickly make my way out, it’s dark but I don’t care about the lack of light.
In my car I place Sam’s کوٹ on the passenger’s side نشست and quickly start the car. I could drop it off at her house tomorrow on the way to work, یا during lunch, یا maybe I could meet her for coffee یا lunch. I don’t have her number though.
Maybe I should just stick to dropping it off at her place tomorrow morning and at the thought her address burns in my pants pocket. I don’t need to take a سیکنڈ look because I had memorised it earlier after one glance, the number and سٹریٹ, گلی going over and over again in my head.
And just like that I find myself turning in the opposite direction of my apartment.
…
I’m not sure why I’m standing outside the small townhouse but the moment I parked the car and saw the light on inside I felt like I had somehow reached my destination and hadn’t paused in stepping out and jogging to the front door, the کوٹ itching in my arms.
It’s not until I’m actually standing at the door that I سوال why I am here and not walking through my own door. It is after all late at night and Sam is probably asleep and it’s just a coat. But what if tomorrow is cold and she needs it?
Julian, she probably has another کوٹ آپ idiot.
This could be her favourite though, it looks well worn, and it smells like her. Shaking my head away from the thought I knock on the door.
If no one جوابات within a minute.. یا two… okay I will give her three minutes, then I will turn away and just come back tomorrow.
She’s probably asleep.
Then the door opens.
“Julian?” Sam looks at me shocked and a warm smile starts to spread across my face, I can’t fight it as I look her over, she’s dressed down, her face looking newly washed and گلابی and her damp hair is pulled in a tight pony. A baggy شرٹ, قمیض and sweat pants grace her body which is a far cry away from the teenager she use to be… um, anyway, I smile when I see her bare feet poking out and quickly take my eyes back up to her face.
“Hey”
“Um, hey” she says slowly and then narrows her eyes “what are آپ doing here?”
Fighting the urge to slap my head I quickly try to remember why I am here, my hands grip the کوٹ and it hits me “oh, آپ left this… at my office”
“Ah, thanks” Sam takes the کوٹ as I practically throw it at her and she chuckles a little and looks behind her, when she looks back at me she has a different expression on her face, lacking nerves یا confusion, her cheery composure helps settle my nerves. Why I am nervous I am not sure but that smile settles something inside me. That is until she says “so, do آپ want to come in?”
One half of me is going no, do not do it, go back to your car and drive away as fast as آپ can while the other half is jumping up and down in anticipation and practically yelling YES! Step inside!
The fighting between my halves stop me from making either اقدام and I’m not entirely sure why they are being so persistent. What is the big deal?
A wrinkle appears above the bridge of Sam’s nose, she looks at me and says “if آپ don’t want to…”
“No- No, I uh… that sounds great”
“Okay” she chuckles slightly and steps back to make room for me to walk سے طرف کی her, and as I do so the scent of cinnamon and coffee tickled my nose. The same smell that had lingered on the coat. My gut tightens and apprehension settles in as it hits me that maybe, just maybe, I was nervous about being around Sam not because of her ties to my past but because in the here and now I am having trouble remembering the teenage her and the picture of Sam the woman is far too appealing.
I pause and suck in a breath, I can’t be here. What am I doing here?
Taking a step back I’m ready to bolt when she quickly walks pass me, “coffee یا something a little مزید hardcore, I know I could use a drink after today” and she walks behind the باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ counter that separates the combined dining and living room from the kitchen.
Instead of going back I step forward, “do آپ have any whisky?”
I see the view over the counter and find Sam bent down with her face hidden behind the open fridge door, she laughs and straightens up, turning around she throws a bottle to me and I catch it, “sorry, I hope بیئر will do”
Truthfully anything cold at the moment will do, I look down at the bottle in my hand and see my سیکنڈ favourite brew “good taste” I can’t help but compliment her and Sam shrugs a shoulder and quickly opens her own بیئر and takes a long swallow.
I watch her and my hand twitches as a drop runs from her lips and slowly makes its way down her throat.
