Song: link



St. Foalis Maressouri, 6 PM.

A crowd of thousands of ponies gathered at the Gateway Arch to experience a comedy دکھائیں that was being filmed live in 4k. The comedian? Tom Foolery.

Crowd: *Clapping, and chanting* Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom!
Tom: *Arrives at a temporary stage under the Gateway Arch*
Crowd: *Cheering, as they continue to clap*
Tom: Thank آپ everypony.
Crowd: *Continuing to cheer and clap*
Tom: Thank آپ very much.
Crowd: *Continuing to cheer and clap*
Tom: And shut up.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: *Looks above him* Wow. St. Foalis. Never thought I'd end up here, but I'm very glad to be performing for you.
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: I was getting really tired of social distancing.
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: I mean what the fuck is so social about it?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It defeats the whole purpose of being social to everypony آپ meet!
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: Hello Clyde, get away from me!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: If you're really nervous about getting close to ponies in general, stay in your house.
Crowd: Right!
Tom: Then grab a stool, and some rope, then set your whole house on fire. After all, there is a rumor that heat can kill the coronavirus.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Let's test that theory, shall we?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And while we're at it, let's test out a few مزید things. How many مزید camera's do آپ think the new I-phone can handle?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: اگلے year's model will probably have 30 of them.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Let's see if we can actually get an electric car to charge faster than 3 hours!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: I am tired of having a nerd with bad eyesight, and bad hygiene coming towards me, and lecturing about how electric cars are better!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I'll begin to listen when آپ can get the battery fully charged as fast as آپ can fill up my car's gasoline tank!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It might come in handy if Tesla considered putting a pantograph on their cars from now on.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Charge the battery while you're driving.
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: If Amtrak can pull it off, آپ can easily do the same for a car.

A train was then heard running in the background.

