(This is a new series where I negatively review classic stories. And yes, I do like this story and I will like all the others I will do in the future, but I just thought this was a fun idea so... There آپ go.)

So I'm pretty sure سے طرف کی now we all know this story. It's a timeless tale of adventure, and has a very important moral at the end. This story focuses on 3 pigs building houses to protect themselves from a بھیڑیا and taught kids that time and effort equals success. :)

BUT SINCE I'M A NITPICKING DOUCHE-BAG WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE SHIT, I'm going to criticize this story as much as I can, pointing out every single last problem with it.

It's time to take a good old gander, بطخا at "The Three Little Pigs"

"Once upon a time when pigs spoke rhyme
And monkeys chewed tobacco,
And hens took snuff to make them tough,
And ducks went quack, quack, quack, O!"

.............

Dafaq? And yes, this IS the original too. So I guess this story is another.............

TOTAL TRIP DOWN LSD LAAAAAAAND!!! ^_____^

"There was an old بونا with three little pigs, and as she had not enough to keep them, she sent them out to seek their fortune."

Is it just me یا does this sentence not make sense? I mean, it says there's an old بونا with three pigs, that's alright, but the rest doesn't add up. So, what? Is the بونا referring to a house یا a mother یا A TALKING HOUSE یا WHAT!?

"The first that went off met a man with a bundle of straw, and کہا to him: Please, man, give me that straw to build a house."

Yes old man, please give me your valuable supplies you'll probably need a lot for later. Give me presumably the only thing آپ have for free. :)

"Which the man did, and the little pig built a house with it."

Wait, THAT'S IT!? THAT'S ALL THEY DO WITH THE OLD MAN!? WHY MAKE A CHARACTER IF THEY'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE 2 سیکنڈ OF SCREEN TIME, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

The مصنف could've made an AWESOME ending where all the pigs are about to die, but then the old man saves them all and fights off the wolf! یا maybe the old man was evil and planned on killing the pigs later! BUT OF ALL THE THINGS THE مصنف DECIDES TO DO, his mind decides to hail the magic شنکھ, گلاس روز shell and do nothing with the old man.

WHY TAKE THE TIME TO DRAW A DETAILED ORIGINAL CHARACTER AND DO NOTHING WITH THEM!?

And it gets even better. :)

"Presently came along a wolf, and knocked at the door, and said: Little pig, little pig, let me come in."

Because evil, deadly, and vicious man-eating wolves apparently knock on doors. THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO TEACH KIDS!

Wolves would NEVER EVER do something that stupid and nice, they'd kill آپ on the spot!

*Now waiting for تبصرے telling me wolves can be nice and I can suck it*

"To which the pig answered: Not سے طرف کی the hair on my chinny chin chin!"

My Teacher: ارے Jared, tell me what 6 times 9 is. :)
Me: Not سے طرف کی the hair on my chinny chin chin!
My Teacher: Then FUCKING DIE BITCH! >:D
Me: HOLY SHIT WHEN DID THIS BECOME LETHAL WEAPON!? X___X

Seriously, who the hell says that? Oh well, whatever floats the authors boat. (Comments: Who says THAT!? @___@)

"The بھیڑیا then answered to that: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"

BECAUSE SCARY VICIOUS MAN-EATING WOLVES WHO WANT YOUR BLOOD.....

Apparently blow on your house in hopes of knocking it down. Seriously, this is the worst بھیڑیا ever. HE'S مزید OF A PANSY THAN SHANG TSUNG FROM MORTAL KOMBAT 9!

"So he huffed, and he puffed, and he blew his house in, and ate up the little pig."

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS IS A CHILDREN'S STORY!? Seriously, when the HELL in any kids book does a character get BRUTALLY EATEN ALIVE!? And I swear to god this is the original.

All of a sudden this wolf..... He ate a poor innocent little pig......

HE'S A TOTAL FUCKING BADASS! ^_____^

"The سیکنڈ little pig met a man with a bundle of furze, and said: Please, man, give me that furze to build a house."

BECAUSE EVERY 4 سال OLD READING THIS BOOK KNOWS WHAT FURZE IS. :D

Seriously, before this review not even I KNEW what furze was. Great way to teach the kids there! Might as well put words like Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane and Acetaminophen in your book.

IT'S NO USE!

"Which the man did, and the pig built his house."

Another old man character with less personality than Pebbles and Bam-Bam from the Flintstones, HOOFUCKINGRAY. -___-

"Then along came the wolf, and said:"

I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU! >:D

Yeah, I'm just screwing with you. XD

"Little pig, little pig, let me come in. Not سے طرف کی the hair of my chiny chin chin! Then I'll puff, and I'll huff, and I'll blow your house in."

