So in the name of Mental Health Awareness Month, I figured and found this one سوالات about DID that I felt like answering a bit of. I will likely post some other things related to mental health over this ماہ ((perhaps a review on Mental Health First Aid Training)), but I decided this was something I wanted to post and share with people to help spread some personal awareness and writing on this kind of poorly covered disorder.
Also, I would like to say, I actually am allowing one of my alters to speak for himself for a hot سیکنڈ since I felt it would be appropriate and useful for the sake of this article. Who knows about your system? Who do آپ want to know? What do آپ feel like it’s like coming out as multiple? Riku:
There are only a limited amount of people who I’ve come out to tell them about this whole mess of a disorder. I’ve told my fiance and my oldest sister, and I guess I’ve told everyone on here, but IRL its really limited. To be honest I don’t even like to genuinely like intimately talk about it outside of talking about it in a factual setting since its honestly rather bizarre and awkward to talk about a lot of the time. Ideally I would like for my mom to know since like… ya know shes really happy I am “getting in touch with my feminine side” but really like… Its not for me and I dont like that idea of it since I don’t really associate with being “feminine”. I suppose a few irl people would also be nice to know but other than that - eh.
As for what it is like to come out at multiple… It is really hard to be honest. Even in professional care it is really hard since it is actually controversial even among the professionals if DID is even a real disorder and most of the time when آپ tell someone, the first thing that comes to mind is تقسیم, الگ کریں یا whatever and that is always such a bad image to represent this disorder off of. Plus I’ve come to find it really is something most people have trouble wrapping their heads around and it is often just not worth the effort to come out with it and just have everyone pretend to be me pretty much most of the time. Plus there is always the concern of people making insensitive jokes about it یا worse, making us doubt that we actually have the disorder یا questioning if our trauma was “really that bad” یا whatever. It's honestly just a really hard topic to talk about with people آپ see regularly since few understand it properly and media has done us a great disservice. What are your thoughts on integration? Do آپ wish to integrate? Riku:
I am for integrating - at least that is what I like to say. I know integration is the “healthy” thing to do and really what I should be aiming at so I can function properly, be less of a bother and مزید consistent and so I can possibly have a decent memory and maybe fix some of my plucking. I know that it is the right way to go, so it is on the فہرست of recovery steps to take, but honestly, if I am being really honest, the concept kind of makes me uncomfortable. So in short, it is a really technical topic for me. They are a lot like a family to me - even if they cause me a lot of issues. I don’t really know how that would go about and if I would like being a single. Lucille:
For me this is a difficult topic. I used to be very strong on the idea of integrating as I felt that it was important and that this is a very unhealthy coping mechanism that feeds into itself. Truthfully speaking, I have issues giving myself credit as an individual personality because of the logical rationality of us being separate counteracting what I know we feel and believe mentally and emotionally. Logically speaking, this is just the original personality wanting to hide from reality and detach from her personal experiences, thus creating us and that سے طرف کی being آگے about your (my) existence, it perpetuates the mechanism. Prior to a specific event, I felt that was what this disorder is and felt we just needed to come to reality and work towards integration sooner than later before it became a larger issue.
Keeping long personal stories short, my ideology and behavior to that ended up with a rather bad breakdown and a rather frightening short ‘awakening’ of the original personality and I realized charging straight into integration is a mistake and bad idea on my part. “We are تقسیم, الگ کریں for a reason” as Aderis liked to say. We are تقسیم, الگ کریں into multiple identities and personalities, each with different memories, emotions, beliefs, tastes, and so on for the purpose of spreading out the trauma and emotional strain that was thrown on us as a child as to keep us relatively sane. Our ability to stay alive is dependent on the fact that our trauma is تقسیم, الگ کریں up and shared amongst different personalities and that Riku and I are مزید یا less trauma free as to allow us to take care and manage a functional normal life despite it all.
