Chapter 5
January 10, 1998,
Dad walked inside the house and Grace asked “how did the تلاش for a school for Alanna go?” He sighed as he took off his sunglasses and کہا “I am مزید concerned the paparazzi waiting outside the school all دن just to get a picture of her!!!” She asked “so what’s your plan B?” He کہا “I wanted her to be around kids her age but; I guess homeschooling is the only choice.”

I walked into the room and کہا “hi daddy; am I going to start school soon?” He کہا “not until اگلے سال silly!!!” He looked over at Grace and کہا “even the teachers didn’t treat me like they would any other parent. They treated me like a superstar….think of how they would be if AJ was in their classroom and all just because she is my daughter!!!” Grace کہا “yeah; homeschooling seems like the best fit.”

Dad walked up to me and asked “do آپ want to have school here with me AJ?” I کہا “I want to have classroom though daddy!” He کہا “we’ll set up one in a spare room for آپ and when Prince gets old enough he’ll have school in there too!!” I کہا “okay then.” He asked “where’s my hug?” I pulled away and کہا “I don’t want to!!!” I went into another room and he کہا “I think she’s mad at me!” Grace کہا “she’ll forget about it سے طرف کی the time kindergarten comes; don’t worry about it Michael!!!” He کہا “I tried…I really wanted her to go to a real school!!!”

February 13, 1998,

Today is Prince’s 1st birthday and Dad invited my grandparents over. سے طرف کی the time they arrived I was already going crazy because of all the candy I had eaten. Dad hugged both of them and we all sat down at the table. Dad passed Prince to grandma and she کہا “hi birthday boy!!!” Dad کہا “it was so cute, yesterday he walked for the first time!!!” I kissed grandma on the cheek and she کہا “wow; and AJ will be 4 years old اگلے month!!!” He کہا “that makes me want to cry…4 years old!!!” I hugged him and کہا “I love my daddy!!!” He کہا “I have to give آپ your medicine.” Grandma asked “what does she need medicine for?” He put the pill in my hand and کہا “she has ADHD.” She کہا “oh wow; I can’t believe that and the behavioral issues!!!” He کہا “she is defiantly a handful; but I love her just the way she is!”
I walked over to Prince and کہا “I love آپ brother.” Grandpa asked “are آپ ready to have three kids Mike?” Dad کہا “it probably won’t sink in that there are three of them for a few weeks.” He lit the candles on Prince’s cake and asked “AJ do آپ want to blow out the candles for Prince?” I کہا “yes; because he’s just a baby.”
Afterwards, Dad gave Prince a piece of the cake and he started to eat it. Prince کہا “Dada” and I stood اگلے to his highchair. While dad was trying to take a picture of us Prince smeared his frosting covered hand all over the side of my face. All of us laughed as I jumped back and dad کہا “good thing آپ have really short hair AJ, it will be easy to get it out of your hair!!!” He looked at me as I was about to sneeze and کہا “oh no!!!” I sneezed all over the front of my شرٹ, قمیض and he sarcastically کہا “that’s great….frosting mixed with snot!”


April, 3, 1998,

Dad hand just gotten ہوم after my sister Paris’s birth and was feeding her. I walked up to him and کہا “she’s cute daddy!” He کہا “I know, look at her tiny toes.” I sat down اگلے to him and asked “how come she had blood all over her when آپ brought her home?” He کہا “well; I didn’t want anyone to take a picture of her and sell it for money.” I asked “what was it like when I was born?”
He کہا “I was so happy when I saw آپ for the first time, I started crying! For a newborn baby آپ had a lot of hair. When آپ opened your eyes and I saw that they were the same color as mine it made me so happy.” I asked “who is my mommy?” He paused to think and کہا “you don’t have a mommy.” I کہا “oh, okay.” I walked away and he took a sigh of relief. I think Dad knows that there will come a point where that whole آپ don’t have a mommy thing won’t work anymore and he is going to have to tell me! He stood up and kissed Paris on the forehead.

April, 5, 1998,

I was in my bedroom when Dad yelled “it’s time for رات کے کھانے, شام کا کھانا AJ!” I walked downstairs and sat at the table. He put a plate in front of me and I asked “why did آپ give me potatoes?” He gave Prince a bite from his plate and کہا “because آپ need to eat them.” I کہا “I don’t want too!” He کہا “you’re going to eat that AJ!” I started to wine and asked “why?” He کہا “because I کہا آپ need to!” I gave him an angry look and he کہا “go on…eat.” I pushed the plate away and کہا “I don’t want it daddy!” He took Paris out of Grace’s arms and کہا “I don’t care Alanna, you’re eating those potatoes!” He took the plate and put it back in front of me.

