1. It’s OK to kill people.
2. Dying doesn’t really matter much either.
3. If you’re 14, have hair covering your eyes and live in a small village, man up, because you’re going to have to save the world.
4. Medicine became obsolete in the سال 2004, when doctors noticed that hiding behind a دیوار caused human health to regenerate to 100%.
5. Eating stuff found on the floor is good for آپ – your parents were wrong.
6. Sometime in the future, Earth will be menaced سے طرف کی hordes of alien spacecraft that fly in predictable patterns and can be killed in one hit. The logical course of action will be to dispatch one brave hero in an untested plane/tank/spaceship to take them all on without help.
7. Winners don’t use drugs.
8. Buildings may have crates full of goodies on their roofs, so always check, even if it means riding a motorbike up the آگ کے, آگ escape.
9. Enemies, rather than approach آپ directly, behave like Michael Flatley (of Riverdance fame) on a conveyor belt.
10. Keycards are only manufactured in primary colors.
11. Tanks will go faster if آپ turn the برج backwards and keep firing.
12. Anything in the world can be made from food, wood and gold.
13. Most guards forget آپ unsuccessfully tried to strangle them after walking around for 20 seconds.
14. It’s surprising just how useful martial arts are on the modern battlefield.
15. When آپ get shot, آپ don’t feel any pain, nor does it affect your aim. However, it does cause your vision to turn red for a couple of seconds.
16. If a crown princess is abducted سے طرف کی political dissidents یا terrorists it is advisable to avoid using Special Forces and instead hire the services of an Italian plumber یا a dizzy egg.
17. Firearms are most simply reloaded سے طرف کی pointing them at the دیوار and pulling the trigger.
18. Crates only contain one single item, much smaller than the کریٹ, کھوکھا itself. The item will usually be in the dead centre of the کریٹ, کھوکھا with no supporting packing material.
19. If you’re stuck in life and don’t know what to do, simply attempt to use every single item in your possession on your obstacle. If none of them work, go back the way آپ came. You’ve clearly missed something.
21. Wrexham can win the Champions League if آپ have about 483 full days to spare, 80% of which are spent waiting for CM04 to load (non-UK folk may not get this one).
22. Jumping on turtles’ heads is socially acceptable. Unless it’s being used as a euphemism for needing the toilet.
23. Contrary to مقبول belief, آپ don’t gain experience and knowledge سے طرف کی education and hard work. آپ get it from wandering around the countryside killing wildlife.
24. Princesses float farther than plumbers.
25. Despite what logic dictates, the ideal shape for a war robot is not squat, armored, with a low centre of gravity, but a bipedal humanoid. Ideally with hands to hold a gun, rather than built in weaponry.
26. Large men are slow but strong; women are fast but weak.
27. When آپ look down, آپ can’t see your feet.
28. Explosives don’t work on doors unless they’re a bit shinier than the other doors.
29. If working on high scaffolding, beware of gorillas throwing barrels off the سب, سب سے اوپر floor.
30. No girls.
31. Always be sure to smash any crates آپ come across, they will always contain good things.
32. Despite the fact that modern weapons systems are effective over hundreds of miles, in the future all space/air/sea combat will be conducted within about 50 yards of the enemy.
33. Contrary to the strict regulations آپ might think pilots have to adhere to, آپ can actually fly any aircraft upside down beneath the Golden Gate Bridge without getting in trouble.
34. War is the best fun ever.
35. It doesn’t matter where آپ shoot someone, even if it’s in the foot, as long as آپ do it enough times there will eventually be an immediate transition between alive and dead.
36. There is no practical difference between walking into a weapon and picking it up.
37. In medieval times, women regularly fought in wars, wearing armor that afforded them equal protection to suits of plate mail worn سے طرف کی men, despite only covering about 3 inches of skin.
38. Most martial arts will teach آپ how to throw fireballs at about green بیلٹ, پٹی level.
39. Roman and medieval generals had a zoomable and rotatable 3D view of the battlefield, and controlled their soldiers سے طرف کی clicking giant arrows.
40. Everyone speaks English, including Nazis, aliens and the living dead.
41. When your life ends آپ will be دیا 10 سیکنڈ to decide whether آپ fancy going again (in some circumstances this may cost آپ some change).