THis hasn't really bothered me until now, but HOW THE FUCK do آپ blow a house IN!? HOW DO آپ BLOW DOWN A HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE!?

At this point I wouldn't be surprised if Marvin The Martian from the Looney Toons just blew everything up. Hell, that would've been EPIC!

Seriously, someone has to do a Three Little Pigs and Marvin The Martian crossover, I'D PAY ANYTHING to see that.

"So he huffed, and he puffed, and he puffed, and he huffed, and at last he blew the house down, and he ate up the little pig."

I can just imagine the pre-school teachers saying "Yeah, this book is fine! No deadly vicious man-eating wolves eating innocent little pigs in THIS book! :D"

Fucking liers. XD

"The third little pig met a man with a load of bricks, and said: Please, man, give me those bricks to build a house with."

And the بھیڑیا huffed, and he puffed, and he fucked up, the end. :)

Haha Jared, I wish.

"So the man gave him the bricks, and he built his house with them."

Gee, these old people sure are nice..... Giving away good and valuable supplies for free...... Maybe they're on to something! Maybe they want to kill us a-

FREE STUFFZ YAYZAS! ^___________^

"So the بھیڑیا came, as he did to the other little pigs, and said: Little pig, little pig, let me come in. Not سے طرف کی the hair of my chiny chin chin! Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house in.”

Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll FUCK YOUR HOUSE UP! >:D

Sorry, it's just so fun thinking about if that was actually in this book. XD

"Well, he huffed, and he puffed, and he huffed and he puffed, and he puffed and huffed; but he could not get the house down."

What they need is Kirby for this job, he'll fucking annihilate the brick house.

LIKE A BOSS!

"When he found that he could not, with all his huffing and puffing, blow the house down, he said: Little pig, I know where there is a nice field of turnips. Where?"

You.... آپ MONSTER! آپ eat all my friends.... آپ destroy their houses and take everything that they owned..... And آپ even tried to murder me, and NOW you're trying to be friends!?

..................

OKAAAAAAAYYYY :DDDDDDD

"Oh, in Mr. Smith’s Home-field, and if آپ will be ready tomorrow morning I will call for you, and we will go together, and get some for dinner.”

The Wolf: Oh we'll get رات کے کھانے, شام کا کھانا alright..... It'll be delicious..... Just آپ and me, all alone........

The Third Pig: SOUNDS LEGIT! :D

"Very well... کہا the little pig, I will be ready. What time do آپ mean to go? Oh, at six o’clock.”

آپ have got to be fucking kidding me. Haven't آپ ever heard the term "Never Judge A Book سے طرف کی It's Cover"?

Me at ہوم looking for good books: BORING, DULL, STUPID, LAME....

"Well, the little pig got up at five, and got the turnips before the بھیڑیا came (which he did about six) and said: Little Pig, are آپ ready? The little pig said: Ready! I have been and come back again, and got a nice potful for dinner."

A POTFUL OF YOU! BWAHAHAHA!!!! *Intimidating Lightning*

Oh I forgot, this is The Three Little Pigs. GODDAMN IT!

"The بھیڑیا felt very angry at this, but thought that he would be up to the little pig somehow یا other, so he said: Little pig, I know where there is a nice apple-tree. Where? کہا the pig."

LITTLE PIG, IF آپ CLICK THIS BUTTON YOU'LL WIN ONE-MILLION DOLLARS! ^____^

Pig: ZOMFG REALLY!? :D

Seriously, this character is so stupid it's almost insulting.

"Down at Merry-garden replied the بھیڑیا and if آپ will not deceive me I will come for you, at five o’clock tomorrow and get some apples.”

Dear god, I feel like I'm reviewing a bad fanfiction.....

Also, HOW THE HELL CAN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS TALK!? I've been trying not to mention this for the entire article, but I can't stand it anymore. HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING!?

Advertisement: AND THAT'S the benefits of meth and cocaine! ^___^

"Well, the little pig bustled up the اگلے morning at four o’clock, and went off for the apples, hoping to get back before the بھیڑیا came; but he had further to go, and had to climb the tree, so that just as he was coming down from it, he saw the بھیڑیا coming, which, as آپ may suppose, frightened him very much."

Longest fucking sentence ever. Seriously, anything مزید complicated than "He bought an apple" Shouldn't be in a kids book.

Also, this story is long as hell. Maybe اگلے time I'll just review a Dr. Suess book.

(??: Oh yes Jared.... Yes آپ will..... آپ will PAY for what آپ did to me in your سب, سب سے اوپر 10 Things I Hate The Most In Video Games list. Haha, HAHHAAHH!!!!)

"When the بھیڑیا came up he said: Little pig, what! Are آپ here before me? Are they nice apples?”