Turning away I quickly unscrew the bottle and happily welcome the cold بیئر down my suddenly dry throat.
When Sam stops اگلے to me she holds out her bottle, “to old friends” she says and I knock the glass bottles together before quickly walking away and use the excuse of looking around to put distance between us.
“So this is your place?”
“No, I just gave آپ the address and then broke in hoping آپ would stop by, I really live-”
“You can stop now” I cut in, “I get it”
“Then yes, this is my place”
“It’s… nice, really homey” I add as I take in the warmth of the space. It’s colourful, full of shades of reds, creams and browns, and the small burgundy سوفی, لٹانا with its spiral patterned cushions is calling my name. It is so different to my place.
Sam takes a نشست and quickly lifts her legs up, crossing them she places her bare feet onto the wooden coffee میز, جدول and takes another drink, “that’s because it’s… a home” she whispers as if telling me a classified secret.
I laugh, “Do آپ have to tease me so much”
“You think this is teasing you, god, Julian, and here I thought آپ knew me, this is me going easy on آپ but if آپ want me to really tease you?” she stops and lifts a brow and smirks a little smirk that though is all too familiar looks completely different on a now thirty-five سال old Sam. I lick my lips and tighten the hold of the bottle in my hand, “please don’t” I try to laugh but I fail miserably and instead give a nervous gulp. Sam suddenly looks confused, she leans آگے and leaves her bottle on a coaster and never takes her dark questioning eyes from me.
We stay like this for a long time, the contact not breaking until the awkwardness and the confusion just fades away, until it’s just the two if us and nothing else matters. And we both relax, the emotions inside me settling on a contented happiness as she smiles an easy smile at me. All urges to bolt leave me and I find myself walking around the coffee میز, جدول and taking a نشست اگلے to her.
“So we never really got a chance to catch up today, how are آپ Sam, what have آپ gotten up to in the last nineteen years?”
She shrugs and picks up her drink again, “not much, I’m a teacher” and she shrugs again as if it’s nothing.
“You teach?” I ask shocked yet proud.
“Well I’m a substitute teacher and it keeps me busy and gives me time to be a guardian ad litem, I enjoy it” she takes another drink and then looks at me in the eye “and what about you, mister lawyer man, that’s a little different from making movies”
“I wanted a change” which is an understatement.
After a loud laugh Sam shakes her head at me as if I just کہا the funniest thing she’d ever heard, “no, buying a new car is a change, completely changing careers and going to law school in your late twenties is… more. آپ completely dropped the call of Hollywood after producing ‘KTR’ ”
Wiping my forehead I close my eyes, “oh no, don’t tell me آپ saw that?”
“No” Sam chuckles and I look at her not believing her.
“Okay then how did آپ know-” and before I could finish the sentence she lifts the bottle to her mouth, and just before she touches it with her lips she cuts in “I googled you” and then she gently throws her head back and takes a long swallow, when she is done she avoids my eyes.
Allowing my own voice to become… the term flirtatious doesn’t seem right but I find myself teasing Sam right back with the same tone she has been using, “you googled me, huh?”
“Yes, I googled you”
“Find out anything interesting?”
She smirks, “wouldn’t آپ like to know” and I find I have no answer for that.
The air thickens between us, something shifting steadily as we stare at each other, she looks away awkwardly and wiggles further into the corner of her side of the couch, and she tucks her feet under her starts to play with the bottle in her hand.
I پار, صلیب my legs and then uncross them, my mind is blank, though there are so many things I want to say at the same time I have no idea what to say.
Somehow I have managed to drink every drop of بیئر in the bottle, with no excuse to be holding the empty object I abandon it to the coffee میز, جدول and lean back, my arm goes to the back of the سوفی, لٹانا but when my fingers brush against Sam’s hair I quickly اقدام it away and place that hand to my own side.
“So…” but I don’t get further than that.
I loosen my collar.
Sam shifts around and my eyes are drawn back to her.