42. As long as آپ are wearing at least one ring آپ will never die.
43. Pulling out a weapon makes آپ see a + sign wherever آپ look.
44. Running from side to side یا backwards is just as easy and quick as running forwards.
45. Never trust a giant monkey wearing a tie.
46. Graveyard zombies are predatory homosexuals, who’ll strip آپ down to your Y-fronts.
47. Bus-loads of people will turn up to a mostly empty field to see a man in a hippo costume stand اگلے to a mail box.
48. Fat people are always evil. If not from the beginning, they will betray آپ eventually.
49. آپ can only use a pair of skis once and the only دکان selling them at resorts is invariably on the other side of a busy motorway with no visible means of a pedestrian thoroughfare.
50. Not only is it perfectly normal for animals to talk, but their default attitude is “sassy”.
51. Modern tank warfare will be replaced in the future سے طرف کی building a very large number of tanks on the battlefield itself, then attacking the enemy’s strongest point head-on with hundreds of them at once.
52. آپ know when آپ have won a fight when your opponent stands still, waiting for آپ to decapitate him.
53. Prostitutes will judge آپ on the fanciness of your car and give آپ 25% bonus health post-sex. This is only in the pre-AIDS ’80s. In 2008, آپ will be tsk-ed at سے طرف کی an Eastern European, which makes آپ feel sick and guilty, even though you’ve been stabbing people all day.
54. Karate and driving can both be learned in منٹ simply سے طرف کی repeating sequential dance routines as requested سے طرف کی cartoon animals.
55. Wearing a pair of white gloves to work every دن may seem an unwise choice if your chosen career is plumbing, but, in reality, آپ will never have to dirty your pristine mitts سے طرف کی fishing a swollen, fetid tampon from a shit-clogged outflow pipe.
56. The bodies of your murdered victims will fade and disappear if آپ wait for a few seconds.
57. Explosives are not stored, as آپ might expect, in secure containers in controlled environments, but in barrels that are littered around combat zones at random. Highly-trained evil soldiers are quite happy to engage in sustained fire-fights while standing اگلے to them.
58. Doing athletics really hurts your wrist after a while.
59. آپ can’t ever trip, even when running backwards as fast as آپ can while firing a shotgun.
60. World War II infantry jargon included such phrases as “lol”, “n00b” and “OMG HaXXoR!!11!” Modern counter-terrorist SWAT teams use the same phrases.
61. People wink out of existence when you’re not there to see them.
62. On the whole, آپ can withstand a lot مزید bullets/punches/magic compared to the other guy.
63. Always shut the door behind you, especially if it looks like it might snow later on.
64. آپ don’t need scintillating conversation get on in life. Two-word commands will do fine.
65. Many, if not all, problems can be solved with a Holy Hand Grenade.
66. Being on the goodies’ side doesn’t automatically make آپ winners of The War.
67. آپ can up your bank balance $1,000 at a time سے طرف کی chanting ‘FUND’.
68. Kick enough puppies and you’ll eventually gain the strength, wisdom and dexterity to take on ninjas.
69. Food can heal most serious injuries instantly.
70. Even cyborgs/ninjas/special agents able to smash whole cities with their fists and defeat the mightiest opponent in close combat are stumped when confronted with a locked door یا box, and have to go find the key.
71. موسیقی spontaneously plays whenever آپ do anything exciting.
72. Modern military training teaches that the best way to defeat an enemy is to stand stock still in plain view of the enemy and آگ کے, آگ wildly. Making sinister noises to reveal your location is good, too.
73. If آپ notice a discolored section on a brick wall, try running up really close and pressing on it, for it may give way and lead آپ to a secret cache of weapons and armor.
74. Bullet holes will gradually disappear, foiling your attempts to draw a c--k and balls on the ground with a machine gun.
75. When you’ve run out of food and stuff, just leave the house and then go back in again.
76. When آپ kill people, sometimes they turn into food یا money. یا some bullets.
77. آپ can travel anywhere instantly, as long as you’ve been there before.
78. When crawling along air-conditioning ducts, if آپ go آگے and back a few times آپ may یا may not see a pair of tits.
79. First aid kits can be applied to your injuries in under a second, and will instantly fix your injuries and make آپ healthier.
80. Flashlights only last for one minute, but thankfully recharge themselves over time.
81. If you’re in a قلعہ looking for a lost loved one, they’re in another one.
82. If you’re good enough at trading/bartering – every single دکان in the world will reduce their prices specially for you.
83. آپ can lead a fulfilling and adventurous life, and keep several friends, without ever opening your mouth.
