1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores آپ یا is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in love with آپ — and آپ are the point of his existence.
2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells آپ to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the love of your life. آپ should stay with him since he will keep آپ محفوظ forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling آپ he will never see آپ again), it is because he loves آپ so much he will suffer just to keep آپ safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your دوستوں and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as آپ keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even مزید romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave آپ always come back.
9. Because they come back, آپ should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though آپ have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, آپ should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy آپ something.
11. آپ should use کہا male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical یا technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while آپ run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what آپ must do.
13. Car theft in the service of love is acceptable.
14. If the boy آپ are in love with causes آپ (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten آپ end up in the hospital, آپ should tell the doctors and your family that آپ “fell down the steps” because آپ are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if آپ sacrifice everything آپ are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills یا emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When writing a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal ذریعہ material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making یا watching a major feature film, آپ should gleefully embrace the 20 منٹ of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. Vampires — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.