Chapter 16,
January 2, 2009,
I was lying in my بستر with Carter in his پالنے, پالنا on the other side of my large bedroom. Dad came in and کہا as he walked over to pick up Carter because he was crying "AJ; آپ need to get up." I put a تکیا over my head and rolled over. He کہا "you need to get up!" I complained "Carter kept me up all night long every گھنٹہ and a half! I'm tired; can it be your turn?" He کہا "no, no, no, that's not how it works! I told آپ that if آپ wanted to raise Carter as your child then it's your responsibility to take care of him; not mine! I understand that you're tired but; so am I. I have 12 گھنٹہ work days at rehearsals for the new tour!"
I moaned "I love my بستر and I'm not moving!" Dad grabbed my foot that was sticking out from underneath the covers and gently pulled me out of bed. I got up and کہا with an irritated tone in my voice "all I'm asking for is one half-hour sleep!" Dad کہا "yeah well; that's tough for آپ because you're not going to get it. I've got to go to rehearsals. Oh and سے طرف کی the way, Grace and I got into an argument last night so; I don't know if she will be coming back. That means you're going to have to watch Carter, Blanket, Prince, and Paris until I get home. Don't worry; I cut my دن short so I should be ہوم at about 4 o'clock and I will bring ہوم something to eat." I کہا "you've got to be kidding me dad! I don't want to watch all of them! I already have my hands full with Carter as it is!" Dad کہا "I don't want to hear it AJ. You're watching them and that's that! I'm not doing it on purpose; I don't really have another choice! I کہا sarcastically "I don't know; maybe آپ could stay home!" He کہا "I can't afford to miss too many days AJ. آپ make it seem like it's going to be too much for آپ to handle. Prince is 11 and Paris is 10 so; it's not like آپ have to entertain them. As for Blanket, آپ can set him up with TV shows!" I کہا "fine, but only because آپ have no other choice!" He hugged me and کہا "thank you; I appreciate it, just don't burn the house down!"
January 7, 2009,
I was making Carter a bottle while dad put dishes in the dishwasher. He looked over and کہا "make sure آپ measure that out correctly AJ.” I looked at him with an irritated expression on my face and کہا "I know dad! I'm not stupid!" Dad کہا "I was just making sure; there's no reason for the attitude." I کہا "whatever!" I stormed out of the room and sat on the couch.
As I was about to burp Carter, dad came in and sat down اگلے to me. He کہا "don't be afraid to be a little bit forceful just as long as you're not too rough!" I looked over at him as I rolled my eyes and کہا "I know dad!" He کہا "I'm just trying to be helpful; that's all." I کہا "well; you're not being very helpful and you're actually starting to piss me off!" He asked "was that language really necessary Alanna?" I replied "um yeah actually it was because آپ won't have any faith in me when it comes to taking care of Carter!" He کہا "I do trust you; it's not easy for me to trust آپ but, I do." I asked "why would it be hard for آپ trust me?" Dad کہا "seriously; I can't believe you're asking me that! Every other thing آپ tell me is a lie and آپ walk around here like آپ don't care about what I have to say!" I کہا "okay; go ahead and play the victim again because that way آپ know you'll win!"
I brought Carter upstairs to finish feeding him because the tension between dad and I was filling the air. A few منٹ later, dad came upstairs and walked into my room. He sat down on my بستر and کہا "you have to understand that the fact that you’re a mother hasn't fully sunk in yet and you're not even 15 yet! آپ still have a lot to learn!” I کہا "I came up here for a reason; I need to be away from آپ right now!" He کہا "I love آپ AJ!" I whispered "I love آپ too" and he کہا "I love آپ more!"
March 19, 2009,
I got my drivers permit a couple of days پہلے and have been badgering dad to take me out for my first test drive. The two of us were standing in the باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ and I begged "come on dad! Please take me out and teach me how to drive! Now is the perfect time because Grace is back and she can watch the kids while we're gone!" He grabbed his car keys and کہا "I'm not looking آگے to this! Let's get this over with!" I کہا "thank you, thank you, thank you!" He کہا "Grace we'll be back in about an hour." Prince asked "is AJ going to learn how to drive daddy? Can I come?" Paris کہا "if Prince is going then I want to go too!" Grace کہا "neither of آپ can go because آپ are too young to be in the car with someone with a learners permit!" Prince and Paris looked at her in disappointment as the two of us got ready to leave. Grace کہا "good luck آپ guys! I can't wait to hear all about it when آپ get back." Dad کہا "thanks; I think we're going to need it!"
We went out to the car and I was ready to open up the driver’s side door when dad کہا "you're not driving just yet; hold your horses!" I asked disappointed "why?" He کہا as we got into our seats "because I'm not taking آپ out on the road until آپ know what you're doing! I'm taking آپ to an empty parking lot! We can use the Staples Center parking lot because it's closed today.
Once we arrived at the Staples Center parking lot, he parked the car and we switch seats with each other. I could tell that he was already nervous and I hadn't even started the car yet. After I buckled my seatbelt, I turned the key in the ignition and the motor started. I was overly eager and dad کہا “wait, let me دکھائیں آپ what's what here! This is your gas pedal, this is the break! I suggest that آپ don't tend to get them mixed up." I honked the horn and he کہا "are آپ listening to me? This is important! آپ need to understand this یا else I'm not going to let آپ drive! Now دکھائیں me which ones the gas and which one is the break." I showed him and he tried to stall for as long as possible because he was really freaked out.
After 15 minutes, I finally کہا "come on dad; I don't want to just sit here all دن with the car running and stay in the same exact spot!" Dad کہا as he let out a deep sigh "alright; but go slow!" I lightly pressed my foot down on the gas pedal and we started moving forward. I کہا under my breath "oh my God; I can't believe I'm actually driving your car!" We slowly crept up on a giant cement yellow pole and dad کہا "turn, turn, turn, turn AJ! Oh my God please turn AJ!" He squinted his eyes bracing for impact and I turned easily without any problems. I looked over at him and asked "what are آپ so scared of dad? I'm doing fine and you're stressing over nothing!" He کہا "this isn't nothing AJ! I don't want آپ to get hurt!" I laughed as I looked around and asked "how the heck do آپ expect me to get hurt in a giant empty parking lot with no other cars and not to mention that that pole was the only thing I could have possibly hit! I can understand why you'd be like this if we were on the road with a bunch of other cars but; come on!"
He opened his eyes and asked "did آپ crash?" I asked "does it look like I crashed dad?" He looked around to see that the both of us were perfectly fine and took a deep breath. I asked "can I go a little bit faster than a turtle?" He کہا "fine; I can't hold آپ back forever!" I cranked up to speed a little bit faster and dad کہا after about 20 منٹ of driving "okay; I think that's enough driving for آپ today! I'll take آپ out every couple of days for about an گھنٹہ until I feel you're ready to drive on the road. I know I gave آپ a hard time but; it's only because I'm worried! آپ did pretty well for someone who's never driven before!"
March 23, 2009,
There was a knock at the front door of our Los Angeles rental house and I answered it with Carter in my arms. A gorgeous, tall, African-American woman was standing on the other side and I asked "can I help you?" She کہا "hi; my name is Kyi Chase and your father hired me as the new chef here." I کہا "oh yeah; I forgot that today was your first day! Come on in and I'll go get my dad for you!"
While I went to go find dad, Kyi found her way to the باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ and sat down on a barstool. Soon after, dad, Prince, Paris, Blanket, and I walked in and Kyi کہا "it's nice to finally meet آپ Michael!" We each introduced ourselves and she asked "when did آپ have another baby Michael?" I کہا "oh no; he is not his! This is Carter and he is my son. Just don't say anything to anyone else because we want to keep me being a teenage mother a secret for as long as possible!" She shook her head in agreement and کہا "I completely understand! I won't say anything!"
Dad کہا as he sat down اگلے to Kyi "during the week the children and I eat very healthy but; on Saturdays all of us eat anything and everything we want to!" She کہا "that sounds good to me! I have a lot of healthy food meal plans!" Their conversation was interrupted سے طرف کی a gurgling sound and she کہا "well; آپ kids must be really hungry!" I looked down at Carter and کہا "that wasn't us! Seriously Carter; I can't believe I have to change آپ again!" I went upstairs while the rest of them talked about what food they would like to have made for them.
March 27, 2009,
We were all setting the میز, جدول when Kyi brought out a giant bowl of chicken Alfredo. As I was filling my plate, I looked over and saw dad's eyes quickly scan Kyi's amazing figure. I looked at him with a mischievous look on my face and asked "were آپ checking her out dad?" He looked down and started blushing. I started laughing and کہا "you didn't think I was going to catch on to that!" He کہا "I forget that آپ had a boyfriend sometimes and آپ pick up on that kind of stuff."
April 6, 2009,
I was up in my room when I heard dad's shoes squeaking on the floor. He came in and without saying anything dropped a piece of paper down in front of me. I knew exactly what it was and he asked "did آپ think I wasn't going to find out that آپ haven't been doing your schoolwork since the baby was born?" I کہا "you know it's not easy for me to juggle being a mom at 15 and doing my schoolwork!" He کہا "that doesn't mean that آپ don't have to do any of your work; that's no excuse!" I کہا "I'm actually thinking of dropping out soon!" He کہا "no you're not! Not on my watch!" I asked "do آپ know how hard it is to be me? No آپ don't; so آپ don't have a lot of room to talk dad!" He کہا "yes I do because I'm your dad and I have the right to tell آپ that you're staying in school!" I کہا under my breath as he walked away "we'll see about that." He کہا "you have less than four years the; just get it over with!"