84. آپ can shoot open a padlock, but locks on wooden doors only ever leave a dent.
85. It is possible to carry an infinite amount of items, including a full sunday roast spread, for no adequately explored reason, without impeding either your speed یا clothing.
86. “Sho-ryu-ken!” is the best opening line to start a punch-up in a pub.
87. Conversation is easy! Just think of two یا three possible responses, and pick the one آپ think will lead to the greatest reward.
88. Firing a rocket launcher straight into the floor is an excellent idea, and will get آپ cool stuff, provided آپ jump into the air as آپ do it.
89. Women who are experienced mercenaries and can carry multiple heavy weapons do not look like Bulgarian discus throwers, but are lithe, slim, and have very large breasts.
90. The world is packed with unexplored ruins, most of which are packed to the rafters with treasure. Despite this, no one has yet bothered to explore them.
91. The owners of theme parks/zoos/hospitals are able to pick up visitors to their attractions with a giant grapple, and drown them in lakes without penalty.
92. Being shot in the face is only a minor inconvenience, but going into an area آپ are not supposed to will result in instant death.
93. Nazis/Alien Invaders/Evil Megacorps are always leaving medical supplies around for their opponents to heal themselves with. Their own soldiers are under strict instruction not to touch them. Ever.
94. The مقبول third dimension was introduced in the ’80s, before which you’d simply shrink and اقدام مزید slowly to convey distance.
95. آپ can probably fit another rocket launcher in your rucksack if آپ carefully rearrange those four ammo clips and that coke can.
96. If someone آپ don’t like is in a swimming pool, simply remove the steps to get out. Then they will be stuck and drown through exhaustion.
97. Frogs die in water.
98. آپ can gaze at a woman’s tits for hours on end without either of آپ becoming embarrassed. However, attempts to mount her from every side like a determined St. Bernard will always result in آپ bouncing off her textured hide.
99. If آپ win a really big fight, don’t relax until you’ve made sure there isn’t a much مزید powerful robot version of your late opponent lurking in a corner.
100. “Ninja” is the most common occupation on the planet, just above “Secret Agent” and “Alien in Disguise”.
101. Comprehensive military training can be acquired simply سے طرف کی climbing a rope, crouching and firing down a range a few times.
2. Dying doesn’t really matter much either.
3. If you’re 14, have hair covering your eyes and live in a small village, man up, because you’re going to have to save the world.
4. Medicine became obsolete in the سال 2004, when doctors noticed that hiding behind a دیوار caused human health to regenerate to 100%.
5. Eating stuff found on the floor is good for آپ – your parents were wrong.
6. Sometime in the future, Earth will be menaced سے طرف کی hordes of alien spacecraft that fly in predictable patterns and can be killed in one hit. The logical course of action will be to dispatch one brave hero in an untested plane/tank/spaceship to take them all on without help.
7. Winners don’t use drugs.
8. Buildings may have crates full of goodies on their roofs, so always check, even if it means riding a motorbike up the آگ کے, آگ escape.
9. Enemies, rather than approach آپ directly, behave like Michael Flatley (of Riverdance fame) on a conveyor belt.
10. Keycards are only manufactured in primary colors.
11. Tanks will go faster if آپ turn the برج backwards and keep firing.
12. Anything in the world can be made from food, wood and gold.
13. Most guards forget آپ unsuccessfully tried to strangle them after walking around for 20 seconds.
14. It’s surprising just how useful martial arts are on the modern battlefield.
15. When آپ get shot, آپ don’t feel any pain, nor does it affect your aim. However, it does cause your vision to turn red for a couple of seconds.
16. If a crown princess is abducted سے طرف کی political dissidents یا terrorists it is advisable to avoid using Special Forces and instead hire the services of an Italian plumber یا a dizzy egg.
17. Firearms are most simply reloaded سے طرف کی pointing them at the دیوار and pulling the trigger.
18. Crates only contain one single item, much smaller than the کریٹ, کھوکھا itself. The item will usually be in the dead centre of the کریٹ, کھوکھا with no supporting packing material.
19. If you’re stuck in life and don’t know what to do, simply attempt to use every single item in your possession on your obstacle. If none of them work, go back the way آپ came. You’ve clearly missed something.
21. Wrexham can win the Champions League if آپ have about 483 full days to spare, 80% of which are spent waiting for CM04 to load (non-UK folk may not get this one).