I still hold to my belief that we should integrate eventually, but we have a lot of work to do before we can get to that point. First, we would have to lessen the weight of the trauma and process it further until we are at a محفوظ point where we can properly handle the full weight of our trauma. Then, after we have that, we have to properly organize and set out a plan in order to be prepared for the system to take up and adapt to the loss / merging of a member.
I don’t particularly fear ‘disappearing’ as Riku would call it since, in the end, I am just part of her and everyone else in the system. Additionally, as Riku might tell آپ if آپ ask her about it, I had a close friend back in the دن who used to be another alter of mine, but through a lot of our discussions and how frequently the two of us worked together, we became one and she merged into me. She used to be in charge of keeping track of the psyche of the system as a whole and giving advice on how to handle our friend’s mental health and back then I used to only be present to reflect on issues in a detatched logical sense. Back then we faced a lot of issues that overlapped the need for mental health advice and logical detatched advice and it caused her and I to discuss our plans and ideas to one another. Eventually through it all though, it ended up just being me handling both with the knowledge and understanding that she had as well as mine. I am now able to handle both topics and understand both of them in a مزید balanced and capable manner and I can handle issues relating to either with a much مزید whole and general picture.
It is from my own personal experience of what integration is like that makes me look at the topic with a positive light, but I do understand that the system isn’t ready for full integration and I can’t rush myself to be integrated into Riku as neither the system یا herself is ready for me to be integrated. With that in mind, I plan to stick around until my work here is done and unneeded, and when that happens, I will gladly integrate, but until then, I am here to help. How often do آپ switch? How often do آپ lose time? Talk a little about what dissociation is like for you. Riku:
Oh uh… that really really really varies depending on when آپ ask. Sometimes I switch daily, other times its like weekly. I think the longest I went (as of late at least) without switching was like… two weeks of just Riku. And in that case I mean like… a FULL switch, as in not just one co-fronting with me and me being ‘behind’ یا them being ‘behind’ me. Typically, if I were to give an estimate, it would probably be like… once every two یا three days lately. It honestly depends on my mental state, the environment, if we are یا aren’t around my fiance, and if any of my alters are actually interested in fronting یا if something comes up that they really like that forces them to front یا if something happens that I can’t handle but they are specialized in… I would say Lucille typically comes out at least once a week to overlook things and plan for therapy and Aderis… she rarely switches out front anymore. So if we are talking full switches where I - Riku, the host - am not present at all, its probably every few days unless something odd is going on. Typically it only lasts a few hours on سب, سب سے اوپر of that. If we are talking about co-fronting where I am still present but someone else is speaking and making the final decisions on what the body is doing, then that is probably daily یا every other day. How do آپ feel about talking about the trauma which created your condition? Do آپ like to write about it privately یا publicly? Why? Riku:
Ha. No. Pass. آپ guys get enough of the general details. I refuse to go مزید in depth cos I don't even go مزید in depth with my therapist yet. Lucille:
Talking about trauma and decisions surrounding it is not the domain that Riku یا I have over. I don’t hold much direct experience with any of the trauma that we as a singular unit have been through. I do, however, have general knowledge of the various traumatic events that we have experienced and a decent amount of the important and significant details about کہا event, but, as stated earlier, my memory of the experiences are rather indirect.
When it comes to the decision about talking about trauma, I automatically it to what is natural and if Riku can touch upon it easily, then she can talk about it to her دوستوں as she sees fit. A lot of the deeper مزید severe trauma, we often refuse to talk about and will not talk about, sometimes even to our own therapist. When it comes to severe trauma and the experiences that we as a single unit have yet to properly process and understand, we have to run the decision سے طرف کی Aderis who will give the yes یا no and any details surrounding how we should go about addressing it, talking about it, and what we should look out for if we were to talk about it as to know when we are pushing too far. Typically, this rarely is دیا a solid “ok” and thus we typically do not actually talk about most of the rather bad memories.