April 11, 2009,
I was sitting with Carter on the سوفی, لٹانا اگلے to dad when the doorbell rang. Dad got up to answer it and I heard him say "it's nice that آپ guys came all the way down here to see AJ but; she can't hang out with آپ because she's taking care of Carter." I began to get curious and went to go see who was at the door. I couldn't believe it! Sketch, Brandon, and Colton were standing at the front steps. Before dad could stop me, I grabbed my جیکٹ and dashed out the door after passing Carter to him. I hopped in the car that the guys had rented. As we sped out of the driveway, I heard dad yell "Alanna آپ better get back here!"
Once we were far enough away, I looked at them and asked "what are آپ guys doing here?" Colton کہا "Kate gave us money to come down here and get آپ out of the house for a while because you've been in there with the baby for a long time! آپ do realize that you're probably not going to hear the end of it from your dad when آپ get back; right?" I کہا "I'm used to it; I don't care! If he's not complaining about one thing about me it'll be something else! What did آپ have in mind for tonight?" Sketch showed me what appeared to be an amazingly realistic fake ID and asked "how does drinking your first few beers sound to you?” I knew it wasn't the right thing to do but; آپ know how I am so I کہا "sounds good to me!"
After we had gotten the alcohol with the fake ID, we went to the park and sat down in the grass! I popped the lid off of my بیئر bottle and took my first sip. I definitely didn't like the taste but; Brandon کہا "trust me; it will be worth it!" I کہا "it better be!"
When I had finished my third drink I was definitely feeling what they were talking about and the guys were laughing at how I was acting! We started doing some really stupid things that I can't really remember because I was so drunk. We each ended up drinking an eight pack of our own. Luckily, one of the guys was able to drive me ہوم without getting into an accident and dad had gone to بستر سے طرف کی the time I stumbled up the stairs to my room.
April 12, 2009,
When I woke up this morning I had the worst headache ever! I didn't remember anything from last night but; I did catch a glimpse of a few half full بیئر bottles in my room. I don't know why; but I didn't try to hide them! I was still kind of out of it and I fell back asleep.
Five منٹ later, dad walked in my room and tapped my shoulder. I moaned "what?" He کہا "it's time to get up!" I sat up and rubbed my eyes. That's when he noticed the بیئر bottles in my room. His eyes widened and he asked with a whispered tone "did آپ drink last night?" I کہا "yup!" He کہا as he sat down اگلے to me on my بستر "you say that like it's no big deal AJ! You're 15 years old and آپ shouldn't be drinking!!" I کہا "whatever dad." He کہا raising his voice a little bit "no it's not whatever Alanna! سے طرف کی the way, I know that آپ just got ہوم an گھنٹہ پہلے because I heard the front door shut! آپ look absolutely ridiculous right now!!!"
His voice cracked as he started to cry and he کہا "LOOK AT YOURSELF! Your hair is sticking up all over the place! You've got گھاس stains all over your clothes! آپ smell like a brewery! Let alone the fact THAT YOU'RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS!" I mumbled slurring my words "I'm not that drunk!" Tears flowed from his eyes and he asked "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU? WHERE IS MY LITTLE TOMBOY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO آپ ARE ANYMORE!" I fell over in a drunken stupor and he just started bawling his eyes out as he fell to his knees. He crawled اگلے to me and dragged me onto his lap.
I had fallen fast asleep and he just kept crying and rocking me back and forth as if I was a newborn baby. He cried uncontrollably as he کہا "it's okay; it's okay! Daddy's going to protect آپ from the dark side of the world! I didn't want this for you! آپ deserve so much better! I need to save آپ from yourself!"
Grace came into the room to see what all the commotion was and asked as she knelt down اگلے to him "what's wrong Michael?" He کہا "Alanna came ہوم about an گھنٹہ پہلے and she is drunk! Grace I don't know what to do! That's the worst thing she's ever done! I didn't think she would do something that stupid! Now that she knows what it feels like; I'm afraid that she won't stop! آپ know how she is! She does what she wants when she wants to! What's she going to do when she's out in the world without me to protect her?" Grace didn't have anything to say because she was just as terrified as he is. He کہا as he looked at her with his eyes bloodshot from crying so hard and کہا "that scares the hell out of me! I don't know what I'm going to do with her! I've tried and tried to دکھائیں her the right things in life… She just doesn't listen! SHE'S TEARING ME APART! I'm trying so hard but; what مزید can I do?"
At this point, Grace had started crying and dad کہا "I have to put her on the right track before it's too late! She's drinking, a teenage mother, swears like a sailor, and sneaks out of the house. What's next; jail? I have to say that it wouldn't surprise me!" What she doesn't realize is that the real world isn't like it is this me!" Grace asked "what are we going to do? I can't stop her if she decides she's going to just up and leave!!!" He کہا as he picked me up and put me in بستر "I guess I have no choice but to bring her with me when I go to rehearsals." He kissed my forehead moving my blonde hair out of the way and کہا "I want آپ to be everything that آپ can be! I hate the person you're becoming and I'll do everything in my power to stop that!" He then lay down اگلے to me in my بستر and fell asleep.
June 24, 2009,
Dad and I were leaving the Staples center after his rehearsals ended at 9 o'clock. سے طرف کی now, dad had started letting me learn how to drive on the road so; I got into the drivers نشست while she sat in the passenger's seat. Before we had even gotten onto the road he was already being critical of my driving. He کہا "watch out for that car AJ!" I کہا as I put the blinker on "I can see dad! I was already way ahead of you!" He کہا after the stop light turned green "don't keep your foot so heavy on the gas pedal AJ; the speed here is 35! How fast are آپ going?" I کہا with an annoyed tone in my voice "34 dad! Will آپ please chill out?" He کہا "I can't because I don't trust you!" I rolled my eyes and کہا "oh there آپ go again with the whole 'I don't trust you’ thing!" He کہا "pay attention to what you're doing! آپ just ran that stop sign!" I کہا arrogantly "um… No I didn't!" He کہا "don't tell me آپ didn't because I just saw آپ with my own two eyes! آپ know what; pull the car over on the side of the road! I asked "what; why?"
I pulled the car over and he کہا "get in the back seat; you're done!" I snarled my upper lip with rage as I climbed into the back نشست and he into the drivers. He کہا as he looked at me in the rearview mirror "you need to quit it with the attitude! What's the deal AJ?" I کہا "you're being way too strict with me and I can't take it much longer!" He کہا "I wish I didn't have to be so strict آپ but; آپ don't listen to me at all anymore!" I کہا "you are over exaggerating!" He asked "oh really? When was the last time آپ made your bed?" I of course didn't answer him because then I would have to own up to it.
He started crying and I کہا frustrated "oh my God; I can't believe you're crying again! If آپ think that going to make me feel bad you're wasting your time!" He shook his head in disbelief and کہا "I didn't raise آپ like this! I want آپ to be like آپ used to be! When آپ were somewhat well behaved; instead of absolutely out-of-control!" I shouted "YOU NEED TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT I'M NOT THAT LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD ANYMORE! I DON'T NEED آپ ANYMORE!"
We pulled into the driveway and he کہا "go upstairs to your room! You're on punishment until further notice!" I slammed the car door and stormed inside. Grace کہا "hi آپ two; how was your day?" I کہا as I raced up the stairs with dad following me "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" He looked at Grace and کہا "that right there is how our دن was!" He took Carter from her and کہا "I guess I'll be watching him tonight again!"
After he had gotten the baby asleep, he stood in his bedroom doorway and I stood in mine. He calmly asked with tears in his eyes "are آپ going to apologize?" I کہا "no" and slammed my door. Grace had seen everything that just happened and looked at my dad in shock as tears streamed down his face. She ran over to hug him and he asked "why does she do this to me? If only she knew how much it really hurts to have her say that stuff to me! She knows that much I love her and she uses that to her advantage!" Grace pulled away from the hug and کہا "hang on; I'll be back Michael!"
The اگلے thing I knew, she swung my bedroom door wide open and slammed it shut after she walked in. I sat there texting on my phone completely unfazed سے طرف کی the commotion going on directly outside my bedroom door. She walked up to me and ripped the phone out of my hands! I کہا "what the hell Grace!!!" She asked "ALANNA MICHAEL JACKSON DO آپ SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR FATHER? YOU'RE DESTROYING HIM! DO آپ HEAR HIM CRYING OUT THERE? HE'S LEANING UP AGAINST THE دیوار SITTING DOWN AND CRYING TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY!"
