#1:
Debbie: RPG's aren't that bad.
(Jon throws "BASICALLY A FACT IN BROAD TERMS" onto screen)
Debbie's Teacher: Spells, poison, battles, maiming, killing?
Debbie: Yeah, but it's all imagination
Debbie's Teacher: IS IT?!
Jon: Is it, Debbie? Well I suggest آپ read a totally real book that has absolutely no poisoning, maiming یا killing and it called the Holy Bible an- (pauses, staring blankly as he raises up the Bible) (whispery).. Oh no... that book-that book done got that.

#2:
Jon: We're here to watch, Howling ll, your sisters a werewolf.
Sister: JON! How could آپ say that about me?!
Jon: Whatever, you're going through puberty, it's normal!

#3:
Penny: Drugs can get آپ in big trouble. آپ can go to principal's office, یا go to jail.
Jon: There's a pretty big jump between those two.
Penny: آپ can't watch TV یا eat pizza.
Jon: I'm out. No pizza? Can't watch TV, can't eat pizza? Go to jail? Can't eat pizza? Won't do 'em.
Penny: Recess is good. Hamsters are good.
Jon: Hamsters are goo...? Hamsters are good? How are..? Penny, you're getting off track.

#4:
Woman: I didn't go around calling myself a farter.
Jon: Well that's probably a good thing, I don't know if آپ wanna go around doing that, calling yourself that.
Woman: In my head, I was a social farter.
Jon: (Puzzled look)
Woman: I only farted occasionally.
Jon: I'm getting uncomfortable, I don't really like this, can we turn this one off?
Woman: And my boyfriend called me out on it.
Jon: And good on him. He's taking it right where it matters.
Woman: I even woke up in the morning craving a fart.
Jon (sarcastically): Nice one guys, sick metaphor. آپ slipped it right in. I can't believe how smart آپ were for writing that.

#5:
Nitro: ARE آپ READY TO RPG?!
Jon (taking out an RPG-7): Oh, motherfucker, I was born ready!
Nitro: Then let's get ready to RPG!!!
Party: RPG! RPG! RPG!
Jon: Well if آپ say so!
(Fires a rocket at Marcie and Debbie)
(Cue a shout of "ALLAHU AKBAR!!!" followed سے طرف کی a building exploding)

#6:
JonTron: Let's celebrate. Yeah! Ugly people never win! That's the moral of the story, guys!

#7:
JonTron: Oh geez. Oh darn it. They got fat.

#8:
Jon: Oh, now that's cool I'm jumpin', I'm jivin'... (Vanilla Ice finally appears) Annnnnd, It's gone! It's gone, It's absolutely gone, it's ruined, unsalvageable...

#9:
When Ice's character sees a pretty girl on a horse, he, for whatever reason decides to jump his motorbike over the fence to greet her, scaring the horse enough to knock her off. Understandably enraged that he nearly killed her, she punches him which Ice respondes سے طرف کی saying ''"what's your problem!?"
Jon: Yeah what's your problem!? آپ acting like I just jumped a fence on a motorcycle making آپ fall off your horse, and nearly break your spine! What are you, some kinda, (draws rectangle with hands) some kinda square?!

#10:
Jon: Agh! I hate it when my computer combusts because my own blood from my blood bag is spilling on my computer AAAAAGHHH! If only there was some way to fix this!
(A hand comes out of nowhere and sloppily slaps flex tape onto the hole)
Jon: Of course! The solution was Flex Tape!

#11:
Jon: FLEX TAPE! Okay, آپ heard about this stuff! I mean, this is basically— have آپ heard of JESUS?! WELL EVEN HE COULDN'T DO AS MUCH AS FLEX TAPE, APPARENTLY!!

#12:
Phil: (grunting with each stab) That's a lotta damage!
Jon: That's a LOTTA DAA MIDGE
Phil: That's a lotta damage!
Jon: That's not that much damage, really, Phil. That's not—it could be worse...

#13:
Jon: Dude, you're number one.
Sergio: No, you're number one.
Jon: No, you're number one.
Sergio: No, you're number one.
Jon (now مزید angry): Dude, آپ are number one!
Sergio: No, آپ are number one!
Jon: MOTHERFUCKER, آپ ARE NUMBER ONE!!!
Sergio: [visibly Corpsing] NO, MOTHERFUCKER, آپ ARE NUMBER ONE!!
Jon: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!

#14:
Jon: But anyways, this ووڈکا, شراب is very special. Mainly because Dan Aykroyd is uh, 100% butt-fuck insane.