Tom: *Looks behind him* Well, look at that. Not exactly Amtrak, but close enough.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I've always wanted to perform live standup comedy, but I never thought I'd do it outside. 95% of آپ will agree with me when I say, thank god it's not raining!
Crowd: *Clapping while cheering*
Tom: A lot of ponies are lecturing others to go outside مزید often, but there are some advantages to being inside, especially when you're alone. There's many things we do while we're alone, but not while we're with other ponies.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Here's one of my personal favorites, running around the house with your underwear on your head, and a whole roll of toilet paper strung around the hallways!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Turning on the heat when it's cold.
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: My marefriend gets mad at me for that, because she wants to save money.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Here's another thing we only do when we're alone, reading a book, and pretending that it's a movie. آپ do all the different voices for the characters, and mimic the sound effects.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Playing an app on your cell phone, with the volume on.
Crowd: Yeah! *Cheering*
Tom: No one ever has the volume on when they're near another pony!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: One مزید thing we do when no one else is around, watching porn.
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: Because if you're ever caught سے طرف کی your special somepony, آپ will most likely spend the rest of your life alone.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: آپ know one thing I like to do when I'm alone? Rewatch some episodes of On The Block.
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: Not only do I enjoy comedy, but I also enjoy being an actor. It's the only job where آپ can get away with murder.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: Unless you're Robert Deniro, and the main protagonist is Al Pacino.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Seeing those two together was a lot of fun, but what really surprised me was seeing Pacino as a cop. He's normally the criminal, but I still got a kick out of hearing him talk. There's a reason Bill Hader loves impersonating him.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: *Impersonating Al* Whaddaya shay I buy آپ a cup of coffee?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I wish Al pulled me over, but آپ don't wanna drink too much coffee. Otherwise you'll have enough energy to bounce up to the moon!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And I don't understand what the fascination is with coffee. Equestrians are hooked on this stuff like the British are with tea.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Half of my دوستوں literally need this shit to survive! Do آپ ever feel that way?
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: And supposedly آپ can't stay awake without it. Ever heard of an alarm clock?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's a really fascinating device, set it up at the time آپ want to wake up, and you're awake. No need to drink anything!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: Well. *Scratches the back of his head* I could be wrong there. Your mouth might feel dry, so it does help to drink water.
Crowd: Yeah.
Tom: In fact I'm gonna do that now. *Heads for a water bottle to his left, and takes a sip* If we had this in the cup, a fly would likely be bathing inside.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That's another thing I don't like about this so called pandemic, outside dining. When it's warm, آپ either have to deal with flies, یا too much wind blowing things off your table!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I remember one time I was at Chimney Rock Inn in Ponyville, and the menu kept getting blown off my table. That's when they offer, the digital menu!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: آپ have to use the camera on your cell phone to scan a code, and download the menu. Unless you're out of memory. What do آپ do then?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: آپ have a lot of things on your phone for a reason, آپ can't خارج any of them! *Looks down at his left hoof* Hmm, I can't خارج this video, since I need to put it on Facebook. I can't خارج Facebook since I have to لوڈ اپ some things on there.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Angry Birds is totally out of the question.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: آپ need that to keep yourself from getting depressed, and killing everypony that lectures آپ for not wearing a mask.
Crowd: Yeah!! *Clapping*
Tom: The only mask I like is the movie with Jim Carrey!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I made an exception when I was visiting a Wal-Mart. I found a mask with the state of Neigh Jersey on it, which also features straps آپ can control. Yet everyone I encounter wants to wear those crappy blue surgical masks.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: There's literally no end to seeing these ugly things! Can't we have some variety, and find somepony wearing a different type of mask?!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: Anyway, I bought the mask because it کہا Neigh Jersey on it, since that's the state I live in, but I've always wanted to come to St. Foalis, so just before the دکھائیں started, I bought another mask from another Wal-Mart.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: And this one has the gateway arch on it. It seemed appropriate since I'm currently performing for آپ under the arch.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: I don't know what's worse, this covid pandemic, یا the presidential election.
Crowd: Yeah!!!
Tom: I don't trust either Trump, یا Biden so I'm not going to vote. *Talks like a filly* But Tom, it's important for the economy!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Losing jobs, and spending money on taxes is not good for the economy!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: I don't give a fuck what ponies tell me. I don't trust the president, I don't trust the princess, I don't trust anyone that works for the Equestrian government! Why? Because they want to steal your money, and take away your jobs!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: The fucking princesses don't even do shit! All they do is raise the sun, and the moon. A job that can already be done سے طرف کی itself.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: آپ go to the library, find some کتابیں about space, and everything else around our planet earth, and you'll see that Princess Celestia has assigned herself a mediocre task.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And she did the same thing to her sister, and a purple stranger.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: It's all mediocre, just like this presidential election. Just for once, I'd like to see what would happen if no one, not a single ٹٹو voted for any of the candidates!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Our government would collapse just trying to think of a solution to the crisis!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: آپ know what I imagine? I imagine a special room under the پینٹاگون, گون that no one knows about. Well, almost no one since I'm sharing this with you.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And in that secret room آپ have a stage held exclusively for having other ponies fight each other. If none of the candidates received a single vote, they would have to duke it out in....Sudden death!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Whoever kills the other candidates gets to become president! But it doesn't simply end there, no. I imagine مزید secret rooms with مزید challenging obstacles that have spikes, dynamite, holes filled with crocodiles, balancing boards that اقدام سے طرف کی themselves, and dozens of other challenging obstacles that would make even the toughest drill sergeant cry to their mom in horror!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: ALL SURROUNDED سے طرف کی FIRE!!!!!!!!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: And only then, آپ will become president of the United States of Equestria. But after going through all that crap, I don't think آپ would want to be president anymore.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: Presidential candidates are always a good target for comedians to make fun of, but آپ know what another مقبول target is? Black Lives Matter.