She grabbed me سے طرف کی the arm and pressed my ear up against the door. My dad کہا while sobbing "I LOVE HER SO MUCH! SHE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! MY BABY; WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I WISH آپ WOULD TELL ME SO I COULD FIX IT!!!" Grace looked at me and کہا "see; he thinks he's failing آپ as a father! آپ can't do that to him AJ! Do آپ know what he's done for you?" Sit down; I want to دکھائیں آپ a video!" She pulled out a video tape from my cluttered closet and pressed play as she put it in the VCR:
Dated at the bottom of the screen: August 21, 1996
Grace and I sitting at the میز, جدول eating رات کے کھانے, شام کا کھانا when I was two years old. The door opens and Grace asked "who is that AJ?" Dad snuck up behind me and covered my eyes with his hands. Then he lifted them to reveal his face staring at me. I کہا "MY DADDY IS HOME!" He picked me up and کہا "I missed you!" Grace asked "why don't آپ دکھائیں daddy what we threw away?" Dad walked up to the trashcan with me in his arms and pressed the lever that lifted the trashcan lid with his foot. He gasped and کہا "you don't want your binky anymore!" I کہا "no; I'm a big kid!" Grace کہا "and in مزید ways than just the pacifiers Michael!" I started giggling and کہا "Spiderman, daddy I got Spiderman!" He looked at grace and asked "Spiderman what?" Grace lifted my شرٹ, قمیض and he کہا "oh; آپ got rid of those diapers for good! آپ hear that AJ? There's no going back now!" Grace کہا "I think you're the one that doesn't want her to grow up! She was مزید than ready to get rid of her baby things!" He started to cry and I asked in broken English "why آپ cry daddy? آپ need to be jumpy instead! I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you!"
***
After the video was over those words "I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you" stuck in my head as I heard dad continue to cry in the hallway. Grace کہا "you may not want to be his baby; but آپ always will be to him! I remember when آپ got back from your trip to Australia like it was yesterday! Sure he was excited that آپ were having less and less issues with telling him that آپ needed to go but; he wanted to feel needed! He would deliberately sabotage my efforts to get آپ to go to the bathroom (laughs). He didn't feel like آپ were going to need him as much when آپ started to grow up! He would come in and rescue آپ from me; which made me look like such a bad guy and آپ definitely used that to your advantage! آپ would scream 'daddy I want آپ in here; not Grace’ because آپ knew he wouldn't make آپ sit there… He just doesn't want to let آپ go; no matter how old آپ are… No matter what the fight یا argument is about! He wants to protect آپ from everything! He doesn't want آپ to get hurt! That's why he feels the need to be so strict and let's face it AJ; most of the time آپ don't use your common sense! He is your common sense; آپ need your dad مزید than آپ think آپ do! When آپ say things about not needing him; it hurts him مزید than آپ can ever imagine! He does so much for آپ and آپ treat him like dirt on the bottom of your shoe! He's at the end of his rope! He just wants آپ to behave like he knows آپ can and آپ know آپ can! آپ just choose not too یا آپ blame everything on your ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder… آپ use that as an excuse and your dad feels guilty when he punishes you!"
I got up as my guilty conscience was eating me alive and opened up my bedroom door. I looked down at my dad who was sitting on the floor outside my bedroom crying his eyes out. I sat down on the floor اگلے to him and he looked at me and was afraid say anything. I pulled him and for a hug. I کہا "I'm sorry dad! I didn't understand why those memories of me when I was that young were so important to you! I'm sorry I swore at آپ and slammed the door in your face! I want to prove to آپ that آپ can trust me! Don't beat yourself up because آپ are the best father in the world! He wiped his tears and کہا "I'm sorry that I'm always talking about when آپ were really little! That's just all that I have left of that time; I'll never do those types of things again! Blanket is my youngest and he is seven!" I کہا "I'm not a baby anymore but; I will always need my daddy!" He kissed me and کہا "I accept your apology and I hope to God that we don't have a fight like that again! I کہا "now that آپ are calm; آپ may want to know that I punched a hole through the دیوار in my bedroom!" Dad کہا as he sighed "you'll be patching that up as part of your punishment!" I کہا "okay dad; I love آپ and I just want to tell آپ that I'm sorry again! I know that that was unnecessary and uncalled for!" He کہا "I accept your apology again and like I always say, I'll always love آپ مزید than آپ love me!"
June 25, 2009,
I was laying in my room and 1 million thoughts went through my mind. How am I going to دکھائیں dad that he can trust me again? I feel like such a jerk for what happened last night! I've never seen him cry like that! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made him cry with anything other than tears of joy! If Grace had not snapped me out of the mood I was in today would start off just as bad as yesterday!
It was about 8 o'clock in the morning and I heard Dr. Murray scream "Alanna, Prince come quick!" Prince ran into my room and کہا "there's something really wrong with daddy!" I jolted out of بستر and ran down the hall with him. When we got to the master bedroom, Prince and I stood there in shock as we stared at dad lying on the floor while Dr. Murray frantically performed CPR. Prince and I started crying and I hugged him while Paris, Grace, and Blanket started praying.
منٹ later, the ایمبولینس had arrived and so had my relatives. Grandma کہا while trying to hide her fear and concern "come on children; we're going to the hospital!" I forced back tears the entire ride to the hospital and it felt like we were never going to get there!
All four of us kids walked inside without our masks on and sat in the waiting room while the rest of the family went to go see what was going on. Dad's manager Frank sat with us and we waited for about a half hour. Then a nurse directed us to an empty room with chairs. We all sat down and Prince sat down اگلے to me. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I looked up at my grandmother without saying anything and she forced out of the words "I'm sorry children but; your father passed away this morning!" Prince, Paris, and Blanket immediately started crying. The سیکنڈ I heard her say those words, I stormed out of the room and Frank followed me. He shouted "AJ wait!" I ran out the door and sat down on a bench outside the hospital entrance. Frank caught up with me and sat down اگلے to me.
I started crying as Frank looked at me sympathetically. He hugged me as I cried hysterically and asked "is he really dead?" Frank کہا "I'm afraid so AJ!" I کہا as I shook my head in disbelief "this can't be happening! He can't be gone forever! I need him!" Prince came outside سے طرف کی himself and کہا "we all just saw dad one مزید time. آپ should go see him too." I looked at Frank and asked "will آپ go with me? I don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone else and I don't want to go in alone!" Frank کہا "of course I will kid!" I hugged Prince as he wiped his eyes and we all went back inside the hospital.
Frank walked into the hospital room where my dad's body was with me and I stood over his lifeless body. I started crying and collapsed into a chair. Frank کہا "it'll be okay! He's in a better place now!" I کہا "it's not okay! It's all my fault!" Frank کہا "I don't know why آپ would think that! In no way at all is this your fault!" I کہا "he thought I didn't need him anymore! We got into a huge fight last night and I almost punched him! I scared the crap out of him and made him feel like an awful father! Even though I apologized, I didn't think that that would be the last thing I ever کہا to him!" Frank کہا "I guarantee آپ that your dad is looking down at آپ right now from heaven and he would want to tell آپ not to blame any of this on yourself because it's not your fault! I promise آپ it's not your fault! We're going to find out what really happened and get everything straightened out!" I kissed dad's cheek and کہا "I love آپ more!!!
I wiped away tears and calmed myself down. Frank کہا down اگلے to me and I asked "what happens now?" Frank کہا "well; I think you're going to go back to your grandmother's house." I rolled my eyes and کہا "I have a feeling that that's not going to last for very long between me and her under the same roof." Frank کہا "your dad wanted me to give آپ something just in case anything ever happened to him" as he pulled and envelope out of his pocket. I looked at him confused as I grabbed it and asked "what is it?" He responded "I honestly don't know. I never looked inside it! I've held onto it since 2007." I opened it up and there was a letter of stapled pieces of paper. I read out loud:
"Dear Alanna,
سے طرف کی now آپ probably know that I have died for some unknown reason. In the event of my death I would like آپ to have what is inside this envelope. Before آپ continue on to the اگلے page, there are some final rules and guidelines that آپ need to follow that go along with what آپ will see in a minute. The first of which is, in order to take advantage of what is on the اگلے page آپ must continue your final four years of high school! Next, آپ must keep yourself from getting in trouble with the law! (Written in a different color ink which probably means he added it years later) lastly, آپ must continue to play an active role in Carter's life. Which means; آپ will take every opportunity آپ have to spend time with him and take two months out of the سال to spend solely with him! If any of these rules are broken it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED and what is on the اگلے page will be immediately revoked سے طرف کی your guardian until آپ reach the age of 18! Upon آپ turning 18 it shall be returned to you! I can probably imagine that you've cried a lot of tears today so I'll end this letter with a quote from Spiderman that آپ will probably laugh at but; try to take it literally because it's true! 'With great power; comes great responsibility!'
Sincerely, daddy
PS. I love آپ مزید :-)"
***
I laughed at the quote and Frank asked "what's on the اگلے page AJ?" I turned the page casually and started to scan it with my eyes. After a few minutes, I whispered "oh my God" and shook my head in disbelief. Frank asked "what is it?" I asked myself "is he serious? He can't be serious!!!" Frank asked again "WHAT IS IT?" I read it out loud "MJJ records: recording contract!" Frank stood up and looked over my shoulder. He کہا "it looks like your dad wanted آپ signed as an official artist to his record label and it says right here that he appointed me as your manager!" I started crying again and Frank کہا "he signed the bottom of the paper saying that it is okay for آپ to be signed because آپ are a minor. All آپ need to is sign your name and initial here!" I signed my name with the pen he passed me and he کہا "welcome to MJJ records kid!" I کہا "I can't believe my dream is coming true! I'm going to be a famous celebrity like my dad!"
July 7, 2009,
I was sitting at the breakfast میز, جدول eating cereal in Havenhurst and my grandmother sat down اگلے to me. She asked "are آپ okay AJ? آپ haven't talked about what happened to your dad since we left the hospital." I got up to throw my bowl in the sink and کہا "I don't want to talk about it." She looked at me emotionless and I took Carter out of his high chair.