There is just something so wrong about the way I admire the glow of her face in the barely lit room, یا notice the way a strand of her hair has escaped her ٹٹو and now grazes her کالر bone as it falls onto her smooth skin.
“So…” she says this time and I lift my eyes from her exposed neck back to her face.
Quickly I grab for something to say, something to remind me why I can’t look at her, “is your husband home?” I ask and allow my eyes to go to the pictures lined up above her fireplace.
I am assuming tall, dark and handsome kissing Sam with the Paris background is Mr Colson.
“There is no husband”
My eyes go back to her in a flash to find Sam wiggling the fingers of her left hand اگلے to her face, her bare left hand.
“I assumed, sorry” and my eyes go back to the photos. The room is full of تصاویر of a little girl with bright green eyes and dark hair smiling, that and the Paris تصویر and Sam’s change of last name led me to believe that she was off the market.
I’m not sure about how I feel knowing she isn’t married; I’m not sure about the shot of relief that washed throw me when she کہا there was no husband.
When I look nervously back at her Sam’s brow is creased and she is looking at where I was just looking, then her lips part and she meets my eye “I mean there was a husband, a long time ago, Andy, I’m divorced, happily divorced, have been for seven years but آپ know I never could be bothered changing back to my maiden name, not like Walker had much significance anyway- I’m babbling, I don’t babble”
“Don’t stop on my account” I chuckle, I found seeing Sam flustered cute, and hearing that Andy – what sort of name is Andy anyway?- was out of the picture was good, a little too good.
“No that’s okay, I don’t exactly need to talk about my dead end marriage, آپ been married?” she changed the subject to me and I almost choke “NO!” I say a little too loudly.
“Any kids?”
“Not that I know of” I shoot back.
This conversation is really straying too far into the personal area, way too far I think again when I notice how close we have somehow shifted.
Standing up quickly I look towards the front door, then back at Sam, she looks bemused “are آپ okay?”
“Yeah” I say but I don’t feel it “is it hot in here?” I undo my سب, سب سے اوپر button and loosen my شرٹ, قمیض some more, it is starting to feel really hot in here and the walls are closing in on me.
“Do آپ want another drink, I could get آپ one?”
The last thing I need right now is مزید alcohol but I don’t get a chance to reply, mid shake of the head a small voice pops in.
“Mommy”
Now its Sam’s turn to rush up, she almost trips in the effort to stand and twist around to face the small girl standing in the opening of the hallway that I assume leads to the rest of the house, including bedrooms. Bedrooms with beds… okay, thinking about something else.
I force myself to look at the little girl and observing her small features I realise that other than a similar shade of hair colour there is no resemblance between Sam and her daughter.
“Hey poppet, shouldn’t آپ be asleep?” Sam addressed the little girl and starts to walk towards her.
“I needed to go to the toilet”
“Nice try, that’s in the other direction and آپ went before bed”
“I’m thirsty”
“Yeah and then آپ will need to go to the toilet”
“I forgot to brush my teeth” the little girl changes tactics and Sam places her hands on her hips and tilts her head down at the girl, with a sly smile the child says instead “can I just have one مزید story? I missed آپ today” and she pouted.
I could see Sam giving in, “go ahead, I will wait” I say.
Sam shoots me a thankful smile and then reaches down and picks up her daughter, she throws her over her shoulder “okay one story and then its lights off no excuses”
I hear a small voice ask before they completely disappear “who is that man?”
And then a chuckled “a friend of Mommy’s”
I’m in deep trouble, deep trouble.
…
Against my better instincts I waited in the small living room for Sam to come back, I could have just left and gone ہوم but I didn’t. It wasn’t right to just leave without a goodbye even though it seemed the smart thing to do.
Now I wait on the سوفی, لٹانا alone, my hands between my spread knees, and my eyes continually going over every detail in the room.