Dad went upstairs to put the babies to بستر while I sat at the میز, جدول staring at the food. Then he sat down اگلے to me and asked “why don’t آپ want them?” I didn’t say anything and he کہا “it tastes just like French fries.” He fed me a bite and کہا “see it isn’t bad!!!” I asked “do I have to eat all of that”?” He کہا “I’ll make a deal with you; three مزید bites and آپ can be finished.” I reluctantly ate my last few bites and he brought over a cookie. I کہا “they did kind of taste like fries!” He smiled and کہا “it’s time for bed, let’s go.”

April, 12, 1998,

Dad had just come downstairs after taking a nap and was surprised that it was calm. He walked into the living room and saw that my face was pale. He asked “Grace; what’s wrong with AJ?” She کہا “I’m not sure!” He picked me up and asked “what’s a matter Alanna?” I looked at him and gave him a hug. Grace کہا “maybe she needs to go to the bathroom!” I shook my head no and he کہا “you have to tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”
Before I had the chance to answer, I threw up all over him. Grace ran to grab some paper towels and Dad started to gag. He took off his شرٹ, قمیض and کہا “it’s okay Alanna; we’ll clean it up!!!” I کہا “daddy I want to take a nap!” He کہا “you have to take a bath first.” I کہا “okay…I don’t feel good!!!” He کہا “I know honey; just go upstairs and wait for me.” I کہا “I want آپ to carry me up there daddy!” He picked me up and took me upstairs. I کہا “I’m sorry that I threw up daddy!” He کہا “don’t be sorry, it’s not a big deal!!!” I asked “then why were آپ going to puke?” He کہا “it’s been a long time since I’ve had to clean that up.”

April 13, 1998,

It was 9 o'clock in the morning and dad came in my room to wake me up. I was still fast asleep when he walked up to my بستر and sat down. My eyes opened and he asked "how do آپ feel? Do آپ still feel sick?" I کہا "yeah; but I don't want to throw up again." He کہا "I know آپ don't, I want آپ to get better soon!" I کہا "I wish آپ would let me eat something because I'm really hungry daddy!" He sighed and کہا "if I give آپ something other than سوپ to eat آپ are going to get sick again." He kissed the سب, سب سے اوپر of my head and walked out of the room.

I sat in my room watching فلمیں and drifting in and out of sleep while dad was downstairs with my brother and sister. Every once in a while he would come up to my room to check on me but, I really started to feel lonely. I must have watched 20 Disney فلمیں over the course of two days. Grace spent most of her time doing laundry and washing dishes. I know that I was sick but I started to feel as if they had forgotten about me and I started to wonder if I would ever get better. I am only four years old and to me two days fell like an eternity!

April 16, 1990

I'm feeling much better than I have been these last few days and I was definitely getting back to my old ways. In a way, I think dad liked having a break from my usual antics. I was up in my room for so long that when I was allowed to come back downstairs it was like someone had pumped me full of sugar because of all the energy I had. Between the two of them; Grace and dad wanted to rip their hair out because of me.

I was sitting on the سوفی, لٹانا just as dad was carrying Prince downstairs after his nap and he put him on the ground اگلے to my pile of Legos. I saw him starting to play with them and I decided that I would play with him too. I started to build a house and all the sudden Prince took the blocks that I was about to use and wouldn't let me have them back. Dad was looking the other way so I hit Prince over the head with one of the large red Legos that I had in my hands. Dad looked over to see what was going on and took the block away from me. He کہا "you know that's not nice, he's just a baby, he doesn't know any better!" I کہا "but I had it first daddy!"

He picked me up and put me back on the couch. He کہا "I'll read آپ a book while Prince plays with the Legos. I کہا "you mean while he plays with my Legos!" He کہا "things aren't just yours anymore آپ have to share with آپ brother and sister when she gets old enough! Don't call things just yours because nothing is just yours anymore!" I کہا "but آپ bought those before Prince was even born so; they are mine if آپ think about it!" He کہا as he sat down "I'm not going to argue with آپ about sharing, that's just how it's going to be and that's that!" I started jumping up and down and accidentally kicked dad in the back of the head. He looked at me and کہا "listen; I realize that you've been up in your room for a long time and that آپ are excited to be out but… آپ need to call down!"