22. Jumping on turtles’ heads is socially acceptable. Unless it’s being used as a euphemism for needing the toilet.
23. Contrary to مقبول belief, آپ don’t gain experience and knowledge سے طرف کی education and hard work. آپ get it from wandering around the countryside killing wildlife.
24. Princesses float farther than plumbers.
25. Despite what logic dictates, the ideal shape for a war robot is not squat, armored, with a low centre of gravity, but a bipedal humanoid. Ideally with hands to hold a gun, rather than built in weaponry.
26. Large men are slow but strong; women are fast but weak.
27. When آپ look down, آپ can’t see your feet.
28. Explosives don’t work on doors unless they’re a bit shinier than the other doors.
29. If working on high scaffolding, beware of gorillas throwing barrels off the سب, سب سے اوپر floor.
30. No girls.
31. Always be sure to smash any crates آپ come across, they will always contain good things.
32. Despite the fact that modern weapons systems are effective over hundreds of miles, in the future all space/air/sea combat will be conducted within about 50 yards of the enemy.
33. Contrary to the strict regulations آپ might think pilots have to adhere to, آپ can actually fly any aircraft upside down beneath the Golden Gate Bridge without getting in trouble.
34. War is the best fun ever.
35. It doesn’t matter where آپ shoot someone, even if it’s in the foot, as long as آپ do it enough times there will eventually be an immediate transition between alive and dead.
36. There is no practical difference between walking into a weapon and picking it up.
37. In medieval times, women regularly fought in wars, wearing armor that afforded them equal protection to suits of plate mail worn سے طرف کی men, despite only covering about 3 inches of skin.
38. Most martial arts will teach آپ how to throw fireballs at about green بیلٹ, پٹی level.
39. Roman and medieval generals had a zoomable and rotatable 3D view of the battlefield, and controlled their soldiers سے طرف کی clicking giant arrows.
40. Everyone speaks English, including Nazis, aliens and the living dead.
41. When your life ends آپ will be دیا 10 سیکنڈ to decide whether آپ fancy going again (in some circumstances this may cost آپ some change).
42. As long as آپ are wearing at least one ring آپ will never die.
43. Pulling out a weapon makes آپ see a + sign wherever آپ look.
44. Running from side to side یا backwards is just as easy and quick as running forwards.
45. Never trust a giant monkey wearing a tie.
46. Graveyard zombies are predatory homosexuals, who’ll strip آپ down to your Y-fronts.
47. Bus-loads of people will turn up to a mostly empty field to see a man in a hippo costume stand اگلے to a mail box.
48. Fat people are always evil. If not from the beginning, they will betray آپ eventually.
49. آپ can only use a pair of skis once and the only دکان selling them at resorts is invariably on the other side of a busy motorway with no visible means of a pedestrian thoroughfare.
50. Not only is it perfectly normal for animals to talk, but their default attitude is “sassy”.
51. Modern tank warfare will be replaced in the future سے طرف کی building a very large number of tanks on the battlefield itself, then attacking the enemy’s strongest point head-on with hundreds of them at once.
52. آپ know when آپ have won a fight when your opponent stands still, waiting for آپ to decapitate him.
53. Prostitutes will judge آپ on the fanciness of your car and give آپ 25% bonus health post-sex. This is only in the pre-AIDS ’80s. In 2008, آپ will be tsk-ed at سے طرف کی an Eastern European, which makes آپ feel sick and guilty, even though you’ve been stabbing people all day.
54. Karate and driving can both be learned in منٹ simply سے طرف کی repeating sequential dance routines as requested سے طرف کی cartoon animals.
55. Wearing a pair of white gloves to work every دن may seem an unwise choice if your chosen career is plumbing, but, in reality, آپ will never have to dirty your pristine mitts سے طرف کی fishing a swollen, fetid tampon from a shit-clogged outflow pipe.
56. The bodies of your murdered victims will fade and disappear if آپ wait for a few seconds.
57. Explosives are not stored, as آپ might expect, in secure containers in controlled environments, but in barrels that are littered around combat zones at random. Highly-trained evil soldiers are quite happy to engage in sustained fire-fights while standing اگلے to them.
58. Doing athletics really hurts your wrist after a while.
59. آپ can’t ever trip, even when running backwards as fast as آپ can while firing a shotgun.
60. World War II infantry jargon included such phrases as “lol”, “n00b” and “OMG HaXXoR!!11!” Modern counter-terrorist SWAT teams use the same phrases.