I got dressed in a female suit with pants and all of us gathered in the living room. I looked at my aunts and uncles as I held my almost 8-month-old son in my arms. Uncle Randy کہا "I don't know what we're going to do about this whole car situation and getting to the memorial service. Mother needs to go with us which leaves Alanna, Prince, Paris, and Blanket having to go in the other car. AJ do آپ have your license yet یا just your permit?" I کہا "just my permit; why?" He کہا as he looked at my grandmother "well; do آپ think آپ could get to the Staples center where the memorial is سے طرف کی yourself without getting pulled over?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They're basically asking me to do something illegal! I thought about it for a few منٹ and کہا "yeah; I think I can do that! Just as long as آپ take the baby in your car because I don't feel comfortable driving without an adult with Carter in the car. I'm fine taking Blanket, Prince, and Paris with me though."
They agreed and uncle Jermaine tossed me his car keys. I walked out to the car with my siblings. I noticed that my dog ڈریک was still outside and turned back to let him in the house. Blanket and Paris sat in the back نشست while Prince sat اگلے to me in the passenger seat. I asked "are آپ guys buckled up?" They shook their heads in agreement and Prince turned the radio on. I asked "can آپ at least wait until we get out of the driveway? آپ have to remember that this is the first time I'll be driving without an adult in the car and I don't want to mess up!"
I looked over my shoulder as I pulled out of the driveway and uncle Randy rolled his car window down to talk to me before we officially leave. He کہا "you got this; just pay attention to stop lights and signs. The GPS is already preset with address to both the Staples center and Forrest Lawn Cemetery where the private funeral will be. Whatever آپ do, don't get pulled over AJ!" I took a deep breath and کہا "I won't." He rolled his window up and drove off with my other relatives in the car with him.
I drove down the سٹریٹ, گلی and turned the GPS on. The automated voice started spitting out directions faster than I can understand her. I asked Prince as we pulled up to an intersection "is there a rewind button on that thing?" He picked the GPS up and کہا "I don't see one." I کہا "that's just great! I think we're lost!" Prince کہا "just ask for directions!" I کہا "I can't because someone will know that I'm not supposed me driving without and adult in the car." Prince کہا "I didn't even notice that that's Uncle Randy's car in front of us!" I passed him my cell phone and کہا "text him and tell him that the GPS is being stupid! Tell him to go straight to the Staples center because were following him." Prince started tapping on the keyboard and Aunt Janet gave me a thumbs up from the back نشست of his car.
I took a sigh of relief as I drove through the entrance of the Staples center and the four of us got out of the car. My relatives walked up to us in a group and grandma passed me Carter who had fallen asleep in her arms. Then uncle Marlon passed me a white bracelet and کہا "that's your pass to the reserve seating area were all of us will be; don't lose it!"
Five منٹ before the ceremony ended, Paris walked on the stage and کہا "I just wanted to say that my daddy was the best father آپ could ever imagine and I just love him so much!" I was so proud of my sister because I wouldn't have been able to be that brave. I'm still not used to the idea of my dad being gone یا living with my grandmother. On سب, سب سے اوپر of all of that, I still have to be a mother to Carter and that only makes me miss my dad more. I feel like I don't belong here, I don't fit in at my grandmother's house! I wonder how long this is going to last!
July 14, 2009,
I was sitting in my grandmother's living room after putting Carter down for a nap and watching TV. I wasn't really watching it though; I was just staring at it thinking about my dad. Grandma walked up to me and sat down. She کہا "it's okay to be sad AJ! I haven't seen آپ cry at all!" I looked at her and کہا "that's because I'm not a crier grandma!" She کہا "so آپ just going to walk around here every دن all depressed like this!" I کہا "I'm not talking about this anymore!" I ran up to my new room and sat down on the bed. I looked at the picture of dad and I when I was 11 years old and put the picture frame facing down so I didn't have to look at it. I started crying and کہا "I don't know how I'm going to do this! I just want my dad back! I wish everyone would stop asking me how I'm feeling! How do آپ think I'm feeling? My dad just died!"
Blanket came into my room as I quickly tried to hide the fact that I have been crying. He کہا as he started to cry "I want daddy to come back too!" He sat down on the بستر and I put my arm around him. Blanket کہا "I don't really want to live here AJ!" I کہا "I don't either buddy but; we have to try and make the best of it!" He asked "why did he have to leave us so soon?" I paused searching for an appropriate answer to give a seven-year-old and کہا "I don't know buddy; I guess it was just time for God to take him to heaven." He کہا "I heard that آپ going to be a singer just like daddy! Are آپ going to leave us here if آپ have to go travel somewhere?" I کہا "yeah; but I will always be with آپ in your heart! I will call آپ all the time when I'm away! I promise that if آپ ever need me for anything important; I'll be there!"
August 3, 2009,
Frank texted me a few منٹ پہلے and کہا he wants to have a meeting with me about launching my career. Once he arrived, I let him inside and we went into the spare living room. He کہا "we have to create your image!" I looked at him confused and asked "what do آپ mean?" He کہا "a certain style یا way that آپ carry yourself that people will remember آپ for. مزید importantly something that your future پرستار base will remember آپ for!" I کہا "oh; now I get it!" He کہا "it's been a long time since I've started the career of an artist from the ground up. What are kids and teens into these days?" I کہا "everything pretty much has to do with social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, and sometimes MySpace!" He کہا "from what I can see with other teenage celebrities, setting up a Twitter account before آپ actually get in the studio will make people wonder what you're up to. Just having Michael Jackson as your father will help آپ gain شائقین without even doing anything."
I grabbed my laptop and sat back down on the couch. I asked "so what you're saying is that آپ think I should make a Twitter account?" He کہا "yeah; just make your نام کا صارف direct and to the point. I'll make sure that it becomes a verified account for you." I typed on my keyboard under the نام کا صارف section in create an account: @officialAlannaJackson. I asked "what should I send as my first tweet?" He کہا "something that hints to what you're doing یا planning to do but; will leave people wondering." I thought about it for a منٹ and then typed @officialAlannaJackson: be prepared for what's coming your way!
I asked "what's next?" He کہا "we work on your sense of style!" I کہا "what are آپ talking about? I have a great sense of style!" He کہا "I think we should change your hair style because it's the exact same thing as that Bieber kids except yours is blonde. Come on we're going to the hairdresser."
I walked into the bathroom and Frank could hear the buzzcutter running. He stormed in and asked "what do آپ think you're doing?" I stood there as I shaved my head back to the fauxhawk that I had a couple years back. He کہا "I can't believe آپ just did that without even asking me!" I کہا "listen, it's my head and I'm not just going to walk around with whatever hairstyle آپ want me to have. That me being how the rest of Hollywood works but; I'm not doing this for Hollywood, I'm doing it for me! I'm going to wear my usual baggy jeans and sports jerseys because that's what I like. I understand why آپ wanted me to cut my hair but; I'm not going to just conform to what society wants me to be because I'm my own person!" Frank just looked at me stunned and کہا "fair enough."
August 5, 2009,
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my dad not being alive anymore. It still doesn't feel like he's gone! It just feels like he's on vacation and that he will be back soon… Even though I know that's not going to happen! It's definitely one of those times when آپ can say "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"
Having Carter helps me get my mind off of things. He's changed so much already since he has been born. He has the most amazing smile and I can't wait until his teeth grow in because it will be even better! I don't have time to be sad about my dad because I have to take care of my son. That's what my relatives don't understand! It's almost like they want me to fall to my knees and beg for my dad to be back! It's like they think that I don't care! If only they were me they would know how I feel! I miss my dad so much and this is still all so new to me
***
All of us were in the backyard watching Prince and my cousin Jafar playing badminton. Carter was sitting in his bouncy saucer and my grandmother asked "will آپ please talk to me about how you're feeling when it comes to your father? I کہا "I don't want to; what part of that don't آپ understand?" She کہا "please don't talk to me like that AJ!" I picked Carter up and went inside to my room.
After a few minutes, grandma came in and sat down on my bed. I took one look at her and started crying. She hugged me and کہا "I was waiting for this to happen. It's okay; you're going to get through this!" I کہا "this is so hard! I just want dad back! I'm not used to sharing a house with so many people!" She کہا "just think about it; آپ probably won't be here that much when آپ start working on your musical career! Plus having so many family members means that Carter will definitely be loved when you're gone!" I worry how all this will play out.
January 2, 2009,
I was lying in my بستر with Carter in his پالنے, پالنا on the other side of my large bedroom. Dad came in and کہا as he walked over to pick up Carter because he was crying "AJ; آپ need to get up." I put a تکیا over my head and rolled over. He کہا "you need to get up!" I complained "Carter kept me up all night long every گھنٹہ and a half! I'm tired; can it be your turn?" He کہا "no, no, no, that's not how it works! I told آپ that if آپ wanted to raise Carter as your child then it's your responsibility to take care of him; not mine! I understand that you're tired but; so am I. I have 12 گھنٹہ work days at rehearsals for the new tour!"
