***
It was the end of Valentine’s Day. I wished I could get something for Ashley. Maybe اگلے سال I would be braver. I was alone in my room when I decided to call Ashley. I wouldn’t tell him I loved him yet, I just wanted to hear his voice. I picked up my phone and dialed his number. As I held the phone to my ear I heard a faint ring.
‘Hello?’ I heard Ashley’s voice.
‘Hi,’ I said, ‘this is Andy.’
‘It’s the middle of the night,’ he replied, ‘What do آپ need?’
‘I was just, uh, going to ask آپ something,’ I stumbled over my words, ‘sorry.’
Now I had to tell him, but I had no idea what to say. I tried to plan out what I would say, but he spoke too fast and I couldn’t think straight.
‘What is it?’ he asked.
The words poured out of me.
‘Ashley I love you, I want to be with you. I’ve wanted to tell آپ for a long time, but I was scared.’
‘I, I would,’ he said. ‘It’s just that I’m with someone. If آپ had told me sooner we could have…’
I hung up so I wouldn’t start crying on the phone. I sobbed into my pillow. Why didn’t I know he was with someone? I got out of بستر and walked to the bathroom. Maybe if I lost weight, maybe then…
ooo
I lie in my bed. My دل was torn. I didn’t know he loved me. I wish he hadn’t told me. I wished I didn’t have to deal with this. But I had to choose. I loved Andy first, but I was in a بستر with someone already. I wrapped my arm around his waist and kissed him. I wouldn’t choose just yet. I کہا no to Andy and I can change my mind any time.
ooo
I heard what Ashley was talking about. I knew he wouldn’t leave me, but I couldn’t help worrying. I couldn’t stand life without him. It was hard enough to keep going even with him. He didn’t know about the scars on my wrists, I never showed anyone. He held me and I felt warm and safe. I drifted off in his arms.
I awoke in the morning still clutched in Ashley’s arms. I hugged him and kissed him gently before getting out of bed. I got dressed and went to eat breakfast. I opened the fridge. I realized there was hardly any food so I made coffee and went outside for some fresh air. The air was cool and there was a breeze. I ran my fingers over my wrists. I wished I had someone there for me. Even Ash wasn’t enough. I loved him; I just needed another person, something more. Why am I here? I asked myself. I’m just a waste of space. I made up my mind to kill myself soon. That’s where I belong, six feet underground with no one there with me. All alone.
Ash might miss me. I went inside and found a piece of paper. I began to write.
I’m sorry I had to go this way. I’ll miss آپ Ash. I hope آپ don’t miss me too much because I want آپ to stay strong without me. It’s not your fault, I promise, آپ didn’t see the signs so I must have hid it well. I don’t care what happens when I’m gone, just be happy. It’ll get better soon, just wait. Don’t forget me please. I will watch آپ and keep آپ محفوظ if I can. I would have told آپ but I was afraid. I know it’s silly. You’ll make it without me, just cry whenever آپ need to, آپ can be with whoever آپ want now. I had a good last few days with you. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’ll kiss آپ before I go. I love you.