#15:
Jon: (ringing a loud bell) Four منٹ and fifty six seconds! That's four منٹ and fifty-six سیکنڈ this man took to say the word ووڈکا, شراب in this commercial about VODKA!

#16:
Gwyneth: This is the shiiiit!
Jon: Don't curse, Gwyneth-(a train horn goes off in the distance) SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don't curse, Gwyneth.

#17:
In video, guy starts fanboying at seeing Elijah Wood on the plane
Jon: Aw dude, (camera zooms into guy اگلے to Elijah) That's a sweet hat!

#18:
Nito (gets disturbingly close to the girls)
Debbie: We're...
Macie: Just leaving:
Jon: Oh hi, Just Leaving, I'm *blows whistle* RAPE!!!

#19:
Ben: That's a fake. That's not my sister.
Jenny: Ben I know those people.
Jon: PROOF!!!

#20:
Vanilla Ice: So what's it like?
Girl: What's what like?
Ice: آپ know, having.. Parents.. Brothers.. All that, stuff.. Y'know?
Jon (dressed as alien): I am simply asking a normal human سوال out of curiosity not to mine data HUMAAAAANNNNNN!!!

#21:
Jon (singing): BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! D&D WILL! GIVE YOU! AAAAAAAIDS! THEN YOU'LL GO TO HELL WITH ALL THE CATHOLICS AND JEWS AND PLAY MAGIC THE GATHERING WITH SATAAAAAAAAAN!!!
(later)
Jon (singing): PLAAAYIN' GAMES WITH AN EVIL WITCH WOMAN "WHO'S DEFINITELY COLLEGE AGE", WAIT, WHY DID THAT GUY JUST BLOW SMOKE OUT OF HIS FACE?! THAT'S WEIRD... When آپ die in the game, آپ die in real life, except ya don't, آپ go back to your dorm and play some GTA V!!

#22:
Dad character: My real name, is Hacket.. James Anthony Hackett, Jimmy.
Jon: Jimbo, Jim-Jar, sometimes down at the pub they'd call me Dan, but my name isn't "Dan". I was once visited سے طرف کی an alien species. They referred to me as [cue incomprehensible distortion]. I've never been able to unhear یا unsee that.

#23:
Jon: We get it, Rareware! آپ used to be cool! Can-can آپ get on with it? STOP!.. STOP IT!.. STOP TAUNTING ME!

#24:
"STOP!!"

#25:
Jon: Cars?.. Cars!?.. CAAAAARS!?
Jon: (scream singing) AND IIIIIIIII!!
Jon: (normal) ہولی SHIT!!
Jon: (scream singing) WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOUU!!
Jon: (normal) CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME!? GODDAMMIT!, HOW CAN آپ DO THIS TO ME!?!?

#26:
Jon: She's sinking! The plot is sinking! Quick, hire the emergency writers! (tosses a bunch of script pages out the window)

#27:
Jon: ...the fuck am I looking at right now? Am I looking at آپ dreaming about being at the ساحل سمندر, بیچ while you're at the FUCKIN' BEACH?!

#28:
Jon: And let me tell ya, that's not the only talking cat I got in this house. And no, سے طرف کی the way, I am not referring to Talking Tom.
(Cut to a picture of Talking Tom and Angela, all with screaming in the background.)

#29:
Phil: Vroom, vroom! Beep '! Beep beep!
Chris: Why do آپ always do that, dad?
Jon: Yeah, dad, every دن with this shit, I'm sittin' here, readin' my book, آپ waltz in the door make a car noise at me, I'm supposed to like it? (Begins putting on a large bib) Well fuck آپ dad, honestly, if it was a choo-choo train noise, maybe I would laugh, but a car noise? What do I look like to you, some sorta big baby?! (Puts a pacifier in his mouth and starts shaking a rattle)

#30:
Bickering ensues among Tina and Trent (the brother and sister in the film).
Jon (Deadpan): What a big happy family we got here.
Susan: Just help me find my shoes, okay? یا I won't feed آپ this week.
Jon: (With additional reverb) What a big happy family we got here.

#31:
After wandering around for the entire movie, Duffy finally makes a contribution to the plot...by immediately getting run over سے طرف کی a car.
Jon: (long moment of horrified silence) ...Well that cat ain't talking no more, I'll tell ya that much.

#32:
In response to Luther, "like a normal person", handing out flyers to everyone in his office that he isn't doing Christmas, Jon wonders who would actually care. Cut to two employees (one played سے طرف کی Jon) getting کہا flyers.
Employee 1 (Jon): I’m letting آپ know I‘ll be, skipping Christmas… (shakes with tranquil fury, crumbles paper)
Employee 2: (calmly, to himself) Go ahead... Run... But we will find you.