I moaned "I love my بستر and I'm not moving!" Dad grabbed my foot that was sticking out from underneath the covers and gently pulled me out of bed. I got up and کہا with an irritated tone in my voice "all I'm asking for is one half-hour sleep!" Dad کہا "yeah well; that's tough for آپ because you're not going to get it. I've got to go to rehearsals. Oh and سے طرف کی the way, Grace and I got into an argument last night so; I don't know if she will be coming back. That means you're going to have to watch Carter, Blanket, Prince, and Paris until I get home. Don't worry; I cut my دن short so I should be ہوم at about 4 o'clock and I will bring ہوم something to eat." I کہا "you've got to be kidding me dad! I don't want to watch all of them! I already have my hands full with Carter as it is!" Dad کہا "I don't want to hear it AJ. You're watching them and that's that! I'm not doing it on purpose; I don't really have another choice! I کہا sarcastically "I don't know; maybe آپ could stay home!" He کہا "I can't afford to miss too many days AJ. آپ make it seem like it's going to be too much for آپ to handle. Prince is 11 and Paris is 10 so; it's not like آپ have to entertain them. As for Blanket, آپ can set him up with TV shows!" I کہا "fine, but only because آپ have no other choice!" He hugged me and کہا "thank you; I appreciate it, just don't burn the house down!"
January 7, 2009,
I was making Carter a bottle while dad put dishes in the dishwasher. He looked over and کہا "make sure آپ measure that out correctly AJ.” I looked at him with an irritated expression on my face and کہا "I know dad! I'm not stupid!" Dad کہا "I was just making sure; there's no reason for the attitude." I کہا "whatever!" I stormed out of the room and sat on the couch.
As I was about to burp Carter, dad came in and sat down اگلے to me. He کہا "don't be afraid to be a little bit forceful just as long as you're not too rough!" I looked over at him as I rolled my eyes and کہا "I know dad!" He کہا "I'm just trying to be helpful; that's all." I کہا "well; you're not being very helpful and you're actually starting to piss me off!" He asked "was that language really necessary Alanna?" I replied "um yeah actually it was because آپ won't have any faith in me when it comes to taking care of Carter!" He کہا "I do trust you; it's not easy for me to trust آپ but, I do." I asked "why would it be hard for آپ trust me?" Dad کہا "seriously; I can't believe you're asking me that! Every other thing آپ tell me is a lie and آپ walk around here like آپ don't care about what I have to say!" I کہا "okay; go ahead and play the victim again because that way آپ know you'll win!"
I brought Carter upstairs to finish feeding him because the tension between dad and I was filling the air. A few منٹ later, dad came upstairs and walked into my room. He sat down on my بستر and کہا "you have to understand that the fact that you’re a mother hasn't fully sunk in yet and you're not even 15 yet! آپ still have a lot to learn!” I کہا "I came up here for a reason; I need to be away from آپ right now!" He کہا "I love آپ AJ!" I whispered "I love آپ too" and he کہا "I love آپ more!"
March 19, 2009,
I got my drivers permit a couple of days پہلے and have been badgering dad to take me out for my first test drive. The two of us were standing in the باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ and I begged "come on dad! Please take me out and teach me how to drive! Now is the perfect time because Grace is back and she can watch the kids while we're gone!" He grabbed his car keys and کہا "I'm not looking آگے to this! Let's get this over with!" I کہا "thank you, thank you, thank you!" He کہا "Grace we'll be back in about an hour." Prince asked "is AJ going to learn how to drive daddy? Can I come?" Paris کہا "if Prince is going then I want to go too!" Grace کہا "neither of آپ can go because آپ are too young to be in the car with someone with a learners permit!" Prince and Paris looked at her in disappointment as the two of us got ready to leave. Grace کہا "good luck آپ guys! I can't wait to hear all about it when آپ get back." Dad کہا "thanks; I think we're going to need it!"
We went out to the car and I was ready to open up the driver’s side door when dad کہا "you're not driving just yet; hold your horses!" I asked disappointed "why?" He کہا as we got into our seats "because I'm not taking آپ out on the road until آپ know what you're doing! I'm taking آپ to an empty parking lot! We can use the Staples Center parking lot because it's closed today.
Once we arrived at the Staples Center parking lot, he parked the car and we switch seats with each other. I could tell that he was already nervous and I hadn't even started the car yet. After I buckled my seatbelt, I turned the key in the ignition and the motor started. I was overly eager and dad کہا “wait, let me دکھائیں آپ what's what here! This is your gas pedal, this is the break! I suggest that آپ don't tend to get them mixed up." I honked the horn and he کہا "are آپ listening to me? This is important! آپ need to understand this یا else I'm not going to let آپ drive! Now دکھائیں me which ones the gas and which one is the break." I showed him and he tried to stall for as long as possible because he was really freaked out.
After 15 minutes, I finally کہا "come on dad; I don't want to just sit here all دن with the car running and stay in the same exact spot!" Dad کہا as he let out a deep sigh "alright; but go slow!" I lightly pressed my foot down on the gas pedal and we started moving forward. I کہا under my breath "oh my God; I can't believe I'm actually driving your car!" We slowly crept up on a giant cement yellow pole and dad کہا "turn, turn, turn, turn AJ! Oh my God please turn AJ!" He squinted his eyes bracing for impact and I turned easily without any problems. I looked over at him and asked "what are آپ so scared of dad? I'm doing fine and you're stressing over nothing!" He کہا "this isn't nothing AJ! I don't want آپ to get hurt!" I laughed as I looked around and asked "how the heck do آپ expect me to get hurt in a giant empty parking lot with no other cars and not to mention that that pole was the only thing I could have possibly hit! I can understand why you'd be like this if we were on the road with a bunch of other cars but; come on!"
He opened his eyes and asked "did آپ crash?" I asked "does it look like I crashed dad?" He looked around to see that the both of us were perfectly fine and took a deep breath. I asked "can I go a little bit faster than a turtle?" He کہا "fine; I can't hold آپ back forever!" I cranked up to speed a little bit faster and dad کہا after about 20 منٹ of driving "okay; I think that's enough driving for آپ today! I'll take آپ out every couple of days for about an گھنٹہ until I feel you're ready to drive on the road. I know I gave آپ a hard time but; it's only because I'm worried! آپ did pretty well for someone who's never driven before!"
March 23, 2009,
There was a knock at the front door of our Los Angeles rental house and I answered it with Carter in my arms. A gorgeous, tall, African-American woman was standing on the other side and I asked "can I help you?" She کہا "hi; my name is Kyi Chase and your father hired me as the new chef here." I کہا "oh yeah; I forgot that today was your first day! Come on in and I'll go get my dad for you!"
While I went to go find dad, Kyi found her way to the باورچی خانے, باورچی خانہ and sat down on a barstool. Soon after, dad, Prince, Paris, Blanket, and I walked in and Kyi کہا "it's nice to finally meet آپ Michael!" We each introduced ourselves and she asked "when did آپ have another baby Michael?" I کہا "oh no; he is not his! This is Carter and he is my son. Just don't say anything to anyone else because we want to keep me being a teenage mother a secret for as long as possible!" She shook her head in agreement and کہا "I completely understand! I won't say anything!"
Dad کہا as he sat down اگلے to Kyi "during the week the children and I eat very healthy but; on Saturdays all of us eat anything and everything we want to!" She کہا "that sounds good to me! I have a lot of healthy food meal plans!" Their conversation was interrupted سے طرف کی a gurgling sound and she کہا "well; آپ kids must be really hungry!" I looked down at Carter and کہا "that wasn't us! Seriously Carter; I can't believe I have to change آپ again!" I went upstairs while the rest of them talked about what food they would like to have made for them.
March 27, 2009,
We were all setting the میز, جدول when Kyi brought out a giant bowl of chicken Alfredo. As I was filling my plate, I looked over and saw dad's eyes quickly scan Kyi's amazing figure. I looked at him with a mischievous look on my face and asked "were آپ checking her out dad?" He looked down and started blushing. I started laughing and کہا "you didn't think I was going to catch on to that!" He کہا "I forget that آپ had a boyfriend sometimes and آپ pick up on that kind of stuff."
April 6, 2009,
I was up in my room when I heard dad's shoes squeaking on the floor. He came in and without saying anything dropped a piece of paper down in front of me. I knew exactly what it was and he asked "did آپ think I wasn't going to find out that آپ haven't been doing your schoolwork since the baby was born?" I کہا "you know it's not easy for me to juggle being a mom at 15 and doing my schoolwork!" He کہا "that doesn't mean that آپ don't have to do any of your work; that's no excuse!" I کہا "I'm actually thinking of dropping out soon!" He کہا "no you're not! Not on my watch!" I asked "do آپ know how hard it is to be me? No آپ don't; so آپ don't have a lot of room to talk dad!" He کہا "yes I do because I'm your dad and I have the right to tell آپ that you're staying in school!" I کہا under my breath as he walked away "we'll see about that." He کہا "you have less than four years the; just get it over with!"
April 11, 2009,
I was sitting with Carter on the سوفی, لٹانا اگلے to dad when the doorbell rang. Dad got up to answer it and I heard him say "it's nice that آپ guys came all the way down here to see AJ but; she can't hang out with آپ because she's taking care of Carter." I began to get curious and went to go see who was at the door. I couldn't believe it! Sketch, Brandon, and Colton were standing at the front steps. Before dad could stop me, I grabbed my جیکٹ and dashed out the door after passing Carter to him. I hopped in the car that the guys had rented. As we sped out of the driveway, I heard dad yell "Alanna آپ better get back here!"