61. People wink out of existence when you’re not there to see them.
62. On the whole, آپ can withstand a lot مزید bullets/punches/magic compared to the other guy.
63. Always shut the door behind you, especially if it looks like it might snow later on.
64. آپ don’t need scintillating conversation get on in life. Two-word commands will do fine.
65. Many, if not all, problems can be solved with a Holy Hand Grenade.
66. Being on the goodies’ side doesn’t automatically make آپ winners of The War.
67. آپ can up your bank balance $1,000 at a time سے طرف کی chanting ‘FUND’.
68. Kick enough puppies and you’ll eventually gain the strength, wisdom and dexterity to take on ninjas.
69. Food can heal most serious injuries instantly.
70. Even cyborgs/ninjas/special agents able to smash whole cities with their fists and defeat the mightiest opponent in close combat are stumped when confronted with a locked door یا box, and have to go find the key.
71. موسیقی spontaneously plays whenever آپ do anything exciting.
72. Modern military training teaches that the best way to defeat an enemy is to stand stock still in plain view of the enemy and آگ کے, آگ wildly. Making sinister noises to reveal your location is good, too.
73. If آپ notice a discolored section on a brick wall, try running up really close and pressing on it, for it may give way and lead آپ to a secret cache of weapons and armor.
74. Bullet holes will gradually disappear, foiling your attempts to draw a c--k and balls on the ground with a machine gun.
75. When you’ve run out of food and stuff, just leave the house and then go back in again.
76. When آپ kill people, sometimes they turn into food یا money. یا some bullets.
77. آپ can travel anywhere instantly, as long as you’ve been there before.
78. When crawling along air-conditioning ducts, if آپ go آگے and back a few times آپ may یا may not see a pair of tits.
79. First aid kits can be applied to your injuries in under a second, and will instantly fix your injuries and make آپ healthier.
80. Flashlights only last for one minute, but thankfully recharge themselves over time.
81. If you’re in a قلعہ looking for a lost loved one, they’re in another one.
82. If you’re good enough at trading/bartering – every single دکان in the world will reduce their prices specially for you.
83. آپ can lead a fulfilling and adventurous life, and keep several friends, without ever opening your mouth.
84. آپ can shoot open a padlock, but locks on wooden doors only ever leave a dent.
85. It is possible to carry an infinite amount of items, including a full sunday roast spread, for no adequately explored reason, without impeding either your speed یا clothing.
86. “Sho-ryu-ken!” is the best opening line to start a punch-up in a pub.
87. Conversation is easy! Just think of two یا three possible responses, and pick the one آپ think will lead to the greatest reward.
88. Firing a rocket launcher straight into the floor is an excellent idea, and will get آپ cool stuff, provided آپ jump into the air as آپ do it.
89. Women who are experienced mercenaries and can carry multiple heavy weapons do not look like Bulgarian discus throwers, but are lithe, slim, and have very large breasts.
90. The world is packed with unexplored ruins, most of which are packed to the rafters with treasure. Despite this, no one has yet bothered to explore them.
91. The owners of theme parks/zoos/hospitals are able to pick up visitors to their attractions with a giant grapple, and drown them in lakes without penalty.
92. Being shot in the face is only a minor inconvenience, but going into an area آپ are not supposed to will result in instant death.
93. Nazis/Alien Invaders/Evil Megacorps are always leaving medical supplies around for their opponents to heal themselves with. Their own soldiers are under strict instruction not to touch them. Ever.
94. The مقبول third dimension was introduced in the ’80s, before which you’d simply shrink and اقدام مزید slowly to convey distance.
95. آپ can probably fit another rocket launcher in your rucksack if آپ carefully rearrange those four ammo clips and that coke can.
96. If someone آپ don’t like is in a swimming pool, simply remove the steps to get out. Then they will be stuck and drown through exhaustion.
97. Frogs die in water.
98. آپ can gaze at a woman’s tits for hours on end without either of آپ becoming embarrassed. However, attempts to mount her from every side like a determined St. Bernard will always result in آپ bouncing off her textured hide.
99. If آپ win a really big fight, don’t relax until you’ve made sure there isn’t a much مزید powerful robot version of your late opponent lurking in a corner.
100. “Ninja” is the most common occupation on the planet, just above “Secret Agent” and “Alien in Disguise”.
101. Comprehensive military training can be acquired simply سے طرف کی climbing a rope, crouching and firing down a range a few times.