May 22, 1998,

Earlier today dad asked me to come with him somewhere, so we got in the car and one of the bodyguards drove us to a lake. Dad helped me get out of the car and we sat down at the water's edge. I asked "what are we doing here?" He کہا "I know I haven't been able to spend a lot of time with آپ since Paris has been born so, I thought we could just come here and talk for a little while."

I still haven't made the connection between us talking and why going to the lake was so significant. He looked over at me and asked "so how's life?" I کہا "okay I guess, I love my brother and sister but sometimes, I just wish it was me and آپ again. He کہا "you know one thing you'll always have that your brother and sister won't?" I looked at him puzzled and asked "what?" He کہا "you'll always be my first born! The first one I ever fed, the first diaper I ever changed, and the first one I ever send to until they fell asleep." I کہا "I love آپ so much daddy!" He کہا "I'll always love آپ more!"

April 20, 1998,

Today is Easter Sunday and we had already gotten up. I was looking through my Easter basket when dad کہا "I want آپ to go out into the backyard and see what's out there for you!" I walked up to the sliding glass door and couldn't believe what I was looking at. There was a giant blowup bouncy قلعہ held up سے طرف کی stakes in the ground. I looked up at him and کہا "that's so cool! Can I go jump in it?" He opened up the door and کہا "go-ahead!"

I ran outside and climbed inside the bouncy Castle. There were pink, blue, and yellow plastic Easter eggs scattered all over. I started to open them up and every once in a while I would come across an egg with quarters یا one dollar bills inside them instead of pieces of candy.

While I was jumping around inside the bouncy house dad walked up to the doorway and took his shoes off. He asked "do آپ mind if I come in?" I کہا "come on daddy!!!" He climbed in and took off his fedora hat. I کہا "hey; your socks don't match." He کہا "yeah I know, I did that on purpose!" There was a باسکٹ, باسکٹ بال hoop hanging on the دیوار and dad tossed foam basketballs into it. He picked me up and asked "do آپ want to slamdunk one of them?" I کہا "of course I do… That's awesome!" After I threw the ball in I hung on to the hoop suspended in midair for a few seconds.

May 1, 1998,

Ever since Prince has been able to walk he has been getting on my nerves. Before then I didn't have to worry about sharing any of my toys with anyone but; now Prince is always getting into everything. I try to be as patient as possible with him but after a while of him taking toys away from me I start to get irritated. Unfortunately every time I start to get mad dad shows up at the wrong time, which of course makes me look bad.

I was in the play room with Prince watching a movie and playing with my action figures. Prince wanted to grab one of them and that just so happened to be my پسندیدہ one. I کہا "here Prince آپ play with this one instead!" I passed it to him and he threw it across the room. He insisted on having the one that I was playing with but I refuse to give it to him and that's when dad showed up. Dad asked as he knelt down to my level "why aren't آپ sharing with him?" I کہا "I was trying to buy a he didn't want to use any of them besides the one I was playing with already!" He looked down at the Batman figure I was holding and کہا "if آپ let him play with it for a little while آپ can have it back because he has to take a nap soon!"

After he had brought Prince upstairs to take a nap, he came back down and sat in the living room with me. He کہا "listen I know آپ don't like to share with Prince but, he's still a baby and he just wants to be like آپ because you're the older sister!" I کہا "but he doesn't know anything about سٹار, ستارہ Wars, Batman, and Spiderman because he's too little so; I can't really play action figures with him." He کہا "yeah but آپ could teach him about all that stuff! That's the cool thing about having a little brother. I asked "can I watch the سٹار, ستارہ Wars, Batman, and Spiderman فلمیں with him?" He کہا "maybe اگلے year; I think he's too young right now… It might scare him." I asked "you mean the bad guys, like the Joker?" He کہا "yeah; آپ used to be scared of him too!"


May 6, 1998,

I went looking for dad because I couldn't find him. Grace was busy trying to get Prince to go to sleep and trying to make sure that he didn't wake up Paris. First I ended up checking in dad's bedroom to see if he was watching TV but; he wasn't in there. Then it dawned on me check the recording studio that dad had installed on the ranch. I normally wasn't allowed to go down there without asking but, I really missed him and wanted to see him.

I walked down the paved pathway and into the recording studio. I knocked on the door before I walked in and he told me that it was okay to come in. I sat down on a swivel office chair and he asked "what's up AJ?" I کہا "I'm really bored; I want something to do!" He کہا "well; آپ could clean your room, like I have been asking آپ to do for weeks now!" I کہا "I have too many toys and my room is too big! I can’t clean all that up سے طرف کی myself!" Dad asked "so you're going to leave me to clean up your mess, like آپ always do?" I didn't answer him but I think he knew asking me to clean my room was almost like mission impossible because of my oppositional defiance disorder and ADHD!"