Once we were far enough away, I looked at them and asked "what are آپ guys doing here?" Colton کہا "Kate gave us money to come down here and get آپ out of the house for a while because you've been in there with the baby for a long time! آپ do realize that you're probably not going to hear the end of it from your dad when آپ get back; right?" I کہا "I'm used to it; I don't care! If he's not complaining about one thing about me it'll be something else! What did آپ have in mind for tonight?" Sketch showed me what appeared to be an amazingly realistic fake ID and asked "how does drinking your first few beers sound to you?” I knew it wasn't the right thing to do but; آپ know how I am so I کہا "sounds good to me!"
After we had gotten the alcohol with the fake ID, we went to the park and sat down in the grass! I popped the lid off of my بیئر bottle and took my first sip. I definitely didn't like the taste but; Brandon کہا "trust me; it will be worth it!" I کہا "it better be!"
When I had finished my third drink I was definitely feeling what they were talking about and the guys were laughing at how I was acting! We started doing some really stupid things that I can't really remember because I was so drunk. We each ended up drinking an eight pack of our own. Luckily, one of the guys was able to drive me ہوم without getting into an accident and dad had gone to بستر سے طرف کی the time I stumbled up the stairs to my room.
April 12, 2009,
When I woke up this morning I had the worst headache ever! I didn't remember anything from last night but; I did catch a glimpse of a few half full بیئر bottles in my room. I don't know why; but I didn't try to hide them! I was still kind of out of it and I fell back asleep.
Five منٹ later, dad walked in my room and tapped my shoulder. I moaned "what?" He کہا "it's time to get up!" I sat up and rubbed my eyes. That's when he noticed the بیئر bottles in my room. His eyes widened and he asked with a whispered tone "did آپ drink last night?" I کہا "yup!" He کہا as he sat down اگلے to me on my بستر "you say that like it's no big deal AJ! You're 15 years old and آپ shouldn't be drinking!!" I کہا "whatever dad." He کہا raising his voice a little bit "no it's not whatever Alanna! سے طرف کی the way, I know that آپ just got ہوم an گھنٹہ پہلے because I heard the front door shut! آپ look absolutely ridiculous right now!!!"
His voice cracked as he started to cry and he کہا "LOOK AT YOURSELF! Your hair is sticking up all over the place! You've got گھاس stains all over your clothes! آپ smell like a brewery! Let alone the fact THAT YOU'RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS!" I mumbled slurring my words "I'm not that drunk!" Tears flowed from his eyes and he asked "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU? WHERE IS MY LITTLE TOMBOY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO آپ ARE ANYMORE!" I fell over in a drunken stupor and he just started bawling his eyes out as he fell to his knees. He crawled اگلے to me and dragged me onto his lap.
I had fallen fast asleep and he just kept crying and rocking me back and forth as if I was a newborn baby. He cried uncontrollably as he کہا "it's okay; it's okay! Daddy's going to protect آپ from the dark side of the world! I didn't want this for you! آپ deserve so much better! I need to save آپ from yourself!"
Grace came into the room to see what all the commotion was and asked as she knelt down اگلے to him "what's wrong Michael?" He کہا "Alanna came ہوم about an گھنٹہ پہلے and she is drunk! Grace I don't know what to do! That's the worst thing she's ever done! I didn't think she would do something that stupid! Now that she knows what it feels like; I'm afraid that she won't stop! آپ know how she is! She does what she wants when she wants to! What's she going to do when she's out in the world without me to protect her?" Grace didn't have anything to say because she was just as terrified as he is. He کہا as he looked at her with his eyes bloodshot from crying so hard and کہا "that scares the hell out of me! I don't know what I'm going to do with her! I've tried and tried to دکھائیں her the right things in life… She just doesn't listen! SHE'S TEARING ME APART! I'm trying so hard but; what مزید can I do?"
At this point, Grace had started crying and dad کہا "I have to put her on the right track before it's too late! She's drinking, a teenage mother, swears like a sailor, and sneaks out of the house. What's next; jail? I have to say that it wouldn't surprise me!" What she doesn't realize is that the real world isn't like it is this me!" Grace asked "what are we going to do? I can't stop her if she decides she's going to just up and leave!!!" He کہا as he picked me up and put me in بستر "I guess I have no choice but to bring her with me when I go to rehearsals." He kissed my forehead moving my blonde hair out of the way and کہا "I want آپ to be everything that آپ can be! I hate the person you're becoming and I'll do everything in my power to stop that!" He then lay down اگلے to me in my بستر and fell asleep.
June 24, 2009,
Dad and I were leaving the Staples center after his rehearsals ended at 9 o'clock. سے طرف کی now, dad had started letting me learn how to drive on the road so; I got into the drivers نشست while she sat in the passenger's seat. Before we had even gotten onto the road he was already being critical of my driving. He کہا "watch out for that car AJ!" I کہا as I put the blinker on "I can see dad! I was already way ahead of you!" He کہا after the stop light turned green "don't keep your foot so heavy on the gas pedal AJ; the speed here is 35! How fast are آپ going?" I کہا with an annoyed tone in my voice "34 dad! Will آپ please chill out?" He کہا "I can't because I don't trust you!" I rolled my eyes and کہا "oh there آپ go again with the whole 'I don't trust you’ thing!" He کہا "pay attention to what you're doing! آپ just ran that stop sign!" I کہا arrogantly "um… No I didn't!" He کہا "don't tell me آپ didn't because I just saw آپ with my own two eyes! آپ know what; pull the car over on the side of the road! I asked "what; why?"
I pulled the car over and he کہا "get in the back seat; you're done!" I snarled my upper lip with rage as I climbed into the back نشست and he into the drivers. He کہا as he looked at me in the rearview mirror "you need to quit it with the attitude! What's the deal AJ?" I کہا "you're being way too strict with me and I can't take it much longer!" He کہا "I wish I didn't have to be so strict آپ but; آپ don't listen to me at all anymore!" I کہا "you are over exaggerating!" He asked "oh really? When was the last time آپ made your bed?" I of course didn't answer him because then I would have to own up to it.
He started crying and I کہا frustrated "oh my God; I can't believe you're crying again! If آپ think that going to make me feel bad you're wasting your time!" He shook his head in disbelief and کہا "I didn't raise آپ like this! I want آپ to be like آپ used to be! When آپ were somewhat well behaved; instead of absolutely out-of-control!" I shouted "YOU NEED TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT I'M NOT THAT LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD ANYMORE! I DON'T NEED آپ ANYMORE!"
We pulled into the driveway and he کہا "go upstairs to your room! You're on punishment until further notice!" I slammed the car door and stormed inside. Grace کہا "hi آپ two; how was your day?" I کہا as I raced up the stairs with dad following me "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" He looked at Grace and کہا "that right there is how our دن was!" He took Carter from her and کہا "I guess I'll be watching him tonight again!"
After he had gotten the baby asleep, he stood in his bedroom doorway and I stood in mine. He calmly asked with tears in his eyes "are آپ going to apologize?" I کہا "no" and slammed my door. Grace had seen everything that just happened and looked at my dad in shock as tears streamed down his face. She ran over to hug him and he asked "why does she do this to me? If only she knew how much it really hurts to have her say that stuff to me! She knows that much I love her and she uses that to her advantage!" Grace pulled away from the hug and کہا "hang on; I'll be back Michael!"
The اگلے thing I knew, she swung my bedroom door wide open and slammed it shut after she walked in. I sat there texting on my phone completely unfazed سے طرف کی the commotion going on directly outside my bedroom door. She walked up to me and ripped the phone out of my hands! I کہا "what the hell Grace!!!" She asked "ALANNA MICHAEL JACKSON DO آپ SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR FATHER? YOU'RE DESTROYING HIM! DO آپ HEAR HIM CRYING OUT THERE? HE'S LEANING UP AGAINST THE دیوار SITTING DOWN AND CRYING TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY!"
She grabbed me سے طرف کی the arm and pressed my ear up against the door. My dad کہا while sobbing "I LOVE HER SO MUCH! SHE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! MY BABY; WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I WISH آپ WOULD TELL ME SO I COULD FIX IT!!!" Grace looked at me and کہا "see; he thinks he's failing آپ as a father! آپ can't do that to him AJ! Do آپ know what he's done for you?" Sit down; I want to دکھائیں آپ a video!" She pulled out a video tape from my cluttered closet and pressed play as she put it in the VCR:
Dated at the bottom of the screen: August 21, 1996
Grace and I sitting at the میز, جدول eating رات کے کھانے, شام کا کھانا when I was two years old. The door opens and Grace asked "who is that AJ?" Dad snuck up behind me and covered my eyes with his hands. Then he lifted them to reveal his face staring at me. I کہا "MY DADDY IS HOME!" He picked me up and کہا "I missed you!" Grace asked "why don't آپ دکھائیں daddy what we threw away?" Dad walked up to the trashcan with me in his arms and pressed the lever that lifted the trashcan lid with his foot. He gasped and کہا "you don't want your binky anymore!" I کہا "no; I'm a big kid!" Grace کہا "and in مزید ways than just the pacifiers Michael!" I started giggling and کہا "Spiderman, daddy I got Spiderman!" He looked at grace and asked "Spiderman what?" Grace lifted my شرٹ, قمیض and he کہا "oh; آپ got rid of those diapers for good! آپ hear that AJ? There's no going back now!" Grace کہا "I think you're the one that doesn't want her to grow up! She was مزید than ready to get rid of her baby things!" He started to cry and I asked in broken English "why آپ cry daddy? آپ need to be jumpy instead! I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you!"