#33:
After Luther (rather rudely) explains why he isn't buying a Christmas tree,
Jon: Yeah fuck آپ for trying to celebrate the spirit of christmas while making my life محفوظ warm and convenient!! (slams down christmas tree)
Jon (while pissing on the tree) How's this for a Merry Christmas, آپ bunch a' young innocent children trying to foster a loving community spirit?!

#34:
Luther sees cruise ad, smiles to himself.
Jon (spits) Fuck christmas! I’ll rather drink my own urine than celebrate christmas! (to viewer) Thanks for watching my christmas special everyone, be محفوظ (spits)

#35:
Jon: Okay. One.
Jacques: What even.
Jon: I counted آپ in—
Jacques: Go to fucking hell.

#36:
Judge: آپ weren't happy being the youngest. آپ didn't accuss the way things were, role the clip.
Matt in clip: Reality, who needs it, I hate reality.
17 LIFE SENTENCES
5 LETHAL INJECTIONS
10 DECADES OF FAMILIAL SHAMING
Jon: The moral of this story is "Never think, یا else the secret police might catch آپ and kill آپ no matter what!”

#37:
Matt: Endorse? Endorse what?!
Jon (as Matt): I thought sports were played outdorse.

#38:
Jon: (cheerfully) Oh, Larry. آپ jus- a- st- you're a fucking asshole.

#39:
Game: This takes place Steptember.
Jon: What a relief, it’s not even the scary month.
Game corrects it to October.
Jon (horrified) OH, DAT'S THE ONE!!!

#40:
Girl in game: From now on, what kind of place will we be living in?
Guy in game: That’s the fifth time you['ve] asked!
Jon: Yeah, well, maybe it'd be the last time if آپ just fucking told me!

#41;
Jon: It's Christmas time. A time to spend with friends, family, and of course little baby Jesus over here! How آپ enjoying your birthday, buddy? enjoy it while آپ can, I mean they do some "fucked up" shit to you! Like, they fuck آپ up, dude.

#42:
"What else could ever happen to us, today?”
Jon: Lady, آپ just got turned into a horse! I'm 'onna say sky's the limit!

#43:
"HOW آپ LIVIN' CHICKEN BOY?"
Jon (dressed as a chicken): Well first of all, that insult could've used some work. سیکنڈ of all, the pain and humiliation I feel daily are immense. For someone like آپ to cut someone like me deeper...Well, آپ must have problems yourself buddy, so I feel bad for you. (whips out a nunchuck and begins swinging it around awkwardly) AND HOW FUCKING DARE آپ SAY THAT TO ME I'M GONNA MAKE آپ FOR-REGRET THOSE GODDAMN WORDS!!

#44:
Snow White: This is my song. I am singing it now.
Jon: Aw, sick lyrics, dude! Sick song! (Jon pulls a lighter out of his pocket and starts waving it back and forth)

#45:
Jon in Elsa's dress.
THIS WAS A MISTAAAAAKE!!!

#46:
L.O.G.: In line with Banjo tradition, your challenge will consist of collecting as many pointless objects as possible.
(Record Needle Scratch)
Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! آپ JUST HOLD ON A SECOND!
(cut to a fat Banjo running and picking up coins at a horrendously slow pace)
Jon: HAHAHAHA GET IT? BECAUSE BANJO-KAZOOIE WAS TOTALLY "THIS" TEDIOUS! (cut to black) (Jon's voice far away) HOLY SHIT!!!

#47:
Jon; That's not how that works yo- [distorted voice] آپ fuckers. آپ motherfu- I will rain hellfire upon you.

#48:
Jimmy ends up folding and taking the chance to leave during the town hall, five days in. After he left, that's when Karsh decides to bring out the 20 thousand dollar سونا سٹار, ستارہ that was the prize for the hardest worker.
Jon: What the hell!? Okay, ''now'' he brings it up? Like the second, the literal سیکنڈ Jimmy leaves he's like "alright, now that that loser's gone, who wants to win twenty thousand dollars!?" Jimmy was robbed. I'm just gonna say it, Jimmy was robbed here.

#49:
An airport attendant asks a man to put his pens in a tray before being allowed to pass through.The man responds سے طرف کی saying, "Sure," before stylishly taking out a switchblade and violently stabbing and slashing the attendant.
Jon: Dude, آپ could've just put the pens in the tray, let's be real..

#50:
Jon: Real-life situations were off the fucking charts! Can I say fuck? Can I say fuck on this website? Can I say (long censor beep) cunt (short censor beep) breath?