*Trying so hard to not make a penis joke*

"Yes, very, کہا the little pig. I will throw آپ down one. And he threw it so far, that, while the بھیڑیا was gone to pick it up, the little pig jumped down and ran home."

What kind of 5 سال old wants to read this? My god, THIS IS SO BORING!

"The اگلے دن the بھیڑیا came again, and کہا to the little pig: Little pig, there is a fair at Shanklin this afternoon, will آپ go? Oh yes, کہا the pig, I will go; what time shall آپ be ready?"



Me: *Wakes Up* AHHH EVIL MUTANT GUMMY برداشت, ریچھ NAPALM FLAME NINJAS, آپ WON'T PREVAIL THIS TIME! >.<

Me: Oh, this is reality. Oops.

MY GOD THOUGH, WHAT KIND OF KID IS GOING TO SIT THROUGH THIS!? At this point I would've done the sane thing and slammed the fucking book shut!

“At three, کہا the wolf. So the little pig went off before the time as usual, and got to the fair, and bought a butter-churn, which he was going ہوم with, when he saw the بھیڑیا coming."

I'm using all the power in my human body to not make a sex joke right here.

"Then he could not tell what to do. So he got into the churn to hide, and سے طرف کی so doing turned it round, and it rolled down the ہل, لندن with the pig in it, which frightened the بھیڑیا so much, that he ran ہوم without going to the fair."

AND THAT'S WHY آپ DON'T FUCK WITH PIGS.

-DA END-

Haha Jared, I wish. :)

I made that joke an گھنٹہ ago. AW FUCK! WHEN WILL THIS END!?

"He went to the little pig’s house, and told him how frightened he had been سے طرف کی a great round thing which came down the ہل, لندن past him."

IT WAS BIG, IT WAS ALL WIGGLY, AND IT ATE EVERYTHING! XD

Spongebob for the fucking win.

"Then the little pig said: Hah, I frightened you, then. I had been to the fair and bought a butter-churn, and when I saw you, I got into it, and rolled down the hill."

Suddenly this pig..... He almost murdered a wolf.... He resorted to bloodshed in a kids book.....

LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING BOSS! ^_______^

Damn it, I made that joke an گھنٹہ پہلے too. FUCK!

"Then the بھیڑیا was very angry indeed, and declared he would eat up the little pig, and that he would get down the chimney after him."

Yes wolf. Reveal your plans in a very obvious way. Tell the pig straight up you're going to kill him and let him set up to kill you. :)

I'M TELLING YOU, THIS بھیڑیا IS STUPIDER THAN COSMO FROM THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS! WHO THE HELL WOULD SAY WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO TO SOMEONE!?

Also for a moment I thought I was reading The Twilight Zone. It's just that this book has so much dark themes in it.

...........

I just called The Three Little Pigs dark. Wow.

Holy shit. I'm going insane.

"When the little pig saw what he was about, he hung on the pot full of water, and made up a blazing fire, and, just as the بھیڑیا was coming down, took off the cover, and in fell the wolf; so the little pig put on the cover again in an instant, boiled him up, and ate him for supper, and lived happy ever afterwards."

THANK JESUS IT'S FINALLY OVER.

In conclusion, why do so many people like this book? It's boring, a bit dark for kids, has a lot of long sentences and words in it 4 سال old kids wouldn't understand, it's too long for it's own good, and the characters are دیا little to no to Scrappy Doo personality.

It's cliche, lame, and outdated as hell. And that's it. I'm finally done, holy shit.

(For the record, all of the conclusion is a lie. Well, most of it anyways. I really did like this story, so leave me alone تبصرے section.)

Anyways, this is Jared Potts, signing o-

??: Guess who..... Hahaha......

Me: Well fuck.

Kyros: Yes, it's me again. And you.... آپ sick bastard.....

Me: What do آپ want, some popcorn? It's in the cabin-

Kyros: SILENCE! آپ shall pay DEARLY for what آپ did to me! And your punishment......

Me: What is it, lunch detention? :D

Kyros! THAT'S IT! FOR YOUR اگلے CRUSHING THE CLASSICS ARTICLE, YOU'RE GOING TO REVIEW YOUR پسندیدہ DR. SUESS STORY.......

Me: Wait.... آپ wouldn't.....

Kyros: Oh yes I would... Ha....Haha..... HAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!

Me: Please.... Don't do it! I LOVE that book!

Kyros: IT'S FINAL! YOU'RE REVIEWING..............

Kyros: The. Butter. Battle. Book.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Well shit, the اگلے episode's going to be a doozie. Goddamn it Kyros. Anyways, see آپ guys later! Thanks for reading, and don't forget to click the I'm A پرستار button if آپ enjoyed!)