There are no baby photos, it took me a good five منٹ to figure it out but there are no baby تصاویر anywhere in sight, the little girl that calls Sam Mommy was not displayed any younger than two. I don’t have long to think about it before Sam is back, she is sitting back اگلے to me before I even realise she had returned, “thanks for that, I was late ہوم tonight and Elena was already ready for بستر سے طرف کی the time I picked her up”
“She’s a lucky little girl”
Sam smiles shyly at me “I like to think so. I try to give her everything I can”
“And her father is he in the picture?”
“There is no father” she pauses before adding quietly “Elena is my foster daughter”
“Oh” I’m not sure what else to say. She is not exactly what I expected after all these years, there is so little traces left of the troubled teen I once knew. Sam is just so sure of herself, so there. “Brooke would be so proud of everything آپ have done with your life” I tell her knowing it to be true, knowing on some other level that Brooke is a huge reason why Sam is where she is.
As if she had read my mind Sam goes on to say “I thought about that when I met Elena, she was two and I saw her and the life she had and I thought about the chance I could give her, the chance Brooke gave me, and I knew that I had to just do it. Loving Elle is just a bonus”
I stare at her, truly taken in سے طرف کی the sight of the woman in front of me an every new thing I learn about her, “look at you. All grown up, a foster mother, teacher, guardian ad litem, آپ are-”
“Please if آپ are going to say some line about how I’m some sort of saint” she laughs and looks at me with a slightly disgusted look at the thought, as if she doesn’t get just how great she is, how what she does is changing lives.
Looking straight at her I tell her instead “I was just going to say آپ are amazing”
She looks up at me and time seems to freeze.
How did we get this close to each other, when did I slide across to her side? یا did she اقدام to me, I’m not sure but suddenly we’re sitting right اگلے to each other, our hips brushing and her face is practically right below mine.
I tell myself this is not what I need, a do-gooder, and divorced single mother, who happens to be my exes former foster daughter, an ex who has just come back into my life in a messy court case, which کہا do-gooder is involved in. The crazy thing is that I’m thinking about not doing this because I shouldn’t be thinking about doing it. This is Sampson; she is a kid, too young for me. She is…
I’m running out of reasons why it’s wrong.
I am coming back to the fact that I am starting to feel something, a zing, an energy, between us, something I haven’t felt so strongly in so long and all those reasons fade into the background as the feelings take centre stage.
Because the way she is looking at me, I think she is feeling it too and she is just confused but neither one of us can look away.
My relationships have a pattern, I fall for the broken girl and I fix her only to be left behind when she outgrows me and something مزید real comes along یا she falls back to what she had before me, as if I was a transition until the right guy came back.
This should warn me off Sam, but as I look down into her widening eyes, as her pupils dilate, I don’t see a broken girl, I don’t see somebody in need of fixing, I just see her in all her glory.
Here is a girl who doesn’t need saving.
And with the اگلے thought I find myself leaning down and touching her lips with my own, gently, slowly… it’s careful and hesitant but after a slight pause she kisses me back, one of her hands come up to cup my unshaven chin and she takes control.
The kiss is no longer careful, she opens my mouth and slides her tongue inside and I’m pushing her back onto the lounge, her soft body under me.
Somehow we are both lying full bodied on the small couch, our mouths devouring each other as her hands explore my body and mine keep me propped up above her.
She moans and then as I kiss the side of her mouth she sighs and her hands stop to grip my shirt, and then she runs them up my body and takes hold of my jacket, she slides it off of me and I return my lips to her mouth in a full kiss which quickly becomes out of hand.
Had I known we would end up like this I would have never knocked on that door because my دل falls too easily, and I can feel myself slipping against my better judgement and soon I may need to be the one saved.
I shouldn’t be kissing Sam yet I don’t stop.
Eventually we have to pull apart to breathe and I look down at her, her breathing is rough, and she’s just as shocked as me but then she smiles and suddenly she’s laughing forcing her body to shake under mine.
“Okay, I feel like a lot of things, laughing is not one of them”
“Sorry” she gets out between laughs “it’s just I use to catch آپ and Brooke making out on the سوفی, لٹانا and now look at us”
Brooke. Oh my god. What am I doing? Sam was Brooke’s foster daughter, hell she might as well have been mine and now I am pawing her on the couch.