As for talking about them in general, I am for getting there eventually. At some point to properly recover we do need to find a good محفوظ way to express and work through what we have been through and it is very healthy to be able to talk about the issues. The goal in the end of it all is to be able to share our story publicly and دکھائیں that things can get better for those that are mentally ill, but as of now, it is a work in progress. Also, for those of آپ that are curious, we are planning to start addressing some of the مزید basic trauma with our therapist starting Fall 2019 as we got full agreement from Riku, Aderis, and myself. How did آپ first discover آپ were plural? Was it before, after, یا during diagnosis? Riku:
That is a REALLY long story. To be honest I had IDEAS that I MIGHT have DID like…. Two یا three years before even starting therapy but I thought I just had a really active imagination and created characters cos I thought it was a cool edgy thing and my character development and obsession grew out of hand even though I never planned them یا thought about them یا what not and they all just started talking to me. I just thought I was some edgy faker for the longest time and quite ironically - as I have told Nomy and a few others - Lucille and I frequently had this ironic conversation with one another a lot about how we are glad we don’t have DID and how this is just an overactive imagination and how there is most definitely no alters here at all… while talking to each other as two alters XD To be honest I am still coming to terms with it even after diagnosis since it is kind of hard to believe is a real thing. It comes with the heavy dissociation to be honest. What’s the worst thing you’ve woken up to finding out your alter’s done? What’s the best? Riku:
Worst yikes thats a hell یا two. I think the worst I am willing to publically share (so it isn’t really the absolute worst) would be Aderis back when she thought I was stupid and had 0% cooperation with me and pretty much went off and was a complete کتیا, کتيا emotionally and mentally fucking with and being an پچھواڑے, گدا to my current fiance since she saw him as an annoying threat that isn’t worth our time that needed to get the fuck away from us and out of our lives - which was particularly problematic since he literally was just trying to help and was being a decent good human being. There are a lot of stupid things they’ve کہا as well that I could share but they aren’t as big. Thankfully compared to other systems, my system is kind of lazy and passifistic and generally respect my authority but there are some really problematic moments here and there. The best? I would probably say helped a friend not commit suicide probably - followed سے طرف کی getting me an A on a test I didn’t study for; thank آپ Lucille. To whoever’s fronting; what’s your پسندیدہ item to have around when fronting? Is it yours یا do آپ share with other alters in the system? Riku:
This one will only be interesting if someone else other than me comes around to answer these questions. For me, I just have my usual clothes and computer and phone and what not. Most of the things we own are “mine” but I share them around. So I don’t really have anything that I particularly find to be mine nor a particular پسندیدہ thing to have on me to be honest. I suppose my ہار would probably be the most unique thing that I am attached to, but that ہار doesn’t come off even when I switch so *shrugs* Lucille:
I - unlike Riku - have a few specific items that do belong to me and only me in the system. One of the items that is attached to me that I have contact with regularly is the pocket watch that Riku’s eldest sister got her for Christmas and was دیا to me from Riku and سے طرف کی the system as “my totem” for therapy. It is the item that the system as a whole has selected to “represent” me in the system and is used in therapy as a way of trying to pull me front in order to take part in discussions. Now that I think about it, Riku hasn’t been using us in therapy and that might be partially since I don’t think she has remembered to دکھائیں that she brought them.
Tangents aside, the other main item that is mine is a gift from Riku that she got from me. In the “inner world” as they call it, I wear glasses. Thankfully, unlike some other types of alters, I do not need glasses in the real world when I am fronting. Riku noticed some of my mild complaints about not having glasses when I front and got me a pair of clear sunglasses as it would double to both protect our eyes and give me the feeling as if I still had my glasses. While they don’t look the same as the ones that I actually have, since they are sunglasses and naturally have a different shape, I really appreciate them as it makes me feel a bit مزید at home. They mean a lot to me, and I don’t like that Aderis uses them when she is out since last time she did, she left them smudged and with a hair tangled in the bridge. It was a bit disrespectful if آپ ask me, but it isn’t something I am going to make a big deal out of.