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: Many black ponies are accusing millions of ponies of the Caucasian race, for something only one police officer did in the Midwest!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Who's the racist now آپ assholes?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And do آپ really think that every single Caucasian hates blacks?! When did we time travel back to the 18th Century?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Even the majority of black ponies believe that the Black Lives Matter movement is a waste of time! This group also wants to do something else that's a waste of time. Defund the police departments!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: If آپ do that, that's a surefire way to increase crime! Take all the power away from the police so that they can't protect the innocent victims that get murdered سے طرف کی violent protestors who want rights which they already have!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: All they want is equal rights. But hey...YOU ALREADY GOT 'EM!!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: What's worse is that they not only want to defund the police, they want to kill them. Well guess what BLM? Did آپ know that some black ponies also work for the police?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: This plan is so fucking stupid! They're going to kill other black ponies, just to give themselves extra rights!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And if there's anypony that's not convinced, I suggest آپ stop watching the news, and take a trip to the library.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: No one ever does that anymore. Now they're focused on generic news, and Call Of Duty!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: The only reading ponies do nowadays are when they receive text messages, and e-mails.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That's if they have actual words, and not emojis.
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: Does anyone else feel like we have too many emoji's to keep track of?
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: It first started off as a bunch of yellow faces. Now we have skateboards, skyscrapers, traffic signs, traffic lights, trains, planes, and automobiles.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That was a good movie سے طرف کی the way, but there are also some emojis that are fucked up, and unnecessary. First one being a cat. Why are we so attracted to these things?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's bad enough that we're getting flooded with cat ویڈیوز on social media, we don't need a fucking emoji of one!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Up اگلے is the poop emoji!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's a pile of poop made to look like chocolate کھیر, پکوڑی with a smiley face.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: With the exception of rednecks, no one is interested in looking at their own feces! Let alone, one with a smiley face!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Finally, there's the human hands. Ponies don't even have hands, why are we using them as emoji's?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: The only one I like to use is the middle finger!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Send it to the nincompoops who thought it was a good idea to create...The Emoji Movie.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: These things are so مقبول they had to make a movie about it. And of course being a modern movie, it was only created to follow a trend, and make money. Not to tell a good story like it's supposed to.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I am glad that's not the case with all of the modern movies, but the fact that we've been doing this since 2006 is unacceptable.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: As much as I enjoy being an actor, when I'm not entertaining آپ with jokes.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: I always want to make sure the movie I'm in is good. They're not all comedies, my most حالیہ film, Suicide was actually quite dark. Yet for some reason, comedians feel like it's a great way to improve their career. Correct me if I'm wrong, but being in a dramatic R-rated film will not improve your comedy career.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That's why no one knows who Jim Carrey is anymore.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: His حالیہ role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog was funny, yes, but everypony is too busy focusing on Nintendo to watch a film made سے طرف کی their biggest rival.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: کرن, رے Romano is also in a slump too. Well, actually, he decided to take a break from comedy anyway, but he's the only exception.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: Aside from myself of course. I only do it, because I want to be an actor, as well as a comedian. Richard Pryor pulled it off, I don't see why I can't either.
Crowd: Yah!
Tom: Being an actor can be hard work, but I had one job that was even tougher. آپ probably never heard of this before, because this job is very exclusive to Neigh Jersey. Gas Station Attendant!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Started when I was 18, and thought it would be a lot of fun, آپ know? Young stallions are typically gearheads. They love cars. This seemed like an easy way to make money, while enjoying the variety of cars travelling through my old hometown of Ponyville. *Makes a buzzer sound*
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Doesn't work that way. آپ get a lot of ponies who are in a rush to get overweight سے طرف کی eating ribs, and french fries at Applebees.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: While many others are just looking for an excuse to be a jackass to some random stranger.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And they always seem to make mistakes. Excuse me ma'am. Why did آپ come through the do not enter section?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: *Making a mare's voice* Because you're disrespecful!
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: No one likes being called out on something they did wrong, but آپ have to do your job, and make sure everypony is safe. Safety is always a high priority in Equestrian businesses. That's why we get injuries, and law firms sue them to make big bucks.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Despite the stupidity of customers, the managers are no better. The WaWa I was working at was on the left side of Church Street, while a bank was on the right side. One دن someone decided, hey. Let's اقدام the buildings to the other side of the street.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: All that hard work just to اقدام a gas station to where the bank was, and vice versa.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: آپ could have used the thousands of dollars spent to اقدام those buildings, on something مزید important like, upgrading the equipment. Nope. Too expensive, we need to save money سے طرف کی continuously investing in unreliable equipment!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Now, most of آپ probably don't know this, but we all have several things in common. I'll give آپ an example. We're all here together, in the greatest city in Maressouri.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: I have some even funnier ones. When you're in your car, and آپ stop at a red light. Do آپ ever try to اقدام an extra inch یا two?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: But when آپ see other cars in front of you, you're in no rush to get as close to the other guy as possible. آپ just coast to the red light.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Coast to the red light, then all of a sudden it turns green, and آپ floor it to the entrance to the highway where آپ go even faster!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Do آپ have a conversation with someone about the weather?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That seems to happen everywhere آپ go, and when it rains, your new acquaintance says, it'll be good for the plants.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well we're not plants. We don't want rain. It ruins everything, because now we can't do stuff! We can't go sky diving, we can't ride our bicycles, we can't even go out for a simple walk.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And sometimes, the pegasi fuck with mother nature.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: They اقدام the clouds away from where they're supposed to go, and sabotage everyone else's دن with an unexpected rainstorm.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Have آپ ever noticed that there's no Koreans named Dustin?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And why is it that whenever we go on Netflix, we can't find what we want to watch right away?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: We just look around forever, and say, hey. This looks like a decent flick. Nah, let's keep looking.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And آپ continue your تلاش until آپ find a movie that آپ already own on DVD.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Thank آپ for joining me everypony, but my director is here with my meatball کے, کوفتے کا سُوپ sub, so goodnight. *Runs off the stage*
Crowd: *Clapping, and cheering*
Tom: *Climbs into a black Impala*

The crowd continued to cheer as they saw Tom leaving the gateway arch in a car being driven سے طرف کی his director.

The End

SeanTheHedgehog Productions. Copyright, 2020