I asked while trying to change the subject "what are آپ doing in here anyways?" He کہا "I'm working on some new music." I got up from the chair that I was sitting in and went over to the soundboard. I was about to touch one of the buttons when he کہا "oh no آپ don't want to touch that because it could mess up all the work I've been doing!" I کہا "I hope it'll be a while before the CD comes out because I want آپ to stay ہوم for a long time and not go anywhere!" He کہا "don't worry; I don't have any plans of going anywhere soon!"

About 20 منٹ later; Grace frantically swung the door open and کہا "there آپ are… I've been looking everywhere for آپ AJ, آپ should've told me آپ were going to come down here! I had no idea where آپ were!" Dad looked at me disappointed and کہا "this is a big place; آپ could've gotten lost! آپ need to tell us before آپ go anywhere! I want آپ to go to your room and think about what you've done!" As I walked away with my head slumped down dad کہا "I'm sorry Grace, I had no idea she didn't ask آپ to come down here!" She کہا "it's all right; I figured آپ didn't know. I came downstairs and was going to make her lunch but, I couldn't find her anywhere! She has never gone anywhere without asking for permission and none of the other staff members had seen her! I was only upstairs for about 15 منٹ before she disappeared! That really scared me; this place is really big she could have been anywhere. I could of been searching for hours and still not have found her!" He nodded his head and کہا "next time I'll make sure that آپ know where she is!"

June 7, 1998,

Dad was sitting in his study reading a book when there is a knock at the door. He looked through the peephole in the door and was shocked to see Joseph standing on the other side. He slowly opened the door and asked "why are آپ here? I didn't invite you!" He کہا "I thought I would come to visit آپ guys because I haven't seen آپ in a while!" Dad reluctantly let him inside and they sat at the breakfast table. I didn't know that my grandfather was here and ran up to dad to ask him a question.

I remember Joseph looking down at my short haircut and saying "why is she dressed like a boy Michael?" I looked up at him and dad کہا "she's a tomboy; that's what she likes to wear! آپ don't have a problem with that do you? I asked "can I please have something to eat?" He کہا "in a little while okay? Dinners going to be ready soon and I don't want آپ to ruin your appetite." I ran off to play in the other room and Joseph کہا something that I'll never forget! He asked "she's the bad one; right?" Dad got very defensive and کہا "first of all she not a bad kid, سیکنڈ of all… Don't آپ ever talk that way my one of my children again!"

Joseph got up from his chair and arrogantly asked "why; what are آپ going to do about it Michael? You're the one setting your kid up to be gay!" Dad bit his lip and کہا "just because she likes boy’s things and dresses like a boy; doesn't mean she's going to end up being gay and even if she was… I would be supportive, I will be there for her and I would love her for who she is! آپ shouldn't be talking about being able to love your kids because all آپ ever did my entire childhood was use me for money and work me until I couldn't handle it anymore!" Joseph کہا "I was a good father to you, if it wasn't for me آپ wouldn't be where آپ are today! If آپ ask me; all that kid of yours needs is a good beating just like I used to give you. If she was my kid I would have put her in her place a long time ago! Instead آپ raise her to be out of control and spoiled! She's going to end up just like you… an ungrateful child!"

I looked around the corner and all of the sudden dad had punched Joseph as hard as possible he could; knocking him to the ground! I knew he had punched him hard because آپ could hear the sound of dad's fist hit Joseph's face! The look on Joseph's face was priceless. I don't think he could comprehend how hard dad had actually hit him. I didn't even think dad had that in him. I know dad wouldn't have done that if it hadn't had anything to do with one of us!

Then dad looked down at Joseph and کہا "I'll be proud if my kids end up like me because I'm a good person and I put people before myself. As for any of my children turning out spoiled; I teach them that money is not important! I teach them to love people, for who they are, not what they have یا what they could take from them! I know AJ may not be the most well behaved kid out there but; I will love her for who she is and I will never stop loving her because she's my child and آپ should love your children unconditionally no matter what they do! I don't have to nor will I ever lay one single finger on any of my children other than in a loving way! I don't ever want any of my children to be scared of me in any way because I know exactly how it feels to be scared of your father… And get the hell out of my house before I دکھائیں آپ what a real beating feels like!"