The only other item other than those two that I could mention is a شرٹ, قمیض that Riku bought me, but I have yet to really have the chance to wear it. Who’s an alter you’re interested in knowing مزید about یا befriending? Which alter do آپ know best? Lucille:
I would really like to get to know the original more. I generally know a lot about all the other alters in the system, but she has always been rather hidden from my view and ability to communicate with so I do wish I could get to know her myself and see if there is anything I can do to help her.
The alter I know the best is Riku, سے طرف کی far. She and I function and work with one another quite a lot and I can promise you, I have occasionally گیا کیا پوسٹ on here using Riku’s account before. We have spent a lot of time together working through life and planning our future and how to handle a variety of situations so we have had a lot of time to bond. We are actually rather good at co-fronting a lot of the time and she trusts me and I trust her. She likes to joke about me being her “bro” and “best bud” and she isn’t wrong about that. I feel a bit bad about how hard I tried to push integrating me on her with that in mind. What’s your least پسندیدہ misconception یا common misinformed fact spread abut Dissociative Identity Disorder? Riku:
Honestly there are A LOT of them, but I guess the one that I feel that really gets to me is the normalizing of DID which is the opposite side of the other INCREDIBLY annoying media does which goes around parading us like some kind of superpower یا rare thing that only supernatural things have. Like, that makes DID to look much مزید rare than it is and makes it look like DID is an extremely weird and bizarre thing. ((I really fucking hate تقسیم, الگ کریں and the blatant AND intentional lack of care about the disorder that the director made - if I could just answer تقسیم, الگ کریں here I would. Very few people in the community approve of that movie.))
I mean, in some ways, yes it is weird and bizarre, but its a rather “normal” way the brain adapts to very traumatic and abnormal ways of growing up. It is a bit rare of a disorder going from 0.1-1% of the population, but if آپ multiply that سے طرف کی the 7.7 billion people on the earth, that is still 77 million to 770 million people living with the disorder in the world
BUT I DIGRESS THAT WASN’T THE ONE I WAS MEANT TO GO ON A TANGENT ON. Honestly its مزید of a peeve of me, but a lot of people like to go “Well isn’t that a bit normal? We all have different personalities in a way if آپ think about it” which I understand is in good intention, but it entirely is built on a large missunderstanding that each personality is extremely individualistic in the way they function and act. It isn’t multifaceted یا acting one way in a certain type of environment and another in another. It is a very consistent change that happens detatched from environment and situations and causes a strong disconnect in emotions, beliefs, ideologies, and so on. There is little about each personality / identity that is actually fully connected with a different personality / identity. The level to “normalizing” that is ACTUALLY a problem is how there seems to be this culture that goes out to kind of make DID seem to be a fun and quirky thing to have and people run around claiming to have DID without trauma یا talking about how fun it is to be multiple. Like I am neutral on the idea of endogenic (systems without trauma as the cause) systems and what not. I don’t have a تبصرہ on it, but they aren’t DID and they do need to be treated differently. I dunno, maybe I’m just being an پچھواڑے, گدا to be honest. It just really kinda makes me cringe when people think this disorder is cool and thats why despite how much I talk about it and may make it SOUND fun, there is A LOT of pain and struggle and stress that goes into being in a system. I could make a whole fucking مضمون about why - dissociation, trauma and all that other stuff ignored asside - living as a system is stressful and tiresome.
But anyways, I would probably say the image that DID is “fun” is actually probably the worst since that is just what this ended up going down into. It really isn’t guys. It really isn’t. People say “Oh I wish I had alters that way I could have دوستوں living in my head and I’ll never be lonely” and like… I get not being properly educated یا what not, but its really difficult. What aspect of DID do آپ find most challenging in daily life? Riku:
OH SHET. I really didn’t realize there was a سوال that would let me vent about some of the challenges that come around on a daily with this disorder like god damn it. XD I’m going to keep a few of them to ourselves since there are things I am not allowed to share and things that wouldn’t be fitting for this مضمون about us and the issues we have to deal with, but let me go through some as the host that I find challenging. 1) Memory is horrible.