***
After the video was over those words "I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you" stuck in my head as I heard dad continue to cry in the hallway. Grace کہا "you may not want to be his baby; but آپ always will be to him! I remember when آپ got back from your trip to Australia like it was yesterday! Sure he was excited that آپ were having less and less issues with telling him that آپ needed to go but; he wanted to feel needed! He would deliberately sabotage my efforts to get آپ to go to the bathroom (laughs). He didn't feel like آپ were going to need him as much when آپ started to grow up! He would come in and rescue آپ from me; which made me look like such a bad guy and آپ definitely used that to your advantage! آپ would scream 'daddy I want آپ in here; not Grace’ because آپ knew he wouldn't make آپ sit there… He just doesn't want to let آپ go; no matter how old آپ are… No matter what the fight یا argument is about! He wants to protect آپ from everything! He doesn't want آپ to get hurt! That's why he feels the need to be so strict and let's face it AJ; most of the time آپ don't use your common sense! He is your common sense; آپ need your dad مزید than آپ think آپ do! When آپ say things about not needing him; it hurts him مزید than آپ can ever imagine! He does so much for آپ and آپ treat him like dirt on the bottom of your shoe! He's at the end of his rope! He just wants آپ to behave like he knows آپ can and آپ know آپ can! آپ just choose not too یا آپ blame everything on your ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder… آپ use that as an excuse and your dad feels guilty when he punishes you!"
I got up as my guilty conscience was eating me alive and opened up my bedroom door. I looked down at my dad who was sitting on the floor outside my bedroom crying his eyes out. I sat down on the floor اگلے to him and he looked at me and was afraid say anything. I pulled him and for a hug. I کہا "I'm sorry dad! I didn't understand why those memories of me when I was that young were so important to you! I'm sorry I swore at آپ and slammed the door in your face! I want to prove to آپ that آپ can trust me! Don't beat yourself up because آپ are the best father in the world! He wiped his tears and کہا "I'm sorry that I'm always talking about when آپ were really little! That's just all that I have left of that time; I'll never do those types of things again! Blanket is my youngest and he is seven!" I کہا "I'm not a baby anymore but; I will always need my daddy!" He kissed me and کہا "I accept your apology and I hope to God that we don't have a fight like that again! I کہا "now that آپ are calm; آپ may want to know that I punched a hole through the دیوار in my bedroom!" Dad کہا as he sighed "you'll be patching that up as part of your punishment!" I کہا "okay dad; I love آپ and I just want to tell آپ that I'm sorry again! I know that that was unnecessary and uncalled for!" He کہا "I accept your apology again and like I always say, I'll always love آپ مزید than آپ love me!"
June 25, 2009,
I was laying in my room and 1 million thoughts went through my mind. How am I going to دکھائیں dad that he can trust me again? I feel like such a jerk for what happened last night! I've never seen him cry like that! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made him cry with anything other than tears of joy! If Grace had not snapped me out of the mood I was in today would start off just as bad as yesterday!
It was about 8 o'clock in the morning and I heard Dr. Murray scream "Alanna, Prince come quick!" Prince ran into my room and کہا "there's something really wrong with daddy!" I jolted out of بستر and ran down the hall with him. When we got to the master bedroom, Prince and I stood there in shock as we stared at dad lying on the floor while Dr. Murray frantically performed CPR. Prince and I started crying and I hugged him while Paris, Grace, and Blanket started praying.
منٹ later, the ایمبولینس had arrived and so had my relatives. Grandma کہا while trying to hide her fear and concern "come on children; we're going to the hospital!" I forced back tears the entire ride to the hospital and it felt like we were never going to get there!
All four of us kids walked inside without our masks on and sat in the waiting room while the rest of the family went to go see what was going on. Dad's manager Frank sat with us and we waited for about a half hour. Then a nurse directed us to an empty room with chairs. We all sat down and Prince sat down اگلے to me. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I looked up at my grandmother without saying anything and she forced out of the words "I'm sorry children but; your father passed away this morning!" Prince, Paris, and Blanket immediately started crying. The سیکنڈ I heard her say those words, I stormed out of the room and Frank followed me. He shouted "AJ wait!" I ran out the door and sat down on a bench outside the hospital entrance. Frank caught up with me and sat down اگلے to me.
I started crying as Frank looked at me sympathetically. He hugged me as I cried hysterically and asked "is he really dead?" Frank کہا "I'm afraid so AJ!" I کہا as I shook my head in disbelief "this can't be happening! He can't be gone forever! I need him!" Prince came outside سے طرف کی himself and کہا "we all just saw dad one مزید time. آپ should go see him too." I looked at Frank and asked "will آپ go with me? I don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone else and I don't want to go in alone!" Frank کہا "of course I will kid!" I hugged Prince as he wiped his eyes and we all went back inside the hospital.
Frank walked into the hospital room where my dad's body was with me and I stood over his lifeless body. I started crying and collapsed into a chair. Frank کہا "it'll be okay! He's in a better place now!" I کہا "it's not okay! It's all my fault!" Frank کہا "I don't know why آپ would think that! In no way at all is this your fault!" I کہا "he thought I didn't need him anymore! We got into a huge fight last night and I almost punched him! I scared the crap out of him and made him feel like an awful father! Even though I apologized, I didn't think that that would be the last thing I ever کہا to him!" Frank کہا "I guarantee آپ that your dad is looking down at آپ right now from heaven and he would want to tell آپ not to blame any of this on yourself because it's not your fault! I promise آپ it's not your fault! We're going to find out what really happened and get everything straightened out!" I kissed dad's cheek and کہا "I love آپ more!!!
I wiped away tears and calmed myself down. Frank کہا down اگلے to me and I asked "what happens now?" Frank کہا "well; I think you're going to go back to your grandmother's house." I rolled my eyes and کہا "I have a feeling that that's not going to last for very long between me and her under the same roof." Frank کہا "your dad wanted me to give آپ something just in case anything ever happened to him" as he pulled and envelope out of his pocket. I looked at him confused as I grabbed it and asked "what is it?" He responded "I honestly don't know. I never looked inside it! I've held onto it since 2007." I opened it up and there was a letter of stapled pieces of paper. I read out loud:
"Dear Alanna,
سے طرف کی now آپ probably know that I have died for some unknown reason. In the event of my death I would like آپ to have what is inside this envelope. Before آپ continue on to the اگلے page, there are some final rules and guidelines that آپ need to follow that go along with what آپ will see in a minute. The first of which is, in order to take advantage of what is on the اگلے page آپ must continue your final four years of high school! Next, آپ must keep yourself from getting in trouble with the law! (Written in a different color ink which probably means he added it years later) lastly, آپ must continue to play an active role in Carter's life. Which means; آپ will take every opportunity آپ have to spend time with him and take two months out of the سال to spend solely with him! If any of these rules are broken it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED and what is on the اگلے page will be immediately revoked سے طرف کی your guardian until آپ reach the age of 18! Upon آپ turning 18 it shall be returned to you! I can probably imagine that you've cried a lot of tears today so I'll end this letter with a quote from Spiderman that آپ will probably laugh at but; try to take it literally because it's true! 'With great power; comes great responsibility!'
Sincerely, daddy
PS. I love آپ مزید :-)"
***
I laughed at the quote and Frank asked "what's on the اگلے page AJ?" I turned the page casually and started to scan it with my eyes. After a few minutes, I whispered "oh my God" and shook my head in disbelief. Frank asked "what is it?" I asked myself "is he serious? He can't be serious!!!" Frank asked again "WHAT IS IT?" I read it out loud "MJJ records: recording contract!" Frank stood up and looked over my shoulder. He کہا "it looks like your dad wanted آپ signed as an official artist to his record label and it says right here that he appointed me as your manager!" I started crying again and Frank کہا "he signed the bottom of the paper saying that it is okay for آپ to be signed because آپ are a minor. All آپ need to is sign your name and initial here!" I signed my name with the pen he passed me and he کہا "welcome to MJJ records kid!" I کہا "I can't believe my dream is coming true! I'm going to be a famous celebrity like my dad!"
July 7, 2009,
I was sitting at the breakfast میز, جدول eating cereal in Havenhurst and my grandmother sat down اگلے to me. She asked "are آپ okay AJ? آپ haven't talked about what happened to your dad since we left the hospital." I got up to throw my bowl in the sink and کہا "I don't want to talk about it." She looked at me emotionless and I took Carter out of his high chair.
I got dressed in a female suit with pants and all of us gathered in the living room. I looked at my aunts and uncles as I held my almost 8-month-old son in my arms. Uncle Randy کہا "I don't know what we're going to do about this whole car situation and getting to the memorial service. Mother needs to go with us which leaves Alanna, Prince, Paris, and Blanket having to go in the other car. AJ do آپ have your license yet یا just your permit?" I کہا "just my permit; why?" He کہا as he looked at my grandmother "well; do آپ think آپ could get to the Staples center where the memorial is سے طرف کی yourself without getting pulled over?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They're basically asking me to do something illegal! I thought about it for a few منٹ and کہا "yeah; I think I can do that! Just as long as آپ take the baby in your car because I don't feel comfortable driving without an adult with Carter in the car. I'm fine taking Blanket, Prince, and Paris with me though."
