What do آپ think about my fanfiction?

I read chapters 1 and 2. Good start! I applaud your creativity and I like the premise of chapter 1.
As an aspiring writer myself, I suggest that آپ put in some descriptions of the surroundings and make your characters do things, اقدام around and be active. Try to balance the dialogue with actions.
Also, sometimes I got confused on who was talking. Use some quick (I said) یا (he said) after the dialogue to make it مزید clear to the reader who is talking.

Again, good work. Keep writing!