“Don’t” Sam sees the look in my eye and places a finger to my lips stopping me from saying I have to go, “just stop thinking” she tells me and leans up to kiss me again.
I get lost in it, in her. It never seems to end.
My hands are moving out of my control, as her fingers unbutton my شرٹ, قمیض mine go straight to the hem of Sam’s شرٹ, قمیض and slip under.
Her moans of pleasure push me further, soon I am shirtless and her bare foot slips under my pants and one slides up and down my leg, it is my turn to moan.
Fingers play at the hair above the waist of my pants, then in the quiet room the sound of my بیلٹ, پٹی unbuckling is all too loud, grinding into her I moan again, the heaviness of my erection pushing against her. Her neck rolls back and I begin to kiss the spot below her ear and her hand slackens as we اقدام together.
My body has only one thought, straining to be closer to hers but I force myself to اقدام slower یا this will be over way too quickly.
Tilting her head back I take her lips and never stop the rhythm between us, imitating the act we both want with our tongues.
Her hands hold onto my hips and I trail one hand down her side and for a moment I play with the cords of her pants before closing my eyes tighter and slipping beneath the material.
Sam isn’t wearing underwear, our kisses become مزید heated, and then I find her centre. She’s wet and I fight the urge to pull her sweats and my own pants down and just push myself inside her. One thrust with our clothes still between us and then I touch her, my fingers moving quickly.
Sam stops kissing me, her hands still holding onto my hips she moves her body under mine, as husky sounds escape her throat. She gets louder and louder and I know she’s close.
God.
Oh god.
A small scream breaks free from her and she relaxes beneath me, her hips still moving slightly against my fingers.
I give her one last kiss and then bury my face in her neck.
I could stay like this forever, it scares me just how tempting that idea is.
When she speaks her breath is hot against my neck, “do آپ have anything?” it sends shivers all the way down my spine.
“What?” I can barely understand her, my head is too full of my thoughts and my body is too distracted سے طرف کی still being on سب, سب سے اوپر of hers, and my hips give an involuntary twitch.
“Protection” she clarifies and then her hands are busy, they slide down my zip and I jump back.
“Whoa, hold on, I didn’t expect this so no I am not prepared” how close was I to forgetting something as important as condoms, if she hadn’t کہا anything I wouldn’t have even thought about it, I would have entered her unprotected and completely happy while being unaware of it.
She smiles, that smirk that really could be the death of me, “that’s alright, I’m sure I have some hidden away somewhere” and she wraps one hand around me.
I grow even harder but two thoughts enter my head, the unpleasant one of another man touching her intimately in the way that would need those ‘hidden away’ condoms, and how I am not a family guy.
It was a long time پہلے I settled down and became okay with not being the family guy, that I was never going to have what others have. No wife یا kids. Commitment just wasn’t for me, I’m okay with it, and really I am. No I’m not, it hurts, it hurts to be alone.
It hurts to fall in love and then lose it all and have to start all over again.
And looking down at Sam I see it happening, I picture her and her beautiful daughter, I picture a love that I could have and then I see it all being taken away. I picture the pain and I can’t do it.
I just can’t do it.
So I walk away before I can get hurt, and I see the confusion in Sam’s eyes as I get up and step away “We can’t do this”
“What are آپ talking about? We just did”
I grab my جیکٹ and quickly head towards the door and she follows me “Julian!”
“I’m sorry” I mumble not looking at her as I open the door and run to my car, and I don’t look back once as I get in and drive away.
…
My apartment is empty and dark when I walk inside and drop my keys, I walk like a zombie into my room and start stripping, belatedly remembering the شرٹ, قمیض I left on Sam’s floor.
Alone I get into bed, I close my eyes and try not to picture her, and I try not to remember the way she felt and smelled یا even the way she made me feel, like I still have a heart. I fail miserably.
And then it hits me - this time I am the broken one.