Like really horrible - I say I have bad memory, but if آپ want to think of how bad it can be, if I switch and one of my alters comes out for say… 15 minutes, and then I switch back, I could remember absolutely nothing of the past 15 منٹ and who knows what the hell whoever was out کہا یا did. Once I was talking to my fiance and I switched to Aderis - who is really kinda fiesty and a bit affectionately mean as a meme sometimes - and was shocked to see in my hand I had a “No fuck you” written on a post it note. It is really hard to keep track of things like this. Life is lived as a republic.
There is no doing things just for yourself. Every single thing آپ do in your life affects someone else who shares the same body and face as you. Binge eat and stay lazy? Don’t care if آپ gain weight? Well sure thats good for you, but just remember that John over there is getting the punishment too and none of the fun. Do آپ want to go have fun and hang out with an old friend? Well sorry, Haley over there is scared of them and is really uncomfortable. Can’t do that either. Gender dysphoria? Well آپ could bind your boobs, but in turn آپ would end up doing damage to boobs that your alter really loves. Actually want to have sex? Wooooah stop right there. آپ might be good with that but آپ are using a body that literally everyone else is uncomfortable with that. Can’t do that. Stay celebate baby.
Its something I personally have been coming too only lately myself since I lived a lot in denial of my system and continued to live like I was the most important one in the system and like I was just a single person who could do whatever I want with the body cause it is my body and my life - but thats the thing with being multiple - dissociation and trauma there یا not. This body isn’t your body and this life isn’t your life. It is EVERYONES body and EVERYONES life. Every little decision آپ make آپ have to take into consideration how it affects everyone who has to share the body and life. For large decisions, آپ have to make agreements that everyone signs یا else someone might end up getting misstreated and hurt. Sometimes آپ have to commit to things آپ otherwise wouldn’t want to do because if آپ don’t one یا multiple of the others that live this life will end up getting hurt. Sometimes آپ can’t do things آپ want to do because it got voted against.
So if آپ take all that into account then consider that each personality can have a variety of severe issues in how they regulate emotions, behaviors, beliefs, depression, and trauma, آپ get a huge mess that آپ have to balance. Some don’t want to work with the others in the system and do their own thing. Some have unchecked personality disorders. Some are extremely suicidal and depressive and آپ have to just keep them at all costs from getting out of hand. In the end, it a chaotic, mentally unhealthy republic trying to figure out how to work properly. Its Twitch Plays Pokemon.
Personally I take a lot of responsibility on trying to keep everyone functioning together and Lucille does a lot to help me with that as I try to be the mediator and “leader” of the system as I am the one out the most and involved with our life and body the most, but it is really hard a lot of the time - especially when I can barely communicate with them half the time unless they front.
Once آپ really get into it, آپ stop being yourself and become “us as a whole” and that is how آپ make it being somewhat functional as a system, but even then it gets really hard. A little bit of an afternote.
Lucille stated that he wouldn't mind explaining further سوالات on DID یا just about his existence یا anything like that, so if آپ want to communicate with him specifically, his نام کا صارف is link
as it is an account I made him a while ago.
He probably will rarely / never post publically, but if آپ like آپ can send him a message there. It may take a while to get a response as he rarely fully fronts, but when he does he often checks it just to be sure since a few of our closer دوستوں do have that account as a place to message him if need be.
A bit of a heads up about him as well, he is a bit of a heavy introvert and a bit lowkey shy so if آپ do message him try not to be too آگے and try to come with a سوال یا topic to start the conversation XD He considers himself a bit awkward as well.