They agreed and uncle Jermaine tossed me his car keys. I walked out to the car with my siblings. I noticed that my dog ڈریک was still outside and turned back to let him in the house. Blanket and Paris sat in the back نشست while Prince sat اگلے to me in the passenger seat. I asked "are آپ guys buckled up?" They shook their heads in agreement and Prince turned the radio on. I asked "can آپ at least wait until we get out of the driveway? آپ have to remember that this is the first time I'll be driving without an adult in the car and I don't want to mess up!"
I looked over my shoulder as I pulled out of the driveway and uncle Randy rolled his car window down to talk to me before we officially leave. He کہا "you got this; just pay attention to stop lights and signs. The GPS is already preset with address to both the Staples center and Forrest Lawn Cemetery where the private funeral will be. Whatever آپ do, don't get pulled over AJ!" I took a deep breath and کہا "I won't." He rolled his window up and drove off with my other relatives in the car with him.
I drove down the سٹریٹ, گلی and turned the GPS on. The automated voice started spitting out directions faster than I can understand her. I asked Prince as we pulled up to an intersection "is there a rewind button on that thing?" He picked the GPS up and کہا "I don't see one." I کہا "that's just great! I think we're lost!" Prince کہا "just ask for directions!" I کہا "I can't because someone will know that I'm not supposed me driving without and adult in the car." Prince کہا "I didn't even notice that that's Uncle Randy's car in front of us!" I passed him my cell phone and کہا "text him and tell him that the GPS is being stupid! Tell him to go straight to the Staples center because were following him." Prince started tapping on the keyboard and Aunt Janet gave me a thumbs up from the back نشست of his car.
I took a sigh of relief as I drove through the entrance of the Staples center and the four of us got out of the car. My relatives walked up to us in a group and grandma passed me Carter who had fallen asleep in her arms. Then uncle Marlon passed me a white bracelet and کہا "that's your pass to the reserve seating area were all of us will be; don't lose it!"
Five منٹ before the ceremony ended, Paris walked on the stage and کہا "I just wanted to say that my daddy was the best father آپ could ever imagine and I just love him so much!" I was so proud of my sister because I wouldn't have been able to be that brave. I'm still not used to the idea of my dad being gone یا living with my grandmother. On سب, سب سے اوپر of all of that, I still have to be a mother to Carter and that only makes me miss my dad more. I feel like I don't belong here, I don't fit in at my grandmother's house! I wonder how long this is going to last!
July 14, 2009,
I was sitting in my grandmother's living room after putting Carter down for a nap and watching TV. I wasn't really watching it though; I was just staring at it thinking about my dad. Grandma walked up to me and sat down. She کہا "it's okay to be sad AJ! I haven't seen آپ cry at all!" I looked at her and کہا "that's because I'm not a crier grandma!" She کہا "so آپ just going to walk around here every دن all depressed like this!" I کہا "I'm not talking about this anymore!" I ran up to my new room and sat down on the bed. I looked at the picture of dad and I when I was 11 years old and put the picture frame facing down so I didn't have to look at it. I started crying and کہا "I don't know how I'm going to do this! I just want my dad back! I wish everyone would stop asking me how I'm feeling! How do آپ think I'm feeling? My dad just died!"
Blanket came into my room as I quickly tried to hide the fact that I have been crying. He کہا as he started to cry "I want daddy to come back too!" He sat down on the بستر and I put my arm around him. Blanket کہا "I don't really want to live here AJ!" I کہا "I don't either buddy but; we have to try and make the best of it!" He asked "why did he have to leave us so soon?" I paused searching for an appropriate answer to give a seven-year-old and کہا "I don't know buddy; I guess it was just time for God to take him to heaven." He کہا "I heard that آپ going to be a singer just like daddy! Are آپ going to leave us here if آپ have to go travel somewhere?" I کہا "yeah; but I will always be with آپ in your heart! I will call آپ all the time when I'm away! I promise that if آپ ever need me for anything important; I'll be there!"
August 3, 2009,
Frank texted me a few منٹ پہلے and کہا he wants to have a meeting with me about launching my career. Once he arrived, I let him inside and we went into the spare living room. He کہا "we have to create your image!" I looked at him confused and asked "what do آپ mean?" He کہا "a certain style یا way that آپ carry yourself that people will remember آپ for. مزید importantly something that your future پرستار base will remember آپ for!" I کہا "oh; now I get it!" He کہا "it's been a long time since I've started the career of an artist from the ground up. What are kids and teens into these days?" I کہا "everything pretty much has to do with social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, and sometimes MySpace!" He کہا "from what I can see with other teenage celebrities, setting up a Twitter account before آپ actually get in the studio will make people wonder what you're up to. Just having Michael Jackson as your father will help آپ gain شائقین without even doing anything."
I grabbed my laptop and sat back down on the couch. I asked "so what you're saying is that آپ think I should make a Twitter account?" He کہا "yeah; just make your نام کا صارف direct and to the point. I'll make sure that it becomes a verified account for you." I typed on my keyboard under the نام کا صارف section in create an account: @officialAlannaJackson. I asked "what should I send as my first tweet?" He کہا "something that hints to what you're doing یا planning to do but; will leave people wondering." I thought about it for a منٹ and then typed @officialAlannaJackson: be prepared for what's coming your way!
I asked "what's next?" He کہا "we work on your sense of style!" I کہا "what are آپ talking about? I have a great sense of style!" He کہا "I think we should change your hair style because it's the exact same thing as that Bieber kids except yours is blonde. Come on we're going to the hairdresser."
I walked into the bathroom and Frank could hear the buzzcutter running. He stormed in and asked "what do آپ think you're doing?" I stood there as I shaved my head back to the fauxhawk that I had a couple years back. He کہا "I can't believe آپ just did that without even asking me!" I کہا "listen, it's my head and I'm not just going to walk around with whatever hairstyle آپ want me to have. That me being how the rest of Hollywood works but; I'm not doing this for Hollywood, I'm doing it for me! I'm going to wear my usual baggy jeans and sports jerseys because that's what I like. I understand why آپ wanted me to cut my hair but; I'm not going to just conform to what society wants me to be because I'm my own person!" Frank just looked at me stunned and کہا "fair enough."
August 5, 2009,
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my dad not being alive anymore. It still doesn't feel like he's gone! It just feels like he's on vacation and that he will be back soon… Even though I know that's not going to happen! It's definitely one of those times when آپ can say "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"
Having Carter helps me get my mind off of things. He's changed so much already since he has been born. He has the most amazing smile and I can't wait until his teeth grow in because it will be even better! I don't have time to be sad about my dad because I have to take care of my son. That's what my relatives don't understand! It's almost like they want me to fall to my knees and beg for my dad to be back! It's like they think that I don't care! If only they were me they would know how I feel! I miss my dad so much and this is still all so new to me
***
All of us were in the backyard watching Prince and my cousin Jafar playing badminton. Carter was sitting in his bouncy saucer and my grandmother asked "will آپ please talk to me about how you're feeling when it comes to your father? I کہا "I don't want to; what part of that don't آپ understand?" She کہا "please don't talk to me like that AJ!" I picked Carter up and went inside to my room.
After a few minutes, grandma came in and sat down on my bed. I took one look at her and started crying. She hugged me and کہا "I was waiting for this to happen. It's okay; you're going to get through this!" I کہا "this is so hard! I just want dad back! I'm not used to sharing a house with so many people!" She کہا "just think about it; آپ probably won't be here that much when آپ start working on your musical career! Plus having so many family members means that Carter will definitely be loved when you're gone!" I worry how all this will play out.
Joe Jackson says his heavy parental hand kept Michael Jackson away from gangs.
0904_joe_jackson_video
The interview with Joe was shot سے طرف کی Jacksonsecretvault.com over the summer and will be used as part of a movie Katherine Jackson is producing with Howard Mann.
In the clip, an interviewer asks Joe what he thinks about Michael's past تبصرے about Joe's parenting -- alluding to allegations of physical abuse. Joe says, "I had to be like that because when raising him, in those days, so many gangs out there getting into trouble, going to jail. Most of them are dead now. He didn't have to worry about that."
The interviewer also asked if Joe had any regrets, "No! They tried to make a big issue when I spanked Michael یا some of the kids, ya know? Just like they didn't spank their kids when they did wrong. The media twists everything."
Indeed.
0904_joe_jackson_video
The interview with Joe was shot سے طرف کی Jacksonsecretvault.com over the summer and will be used as part of a movie Katherine Jackson is producing with Howard Mann.
In the clip, an interviewer asks Joe what he thinks about Michael's past تبصرے about Joe's parenting -- alluding to allegations of physical abuse. Joe says, "I had to be like that because when raising him, in those days, so many gangs out there getting into trouble, going to jail. Most of them are dead now. He didn't have to worry about that."
The interviewer also asked if Joe had any regrets, "No! They tried to make a big issue when I spanked Michael یا some of the kids, ya know? Just like they didn't spank their kids when they did wrong. The media twists everything."
Indeed.
Then comes the snow
But after the snow
The flowers will grow
Girl when my life got stormy
آپ stayed for the ride
آپ stayed my side
آپ make the sun shine
Refrain
I'm up again I never let آپ down
Nothing's ever gonna stop me now
Up again I never let آپ down
[ Find مزید Lyrics on link ]
I love you
This Humpty Dumpty's lucky
He's had his fall
But after it all
He brushed himself off
Knowing how much آپ loved me
I made one مزید try
I reached for the sky
And I made it this time
Refrain
I'm up again I never let آپ down
Nothing's ever gonna stop me now
Up again I never let آپ down
I love you
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