I was so surprised see this side of my father; he is a lover not a fighter. All I thought about him in that moment was that he was a real-life Superman and I'll never forget that! I don't think dad ever knew that I saw him مککا, عجیب الخلقت Joseph. If he knew that I was standing right there I know he wouldn't have done it!

June, 30, 1998
Today's been a good day; I haven't gotten in trouble once. These days are few and far between but, as آپ can imagine dad is relieved! It shocked him this morning because he didn't have to wake me up this morning like he normally does! Even though I'm four years old I like to sleep in and if someone wakes me up before I'm ready it throws off my whole day!

I was outside near all the amusement park rides and dad was fixing the laces on Prince's shoes. Dad کہا "come here Alanna please." I walked over to him and he کہا "I can't believe how good آپ are being today! Do آپ want to go swimming?" I کہا "no; I wish we to go to the movie theater!" Dad کہا "will have to make a plan اگلے week to go see a movie. I asked "why can't we go now?" He کہا "because if we leave now all the شائقین will block the streets and it will be dangerous. I don't want آپ to get hurt!" I کہا "I just want to do something fun!" He کہا "we can do something fun; we just have to do it here… at least for now. I'm really sorry; I wish it was that easy to go out but; آپ could always go to the فلمیں with Grace!"

My father's famous and that has always been hard on me. There are مزید days when I just wish that I could go out in public with him without wearing a mask! I think after I turned four years old I started to realize that even though he tries his best, we don't have a normal life and we'll never have normal life! I know it's not his fault so I never complain about it but; I always wonder what it would be like if he wasn't Michael Jackson the superstar! Don't get me wrong; I love my life, sometimes I just wish he wasn't as مقبول as he is! Even if he was still a superstar, we could still somewhat enjoy doing things that most parents do with their children! I do love my life though because let's face it; what kids wouldn't want a zoo in their backyard?

September 5, 1998,

I woke up this morning and dad was in my room. He asked "are آپ excited because tomorrow is your first دن of school?" I کہا "yeah; I still kind of wish that I could go to school with other kids instead of staying home!" He picked me up and کہا "I know that but; it safer if آپ stay home. It will be fun; I promise آپ that!" He put me down and کہا "I got آپ something; hanging on it me go get it in my room."

He came back and passed me a plastic bag. He کہا "go-ahead; open it!" I looked inside and pulled out a Spiderman backpack. I کہا "this is the one that we saw at the store that I asked آپ for!" I opened it up and inside was a whole bunch of notebooks, with a pencil case and folders. I hugged him and کہا "thank آپ so much!" He کہا "you're welcome; does that help makes the idea of school here at the house a little مزید fun?" I کہا "just a little bit, but it is cool!"


September 6, 1998

The teacher that dad hired to homeschool me showed up a few hours پہلے and she was testing me on different skills. Then she opened the door and told me that we were finished. She looked at dad shocked and کہا "I can't believe it; that's so unreal!" He looked at her and کہا "why; what happened?" She کہا "I know that you've been teaching her to read early; but I didn't expect that! I passed her a book that she'd never read before and she tested at a سیکنڈ grade reading level! In my opinion; she is actually better than most سیکنڈ graders!" Dad کہا "I knew she could read but; I didn't think she could read کتابیں made for an eight-year-old! She's only a few months away from being five… That's crazy!"

I looked up at dad and asked "did I do good?" He smiled and کہا "better than good!" The tutor's name is Mary and she کہا "I guess I'm going to have to buy some bigger کتابیں for her to read! I didn't come as prepared as I thought I did!" Dad کہا "I guess having her sound all those words out when I would read her book paid off! How did the other tests turn out?" She کہا "she is average when it comes to math and I was surprised to see that she knew the names of all the planets. She doesn't know which name belongs to which planet but half the time I don't even remember myself!" Dad looked stunned and کہا "I knew she was advanced for her age but; I didn't know she was that far ahead!" She کہا "I think it would be better if she did this thing called "self-taught teaching" because she can read so well!" He asked "what's that?" She کہا "basically; آپ give her one of these workbooks and she fills them out سے طرف کی herself. It will help her learn the information better if someone isn't teaching it to her because she's teaching it to herself!" He asked "so are آپ telling me that in all reality she doesn't technically need a teacher?" She shook her head yes and کہا "just as long as there's someone here to help her if she has a question. I really don't think she needs me here; plus with her ADHD it will help her learn to focus!" He کہا "well; okay then, I guess I'll call آپ when my other two kids are old enough for school!"

After Mary had left dad looked down at me and کہا "you're such a smarty-pants! I have to go find out where to get those workbooks from?"