Vampire Diaries Recap: The Ex Games 

“I just spent the day reliving Stefan’s first time. I really don’t feel like talking about my dead mother with my hostage taker.”

If that left-hook of a response from Caroline to Lily doesn’t perfectly sum up Thursday’s

, I don’t know what would. Poor Car spent most of the hour listening to Valerie detail her courtship with Stefan, which proved far more torturous than last week’s literal stab-fest.

Vampire Diaries Mystery: Who Is Caroline’s Future Fiancé?

Here’s what we found out: Not only did Valerie swipe Stefan’s V-card

refer to herself as the “first love of [his] life,” but she was also — wait for it — temporarily pregnant with his child! While I’m in no way happy that Lily’s lover Julian sucker punched Valerie in the baby maker, I am glad that the show isn’t going down the ‘Stefan has a secret child’ road. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Caroline was understandably bummed upon her eventual release from Chez Heretic, but Stefan did his best to calm her nerves. He pulled out every line in the book: “I was just a kid,” “I don’t care about the past” and whatever else vampires say to their girlfriends to convince them they’re not still in love with their hybrid witch exes. But unlike sweet, forgiving Caroline, I’m not buying that the #Stalerie ‘ship has sunk just yet; when the two reconvened this week, you could cut the sexual tension with a damn Traveler Knife.

RELATEDVampire Diaries: Meet Oscar, the Stoner Heretic With a Salvatore Connection

SON OF THE BEACH | Damon, Alaric and Bonnie’s hunt for Lily’s missing heretic led them to Myrtle Beach, where they made fast friends with a delightful stoner named Oscar. (Seriously, folks, wasn’t he

, things turned sour when Oscar realized the gang had an ulterior motive for their visit. From the moment the words “Phoenix Stone” were uttered, the entire visit degenerated into a haze of shouting and shooting and magical-headache inducing, finally ending with Oscar’s life being traded back to Lily in exchange for Elena’s body. (I imagine that’s how Vampire Wall Street would work, were it such a thing.)

CAN EVERYBODY JUST STAY DEAD? | With the Stone still in his possession, Alaric opened up to Bonnie about his plan to revive Jo — a plan that, for obvious reasons, would require a little Bennett-brand elbow grease. As Kat Graham previewed to TVLine, Bon-Bon was “compassionate” in her response, making sure Alaric knows what the hell he’s actually getting them into. (Spoiler alert: Alaric has 

what the hell he’s actually getting them into.)

Of course, Operation: Bring Back Jo might prove to be a total bust anyway, as Lily apparently hopes to use the Phoenix Stone to revive Julian, the filthy dick-bag of a man who killed Stefan and Valerie’s unborn child. Um… I’ll give you 

ALSO… | I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least 

that Bonnie totally saw Damon’s D when he threw off his towel in front of her. That is all.

Drop a comment with your review of the episode below.

This episode was outstanding. Seriously, personally, I’d rank at among their top 10 episodes! It was funny, it was action-packed, it was sexy, there was no over-the-top teen drama (I’m looking at you Elena…), and the Heretics are getting more and more exciting! If they can keep this pace up all season, I’d say the show is finally back to what it was pre-season 4! :-)

Haha. I’m looking at you Elena. I don’t miss her at all and I’m loving this season!

I’m seriously wishing Nina had left sooner. The show seems to be better without Elena. This was probably the least awful episode in years.

I am tired of them talking about her every episode. Please just give us a few without any mention of Elena Gilbert.

I feel like this recap could have at least mentioned the Tyler cameo! Good to see him even for two seconds.

Anyone else thinkin Tyler could be possibly be Caroline’s future fiance???

I honestly liked this one because of Bamon, Oscar and Alaric. They made the show tonight. I still don’t care about SC so Valerie was a nice interruption of them. I wish the baby would’ve survived so Stefan could have a child grown up I know but he would have more family.

It’s hard for me to be invested in the Stefan-Valerie relationship that traces back to 1863 WHEN I’M STILL MOURNING THE LOSS OF THE INCOMPARABLE, ONE AND ONLY MISS KATHERINE PIERCE! Srsly could they not have picked another era in which to situate the Stefan-Valerie flashbacks?? Such a slap in the face for Katherine fans.

Could not agree more! all this retconning is making the show laughable. Honestly is anything true from the earlier seasons Ms. Plec? How many more ways are you going to break Stefan fans hearts? Why are you picking on Stefan why don’t you retcon Damon’s history and leave STEFAN’s alone. You’ve already destroyed enough last season. Enough is enough…like seriously! Maybe you need to hire new writers that can come up with better s/l that don’t have you rewriting the history of this show.

So agree with you both and I absolutely don’t give a f about sterolize or CVS. hmm look at that JP/CD they both remind me of a pharmacy. They are ruining Stefan and making me despise Caroline.

The whole Steroline thing is just so vanilla. I forget that they are romantically involved ALL the time. There is just nothing there. They should have kept them friends.

I mean, I understand it is hard to write around Nina’s characters but seriously! Are we just going to ignore Katherine or Elena existed for anyone but Damon or that stupid diary?

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